Mahara Wayman [00:00:00]:
Welcome to the Art of Badassery Podcast. Today I am thrilled to have Laura Lively as my special guest. Laura Hails from the vibrant city of Tulsa, Oklahoma and currently resides in the scenic surroundings of a lake in Northeast Oklahoma. With an impressive array of roles, Laura is a force to be reckoned with, juggling 3 diverse careers. As the executive director for a national non-profit organization, Laura's dedication to positively impacting society shines through. her leadership and passion drive her to create meaningful change and transformative experiences for those she serves. In addition to her role in the nonprofit sector Laura is an IFS Internal Family Systems practitioner. Through this practice she guides and empowers women to quiet their inner critic that relentless voice within that often undermines confidence and self worth. Her expertise is in helping women harness their inner strength, reclaim their power and cultivate self-compassion. Ultimately leading to a more fulfilled and authentic life. Not stopping there Laura also channels her knowledge and skills into creating online courses. she reaches a broader audience by utilizing modern technology, extending her guidance and support to women worldwide. Her courses provide valuable tools, insights and practical strategies to navigate the complexities of the inner critic. and embrace personal growth, encourage, and resilience. When Laura isn't transforming lives and making a difference, she enjoys engaging in various recreational activities. Her love for kayaking, hiking, and reading allows her to reconnect with nature and find inspiration in the beauty surrounding her. And here's a little secret about Laura. She's a devoted sci fi geek. Particularly enamoured with the latest incarnations of Star Trek. Her passion for the genre adds a touch of excitement and wonder to her already dynamic personality. In today's episode, she will share her knowledge on taming the inner critic, cultivating self-compassion, and embracing personal empowerment. So join us as we dive into her journey, explore her insights, and discover how to unleash the inner badass within. Get ready to be inspired by Laura's wisdom and embark on a transformative conversation.
Laura Lively [00:02:27]:
Mahara, thank you so much for having me. What an intro. That's beautiful. Thank you so much.
Mahara Wayman [00:02:35]:
My tongue got a little twisted, but I'm I'm excited to to dive into your journey because I think well I know a bit of your story and I I know that there will be, you know, so many women listening to this that will be able to relate to the challenges that you've had. So right off the bat, I'm gonna invite you Talk to us about what makes you a badass today. This is the art of badassery, and we're gonna explore it in its fullness. So what makes you badass, my friend?
Laura Lively [00:03:05]:
I'll tell you why I'm badass. And it took a while to get here. I am fifty seven. I just turned I am freshly minted fifty seven years old. And What makes me a badass is 7 years ago, I started a journey that took me It took me 2 years, but I have lost a £165 and I have kept it off for 5 years. And so for any of you people who have cyclically dieted or that's your whole life story, I'm a great dieter, You know that taking off a £165 while that might sound exciting, that is nothing compared to keeping it off for 5 years. So that's why I'm a badass. I did something that people will tell you they cannot do. You cannot cannot be done. And particularly, And and this is you know, go back to my age. They'll tell you it can't be done after menopause. I went into menopause at age forty. So hell, yeah, it can be done.
