A Promise To Myself

I happened upon this picture of myself just now and had the most bizarre reaction.  I welled up with tears.  Seeing as though I was sitting on the couch, ostensibly watching TV with my husband, this took us both by surprise.  It's not as though I haven't seen the picture recently.  It is the background for this section, for god's sake.  I  remember thinking that she looks like a sweet little pumpkin, and my next thought was, "Jesus, what the hell happened"?

Ok, back up.  I thought a myriad of things in that flash.  Despite looking solemn in this photo, I was a happy little girl.  The youngest of 4 children with (as mentioned before) the best mom ever and the greatest dad!  

I grew up in Jamaica and lived in England for a short time before emigrating to Canada when I was almost 10.  I had puppy dogs and kitty cats and was close to my siblings.  I remember my brother Graham and I routinely played with our respective Barbie and GI Joe dolls in the front yard. I also remember my older sister, Zoe, sneaking me out of my bedroom window after I had been grounded for ripping up my playing cards.  We often had family vacations at my aunt's cottage on the north coast of the island, where I skylarked with my cousins at every opportunity.  

All through my life, I have had great friends and loving relationships.  Why then, I ask myself, did I automatically make such a scathing comment about that little girl, all grown up?  Remember, my knee-jerk thought was, "What the hell happened?"  Was I trying to be funny? To myself?  Get a life, Mahara. There I go again!

So what do I say to myself today?  If you have read my posts here and on social media, you know that I am a coach and motivational speaker. I am big on the power of language and routinely remind all who will listen to their silent script to make sure they are saying nice things.  I need to take my advice because I just gave myself a wake-up call.  

I am living proof that no matter how together, enlightened, and grounded you are, you can still slip into the dark zone of self-flagellation.  That behaviour is insidious; it creeps into your awareness when least expected and leaves a bitter taste. Which, considering I had an excellent dinner topped off with Haagen Dazs is heartbreaking!  I have not treated myself to the gourmet ice cream for years and tonight risked ruining the experience.

The question I have to ask myself, as any good coach would, is why that comment and why now?  It is true that I am tired and have been overdosing on self-help books about emotional agility (thank you, Susan David) and being a badass, according to Jen Sincero.  That should have made me even more aware. Is it possible that my actual inner script is coming to the surface because of my reading?  If that is the case, I may have to add to my Audible account. 

Honestly, I am delighted with my life and like myself, warts and all.  I still have loving relationships and am blessed with a beautiful family. Regardless, I have decided to print out this picture and keep it handy to talk to her nicely, as often as possible, just in case - a promise to my grown-up self.