Adulting Is Hard

I created and posted my very first motivational quote today! WHOOT WHOOT! Wait. Let me rephrase that. I posted something I hope people will consider motivational. There, that is a more honest declaration. It did make me wonder, though, exactly where the idea for the quote came from. This post will set about to explore "Don't let dark thoughts from yesterday colour today's masterpiece." 

While I quickly came up with the idea, the truth is that I sometimes struggle to understand how it could be possible not to let negativity from past experiences affect you at the moment. If experience A resulted in feeling B, then if I am doing or thinking anything that resembles experience A, wouldn't it automatically have a similar effect. I confused myself with that sentence. Let's try again. Is it possible to recall an experience without automatically feeling the experience? I let that question sit for a minute. Of course, it is. I vividly remember giving birth. Despite the incredible pain of the birthing process, I remember the experience fondly because of my value around motherhood and the love I have for my children. That being said, why is it that when I remember other experiences from my past, my stomach clenches, and I feel slightly sick? 

My 8th birthday provides a perfect example. My family was still living in Jamaica at the time. My mother was in England, and it was up to my father and grandmother to plan my party. They asked with great fanfare what kind of party I wanted and who I would like to invite. With my pigtails bouncing, I responded gleefully, "Pool party and EVERYONE!" They proceeded to purchase copious amounts of pop from Desnoes & Geddes (Jamaica's local producer of Red Stripe beer, among other things) along with bags of chips and candy. I recall the patio tables around our pool were decked out with fresh linens, balloons, and forbidden treats. 

The pool had every toy imaginable floating patiently in anticipation of a gaggle of arms and legs and laughter. I was so excited that I almost forgot Mummy wasn't there. As the start time for the party came and went, I began to fret. I remember looking first to my father and then to my grandmother. "Are you sure you invited kids to come?" I asked in a small voice. I am assuming I gave them a list of school chums to contact, but in the end, only two friends joined me for my special pool party. My father was crushed but put on a brave face. My grandmother was determined to fill the awkward silence and chatted non-stop. She also permitted me to drink as much pop as I wanted. They were both disappointed for me.  

I confess to thinking at the time that it would never have happened if Mummy had been home. God, I hope I didn't voice that thought out loud! I ended up having a great time, post-party bellyache notwithstanding. However, when I recall the memory, I also remember the feeling of embarrassment that so many kids didn't show up; so many kids didn't like me enough. Now that I am a mom and have years of party planning behind me, I understand that there probably were many reasons for that lacklustre attendance. I also know that planning successful birthday parties is hard work! I felt more badly for my dad, who tried so very hard to be Mom for me that day. 

This example highlights my earlier realization that my values and current feelings affect how well I manage a memory. Suppose I was embarrassed or upset by my reaction to an experience (think jealousy, anger, frustration as the primary emotion), and my secondary emotion questioned my character. In that case, the chances are that unless I have consciously worked through it, the same feelings exist no matter how much time has passed. There has to be a more straightforward way of explaining this. Ok, if I don't deal with emotional challenges as they happen, I risk carrying that same visceral reaction with me always. My dark thoughts can crop up at any time and rob me of joy in the present moment. 

I just realized something. I had many years as a successful event planner in my earlier life. I wonder if that helped me in some way to move through that earlier experience? The truth is self-reflection takes courage, and creating a happy life takes effort. Leaving your crap from the past in the past takes determination. 

To quote my oldest daughter from a recent conversation, "This adulting thing is hard." My response was to acknowledge she was right and added that it's worth it, my darling girl! Every day is a chance to think differently, make better choices and permit yourself to be happy. She looked at me blankly, probably tired of my advice, and said, "I'll be happy if you let me borrow the car." Oh, to be 22 again!