Mahara Wayman [00:04:03]:
Oh, boy. So first off, congratulations. I spent over 10 years in the health and wellness industry. I struggled with my weight most of my life, so I quite frankly I'm blown away by that. So can we go back to that moment when you realized enough was enough, and you were gonna start on this journey. because to your point, that's a big deal. That's that's a big switch in your mindset. That's a big realization about your abilities or your wants. So can you take us back to when that
Laura Lively [00:04:35]:
Gosh. Yes. it was a so I have been overweight since I was three years old, and I wanna be really clear about this, because I was interviewed on another podcast and somebody came to me and said, oh, how exciting that it was okay for you to be overweight in your family. And I was like, no. No. No. No. it was not okay for me to be overweight in my family, but I was. I have been overweight since I was three years old. And I'm also because of my age, In the 19 seventies when I was in school, I was one of the only kids that was overweight. These days, unfortunately, like, over half the population in the United I'm in the United States, is overweight, and obesity is a is a problem. But back when I was a child, that was not the case. I was, like, 1 of 4 in a school when I graduated high school, which, you know, I did at age eighteen. So what that led to was a lot of bullying, a lot of realizing I was other, I could walk I can, by age five, I remember this distinctly, I knew, saw it in kindergarten in the United States at age five, I knew I was not like the rest of the kids. and that was my experience all through high school. And for anybody who's ever and by the time I graduated high school, I weighed £297. that was the first time I ever went to Weight Watchers, which, by the way, Weight Watchers should have a plaque on the door with my name on it for all of the money I gave them over the years. So, anyway, so fast forward, my entire life has been an exercise in an attempt to get my weight under control. And what would happen was I would get under £200 and I would panic and put it back on. And for anybody who's even I mean, I know that there's not many people probably listening that have ever weighed £300, but for anybody whose pants have ever been snug, and what are the kind of voices that happened in your head? You need to lose weight. What is wrong with you? Oh my god. You're getting so fat. You don't wanna have to buy new clothes. I mean, so all of that verbal kind of bullying that that happens internally was happening to me. So we can now, like, fast forward 30 years And what happened that finally I could not take another moment? And is I was 2 things actually. So in November of 2016, I was fat shamed on a plane. This old white guy walks up to me in a plane and then turns to a flight attendant and said, I won't fit next to her. I had to spend 3 hours on a plane with this guy. And of course, the the flight attendant she doesn't know what to do either. She's like she's all apologetic to the guy. I'm so sorry, we're oversold, there's no other seat on the plane. I just want to point out. the jerk fit fine. But imagine me sitting there for 3 hours. Like, I am devastated. I am I am doing everything I can not to cry. I have a voice in my head, like, again yelling at me, telling me, look what's wrong with you, but this only happens because of etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. So that was the first thing. The second thing was then I have to go to the doctor, and I actually broke £300 on the scale at the doctor's office. I was 302. I had never hit that three number before. So those 2 things, I was miserable, I was I was also, you know, I'm one of those people that until I hit age forty, my weight did not impact my medical issues. Like, I didn't have medical issues until I hit 40. I mean, my was fine. My blood pressure was fine. The doctors are always looking at you. You need to lose weight. I tell you to lose weight, but, you know, your numbers are fine. But when I had age forty, I went into early met I went into menopause at age forty, which is abnormal. and suddenly it felt like everything broke. My blood pressure was suddenly through the roof. My cholesterol was through the roof. I'm now having aches and pains. My thyroid stopped working. And so I had, like, this medical crisis at age forty, and then the weight just packed on. So, you know, here we are at age fifty. I am miserable. I I am in pain physically and emotionally. I've been fat shimmed on a plane. I have, like, you know, 302 on a scale, a pounds, And I was desperate and devastated and really was concerned that I was just gonna die this way. This is just going to be my life. and there's nothing I can do about it. So I happened onto an online eating program that I was so desperate. I was willing to try it. So I threw my money down and I think what changed for me there was they created this amazing community. And for the first time in my life, I did not feel like I was alone. I felt like all of these people were my sisters. They knew me, they understood me, and then the second thing they did that was so critical, which really changed the whole trajectory of my life was they introduced internal family systems which is a therapy model, but internal family systems they teach people other than therapists how to use the model, and they brought that into their system. And what changed for me was this realization that so what we say in internal family systems is that we all have parts, and it's normal to have parts. Now if anybody of of your listeners is as old as I am, they're probably gonna remember the movie civil from the 19 seventies about multiple personality disorder with Sally Field. So the first question I had when I heard this, I was like, wait a minute. Are you saying I'm civil? Are you calling me civil? telling me I have parts, and it's like, we actually believe in internal family systems that everybody has parts. It is normal. It is natural. And all of our parts, and this is the thing that people's eyebrows will go up like Mister Spock since we were talking about Star Trek, is all of our parts are trying to help us to the best of their ability. Even that mean girl in my head that's yelled at me my entire life about my weight, about my job, about you know, my love life about whatever, they're all trying to help us to the best of their ability.
Mahara Wayman [00:11:04]:
Yeah, thank you. So first off, Thank you for sharing your story to this point. And I definitely understand and agree with you this idea we've got different stories that we tell ourselves and different parts of us come up for different reasons. I'm curious though when you decided when you started to do this work What were some of the things that you learned about yourself that really have been, oh my gosh, I wish I'd learned this about myself sooner.
Laura Lively [00:11:31]:
Yes. So the day that they that this eating program introduced internal family systems into their model, I flashed back to an event. So I am married to a very Zen guy. He is, like, super supportive. He loved me no matter what I wait. and we almost never have any sort of conflict in our marriage, and what I flashed back on was a day that it occurred like 6 months prior, where and and it's funny. I don't recall what the triggering event was. But what happened was I ended up yelling at my husband, and what I what happened in real time and what I flashed back to was as I'm yelling at him, I hear a voice in my head saying, What the heck is wrong with you? Are you crazy? You're going to end up divorce. So I am, like, actively screaming at my husband. I hear a voice in my head yelling at me, and I had enough access to some other part that was like, oh my God, maybe you are crazy, you're hearing voices in your head at the same time you're yelling at your husband. And so that's what I flashed back to. So for me it made complete sense all of a sudden because that was my lived experience that there are parts, and we have so I have a part that's yelling at my husband, who got triggered and is yelling at my husband. I have a part telling me I'm crazy. Well, that's my old friend, the inner critic, because I know this person. This that part's been there forever. And then somebody that could say, woah. This is not right. What is going on here? So to me, what I immediately, like, kinda mapped it onto from what I've heard, you know, just in general education talk people talk about the angel and the devil on your shoulder. Right? Like, the angel and, you know, if we'll stay with food for a moment, you see a beautiful cupcake in the bakery window, and you're like, oh, parts like, oh, let me have the cupcake. That looks so fabulous. I must have the cupcake, and then other parts like, your pants are already too tight. Do not be wasting money on putting sugar in your body. So the that kind of angel and devil on your shoulder that's really well known in in in the world as, you know, is is kind of a meme, if you will. And so the idea with parts so what happened for me was when they explained that we all have parts, and that they're doing the best that they can to help us, ain't I was suddenly, like, relieved, like, to I am not a religious person per se, but It was like the the clouds parted and the angels sing because I felt like I'm not crazy, A part of me got triggered and was yelling at my husband. My inner critic got activated and is yelling at me And so to me, it suddenly made sense. It explained how I could have kinda, like, 2 or 3 contradictory thoughts or emotions happening at the same time. An example that I use to try to explain the idea of parts that a lot of people can understand is, like, you know, streaming TV these days. I don't care if you're watching Disney plus, Apple TV, Netflix, Amazon, it doesn't matter. They all, at the end of if you're watching something that serial like an like a, you know, a TV series or a season of a TV series. You know, at the very end of this of the Broadcast, though. Yeah. The broadcast, the episode. It immediately goes into the next one. Right? Up in 20 seconds. you know, for your viewing pleasure, it comes up the next way. So what happens to me? And so I'll ask if this resonates with you at all, is after a couple of episodes, if I'm watching something on Netflix, I hear a voice in my head that's like get off this couch. You have been laying here too long. Stop being lazy. you need to go fold the laundry or whatever. Right? Like, get off the couch. And then I hear another I have another thought in my head with, like, no. No. No. No. I have to know what happens next. to my favorite character. Like, I can't no. And I was always like and, again, how can I have these contradictory thoughts at the same time? But those are parts, and both of those parts want what they believe to be the best for me. There's one part that thinks I need to be up and off the couch and be productive and other parts like dude, we worked all week. We deserve a couple hours off. And so this whole idea of parts for me, when I heard about it, it made complete sense because it helped me see this is why I have all these conflicting thoughts in my head That's why I have conflicting emotions in my head is that we all have parts and it, you know, the new thing was that There's nothing wrong with having parts, we all have parts, so let's not pathologize it and make it like, oh, you're calling me civil, and then secondarily, to recognize that, oh, they're actually trying to help me instead of harm me, which is what it always felt like was happening with my inner critic. So I I have to ask, and I'm sure people that are listening to this podcast are are wondering the same thing.
Mahara Wayman [00:16:30]:
It's great that what you realized that this is quite normal we all have parts and you're not alone in that but how do you How do you choose to listen to one over the other? Where does the fortitude come from to recognize that inner critic is just is there to help and you don't need to listen to it. So right because it's one thing to recognize them all but then it's another thing to act on one that's gonna serve you. So what was talk a little bit about that?
Laura Lively [00:17:03]:
I would love to jump into that because here's what I tell people. You're doing it all wrong. And it's not your fault you're doing it wrong. You've been taught to do it wrong. You can go go Google. How do I get rid of my inner critic? millions of responses come up. And so I would just ask you, has that ever worked trying to get rid of it? No. No. It doesn't work. You cannot get rid of it. So the actual is the opposite, and it's gonna seem it's gonna seem counterintuitive. But we actually want to listen to the part. And what here's the other thing I always tell people. Okay. I'm also not saying you're just a big bag of parts because you were not just a big bag of parts. You have lots of parts, almost everybody has lots of parts, but at your core, you have what we call self or self energy. And self energy is there's, like, this whole series of 8 c's that show up as the traits of self energy. And I will name off, and I I tend to get about 6 of the 8 and I don't have them in front of me, but when we have access to some self energy, we have access to curiosity. we have access to calmness, to feeling connected, to feeling compassionate, to have clarity and creativity, and there's always 2 I miss. So there's this whole group of traits that we have when we have some access to self energy. Something I want to make sure I really get this point across is it's not that parts are bad and self is good. What we want to have happen is we our parts often came online when we were quite young, and they have been moved into roles that was not their natural state, but they think that they're stuck in time and they think they have to keep doing the role. So we'll talk about my friend, the inner critic. That part has been in my head since I was at least five years old. I know that because of all the work I've done with self and my parts and my IFS therapist, and that part is trying to help me the best way it knows how. And what I've heard in all of the conversations I had with my critics or with other people's critics is what's behind the criticism is actually a lot of fear. So what we're going to do instead is if can get to a place of some self energy if I can get curious and have some compassion towards that inner critic often our critics just want to be seen and heard, and this is Lara's add to the IFS model. I say that any of your parts want to be acknowledged, accepted and appreciated. If we can acknowledge accept and appreciate our parts, they will relax back because let me ask you, Ma'am, isn't that what you want? As a totality of Ma'amARA, you want to be acknowledged, accepted, and appreciated.
Mahara Wayman [00:19:53]:
absolutely and I resonate with what you're saying so much because it's what through the work that I've done, I believe it. It makes perfect sense to me and how I phrase it the same thing just taught us that a little bit differently is show some love like the the only way to separate yourself from the memory and the the feelings of the memory of something invokes is to go to the memory and give that little girl some love, whether you call -- Yes. Yes. -- or inner critic work or whatever you wanna phrase it. Bottom line is, to your point, everything that we do or say is an effort to protect us in some way. Yes. To be courageous enough to acknowledge that and to go there again, most of us spend a lifetime ignoring, dampen it down. I don't wanna go there again. That was painful if we even remember it at all. In my case, there were things that didn't I didn't realize I had held onto and that I'd formed these beliefs about myself limiting beliefs. And but now as an adult when I can get triggered with them and that inner critic comes up or that -- Exactly. I actually have a swear word for mine, so I'm I won't say it, but it's much more it's much more colorful than inner critic. However, what I'm learning to do is to to stop breathe and thank that part of me for coming up. Excuse me and then show what some love. Thank yes Yes. Yes. Yes. Get that. But you know what? I got this. It's okay. Watch me. I got this. But it It's taken time and it's taken work, and that's some of the work that both you and I do with our clients is give them permission to get curious. What are you -- Yes. I find and I don't know if you'll agree but many of my clients don't actually they can't articulate what they're feeling. because they've ignored it for so long. They just know it there and it feels kinda heavy but when they are given the tools to either actively describe that feeling or whether they name that feeling in a certain name because I've named all of my parts. It feels more comfortable It's like a family. You're accepting the family. You don't have to do what the family says, but you're accepting that they're there.
Laura Lively [00:22:15]:
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. So much yes, Maher.
Mahara Wayman [00:22:18]:
We are on the same page, people, just in case Sure. We're on the same page. So I asked makes you bad ass? You shared that you've lost a £165 and that you've kept it off for 5 years. What else makes you bad ass?
Laura Lively [00:22:34]:
You know, the other thing I I haven't covered off on yet was I made the decision to leave corporate Oh, corporate America, since again, I'm in America the corporate world, I could not I I I I hit a point where I was like, I can't do this anymore. I just cannot I can't do the political machinations. I cannot do the crap. And so I left I left that job and said, I gotta find something that allows me to work from home. I have got to find something. I just can't do this anymore. And that was a huge step away I grew up in a middle class, lower middle class family in the United States and was preached for my family all of time around security, security, security. You have to have a job, you stay there till you die, you know, and so for me to be able to, and I'm grateful to that part of me that finally had the courage to say, this is ruining my mental health. And so I walked away from that. And I became in the United States, I call it contractor. So, basically, that means I have no insurance. I have to pay for my own insurance. And I so I'm a contractor for the nonprofit you mentioned. I am so much happier. Yes. Am I paying a ridiculous amount of money? Because here are the way we do things in say yes. But walking away from, you know, what felt like eons of being told, you have to have a job You have to have insurance. You have I mean, which I do have insurance, but like in, you know, all of these things about that was a hard that was hard to break free from that, but I I finally realized, like, this is killing me. And And then to start a business at age fifty something, though what I'm finding, I thought that was scary and frightening at the time I did it. Like, who am I to start a business? I mean, lord have mercy when I was in college. That was my, you know, that was my degree. It was in business administration, but it was never for me. It was for me to be a manager in a corporate setting. It was not for me to start my own business. And what I found well, so I'd say this to all of your listeners is there's many of us that, like, get to around age fifty, and we're like, we're done. I can't do this anymore. And then you're then you start figuring out what lights you up. and what makes you happy? And then, yes, you can start your own business, and so I think that's another thing that I was willing to take that even though it went completely against the grain of everything I was brought up to believe about work and corporate America and you know, you need to have security. So I think that's the other thing was, like, I took that plunge, but I think I had to. I had to, or I I don't think I would have made it. So that's, I think, another thing that makes me badass. And that's I agree with you 100%.
Mahara Wayman [00:25:18]:
What I what I wish for in the world is that women don't wait until they're at the breaking point. to ask questions. Right? Because like you, I was in my fifties when I went on this journey. I was also in in the corporate world. and so many of us allow ourselves to hit rock bottom to the breaking point for lots of different reasons and our goal as coaches is to help you before you get there. So give yourself permission to be amazing and to be you before you feel that that's your only choice. Right? So very, very nice. So what exactly is your business? This particular one that you're talking about that you started
Laura Lively [00:26:00]:
So I became an LLC so that I could become an internal family system. I've got trained to be an internal family systems practitioner, I see clients 1 on 1. And then in the last year, I have started putting together I've started putting together coursework to help people. Because what I saw that was happening for anybody who happens to be internal family systems, aware is all of the books that are written around it are written towards practitioners or therapists, and so they're kinda dry. they'll tell you what to do. And and and this is what I saw in my own work. Like, I would I could have breakthroughs in session with my with my therapist. My clients can have breakthroughs in session. But there's really nobody teaching you how to stay connected with your parts in between session. And so when before I take on any new client, I'll say, hey. We can do amazing work in session, but candidly, it's what you do between sessions that's really gonna, like, you know, change your trajectory. Because, like, anything learning to recognize you have parts, and that's the other that's my 4th a, really, is awareness. You have to be aware that that critic, for example, since that's what we're talking about, that that critic is active. Once I have that awareness, can I get curious about why is that critic? What's going on? What prompted the critic to get active? Why is it suddenly showing up? If I can get to that place of curiosity, then I can stop like kind of turn towards the part and be more like, alright. Tell me what's happening. Tell me why you're criticizing me right now. And so one of the first things I did, the very 1st year I started this business was I created list of things, and I'll share this with your listeners. If you have an inner critic and most people do, you know, one of the ways that you can acknowledge it and accept it is by just responding in a neutral manner. And so this was like kind of my first foray into creating content to help people who are doing IFS parts work to be able to talk to their parts in between sessions with their therapist or their practitioner. And so for anybody, hasn't inner critic, and the critics like, what the heck were you thinking? How could you have been so stupid? Blah blah blah blah blah. You know, I'll say things like neutral things. Like, Thank you for sharing, or you might be right, or, yep, I'm sorry I'd happened that way too. What that does is because Remember I mentioned all the self qualities, the curiosity, the compassion, calmness. If a part if my critic is saying you're an idiot, what the heck is wrong with you, and the the very snapback comment in my head is shut up. Why don't you go away? Does that sound calm, curious, open? No. That's another part. Right? That's another part that's trying to defend me, which is lovely, to my inner critic. So now I've got 2 parts active. I've got the critic who's yelling at me, and now I've got a part yelling the critic. So what I learned to do to kind of cut off that kind of cat bite in my head was to just come up with some neutral responses to the critic, Because now the critic is gonna enough fight with the part that doesn't like the critic. And so I would be like, okay. Thank you for sharing. I appreciate what you're trying to tell me. Yep. I'm sorry that happened too. I wish it had gone another way. And by me being able to engage you with it from a more neutral response instead of, like, get out of here. I hate you. go away, the critic felt seen and heard and that that then once the part feels any part feels seen and heard. they're more likely to relax back and the more they relax back, the more access I have to self energy. and so that's kind of like, that becomes a spiraling up instead of spiraling down into a cap fight in my head between the critic and the part that hates the critic. What a great visual. What I heard and thank you for sharing that story. What I heard was
Mahara Wayman [00:29:42]:
when we can learn to be to step into nonjudgment. non judgement, then everybody's happier because and we being in judgment hurts Right? It hurts us. Often more than it hurts the other person if we're if we're having an interchange with somebody or someone or something. it often hurts us more but that ability to go okay I accept it you're here but how come How can I help you? What do you need? Why did you show up? Really you know what? Good point. Good point. That person is belittling me. Good point. You're right. However, I don't have to react. Yeah. This way or that way. So being in judgment being in a nonjudgmental state is not always easy, but it is definitely something that I work with my clients as well. And I remember when I first began to understand this idea of living in judgment. I had no idea it was so judgmental. I really didn't. And I have, you know, this module because it was within my within my certification as a mastery method coach. I'm like, well this is interesting but it doesn't really apply to me. So naive, Then I jumped into the pro into the module and I was like, oh my god, how do I get through the day? I have judgments about everyone starting with me. Because at first, I was thinking, oh, I'm just very judgmental about others. But really what I learned was it all starts with me. I'm so I've been so judgmental of myself over the years for things that happened as a child and beliefs that I took on and So it definitely takes work but I really love this idea of one step at a time. Let's just come at it with some neutral language. Yes. Very powerful work. It's so important the work that you're doing, Laura. There's one other thing that you mentioned to me. before we started recording, and I think it's pretty powerful. And what I think is really interesting is that you weren't actually going to talk about it. but I'm gonna invite you to talk about it which was, again, the question is what makes you badass? And can you tell me what your answer was?
Laura Lively [00:31:52]:
Was this about the food? Yeah. This is about what you what yeah. That was my original. So yeah. So when I was prepping for this, you know, this podcast. I you know, you sent the question. If I ask you, what you're badass, why is that? I had 3 answers, and so Yeah. The first one was, you know, the weight loss, and more importantly, keeping it off. And second one was leaving my job at age fifty and, like, leaving a secure corporate position at age fifty. And then the third one is I don't eat sugar and flour. And that's how I lost the weight. And it's the reason that can be off putting to people, and I'll tell you something that happened just this weekend we live in a late community, and so our neighbors across the street don't actually live here, they come up on the weekends. And so she was up and out and walking, and she she came over, and she's like, have you lost in more weight? And the truth is, I don't think so. But I was like, oh, you know, blah blah blah. You know, I just kind of And then she said, oh, I need to lose some weight. And she's not she's not morbidly obese. I was morbidly obese. I know what that looks like. And she's like, I need to lose weight. How did you do that? And I said, I don't eat sugar and flour. And she looked at me dead in the eye and said, I would rather be dead. And I was like, that's a choice. And, yeah, then she then she went into a whole series of excuses, and I call them excuses because I've used them all, right, about, like, oh, I come from Big Bone Stock, and all you have to do is look at my, you know, my parents, and you can tell. And This is I wanted I think I think to my parts for this because right then, if she's going into this, you know, you know, litany of conversation, I said to my parts, because my parts immediately wanted to, you know, defend me And I was it's not that bad. It's not that hard. Hey. I know it sounds you know, I had parts wanted to defend me. And I said to them in my head, I was like, guys, This has nothing to do with you, and it has to do with her. Let's just stand here and listen. Let's just listen quietly. A few minutes later she takes off, and I got in the car to leave because that's what I was trying to do when she came over. And I was I said to my system, thank you guys so much for letting me manage us through that situation. You know, I I I us arguing with her or trying to explain ourselves would have helped nobody So that was why, like, I had just come off an experience of somebody saying, I would rather be dead. And I thought, I don't want Mahara's people to, like, turn off.
Mahara Wayman [00:34:24]:
As soon as I say that. I'm glad no. I'm glad you said it because what I heard was it doesn't matter whether you're not eating sugar, you're not eating salt, or you're not eating bananas, or you're eating this. It not about that. What I heard was you chose to listen to what your body needs and that is something that we can all I think hang our hat on. And we all need different things. And the other thing that I heard in the in the story that you just shared was very powerful, which is Not about you. Right? About you, this is about her and so often our immediate Our default is, this is all about me.
Laura Lively [00:35:03]:
And I'm gonna get defensive.
Mahara Wayman [00:35:05]:
And I'm gonna like you said, I have prove myself and I have to and actually guess what you don't. It's not about you. It's beautiful and it's totally bad ass that you can own your truth. and your truth is that your body doesn't need sugar or wheat,
Laura Lively [00:35:20]:
flour. Excuse me. Your body doesn't -- It's funny you say that. So in 2 I'll tell you a a little more that. In 2009, I had a, like, health I don't know what you call it. Just, like, I suddenly could not eat processed It cannot eat food to have wheat in it in the United States. I found out years later, I could go to Europe and eat wheat, and I know there's, like, all sorts of debates about why is that. I think the most common most recent research is that in the United States, we grow a varied we don't grow, like, you think amber waves of grain? No. We grow a very compact form of wheat. It's got way more protein in it, and it's it's just harder to digest. In Europe, I can eat wheat all day long. But So and and I remember in 2009, I got so sick, and I I stopped eating it. And then I found out later if I wanted If I had wanted to be checked for celiac disease, you have to actually be eating it, that I can tell you the withdrawal coming off of that was so bad that I was like, I don't need a diagnosis. I'm never touching it again. And and and I remembered that I said this literally at the time. I said, woah, if only I was allergic to sugar, I'd be skinny as a rail. And I remember saying that, I remembered to simply saying that. So then fast forward, you know, another 10 years or more. I guess it was no. Another 9 years. Something like that. And this the food program is no sugar, no flour of any sort. And here's what I found for me about sugar. is that sugar, you know, because I'm not gonna lie, it was a big order at first, and it probably took 2 solid years before I could get completely on board. I lost a ton of weight really fast. And then, of course, then I've got parts in had that wanna say, oh, it's okay. We can have a little bit. Right? Like because that's typical. And what I found was is that if I eat sugar, I don't have a physical reaction per se, but I have an emotional reaction. I am Well, I guess there is a physical reaction because I'll tell you what happens afterward. So if I eat sugar, I am emotionally reactive. I wanna kill people, I am wanting to scream at people, it turns me into an emotional wreck. And you know what? I love the peace I live in. I have peace, internal peace, and then it'll take me 3 days to stop craving the sugar after I eat it. So after about 2 years of experimenting and trying to see I quit, I will never eat sugar again. I do have a part of me that says, I go to Europe, like, once every 2 or 3 years, I may still have a buggett. Right? when I'm over there. But the sugar, it makes me emotionally reactive. It makes all this chatter in my head and it takes 3 days to detox off of the sugar, and I feel like I physically feel like crap once I stop eating it. So for me, my body does not do well at sugar. And I, you know, I love the fact that shame I I joke apart this is shame you didn't actually take yourself seriously when you said that in 2009, but I didn't.
Mahara Wayman [00:38:33]:
Wow. Give me about a tickle in my throat. What courage to say no to sugar?
Laura Lively [00:38:39]:
in a world where and you know what's been hard, I'll tell you the thing that's the hardest was hardest for me in my journey is we use food as love And in my family, my that has been really difficult for my father. I mean, I was an emotional leader from the time I was four years old, three years old, and it is hard to feel like you're, again, feeling other, like there's something wrong with you. I can't eat what they eat. I feel I've got FOMO. You know, people show love, oh, grandma made this, whatchamacallit, just for you. Right? Like, that is really hard to break that and sugar is in everything. Actually, wheat is in everything as well. Like, going gluten I was gluten free before it was cool. Right? Like, before there were products for that. And it's amazing how much sugar and flour, particularly wheat flour, is in everything. It's in things you wouldn't expect it to be in. And And yes, it's it's the norm. I've even yes. We could go on about this for about an hour. Well, it's interesting because
Mahara Wayman [00:39:42]:
My husband is intolerant. That's what I am. I actually started that. And yes, it's made a world of difference. It's made a huge world of difference. So amazing. So one other question, I'm curious, I mean you've hinted to this, But if you were to choose one word to describe you before you war the badass mantle. What would that one word be to describe the aura of most of your life? I would guess. Miss Rebault.
Laura Lively [00:40:20]:
That's a powerful word. It is a powerful word. I had I had been at age thirty. I was diagnosed with cancer. And stage 4, pretty bad. I'm still here. So yesterday, we survived. But I was never happy after that. I was never happy after age thirty. So yes, miserable would be the one word I would describe myself. as sad I'm sad to say.
Mahara Wayman [00:40:46]:
And it's so interesting because I've known you a few I've known you a few months, and, oh my gosh, I would never have known that that word is even in your vocabulary. you're so vibrant and you're happy and you're living your truth. You are a true, true, badass. I love Star Trek. I just want to go back to that because for a little bit of levity, what was your favorite Star Trek series?
Laura Lively [00:41:08]:
Oh Lord! So I was born in 1966, which for any Star Trek fans out there know that is actually when the original Star Trek hit the airways! So I grew up watching reruns on, you know, TV daily. I would sit and watch the original series. I have had I loved so the original series was my first love. Captain Kirk was my I can now funny. I can look at him now and be like, oh, my God, toxic masculinity all over the place. Right? Probably, so like, again, back to the streaming TV, amount has rebooted and created a bunch of new star trek series recently. And so Take my money, take my money, I love discovery, they they have they put a black email as a captain, and she is a badass. You want a badass? That girl is a badass. I love her. I love that whole wild story. The most recent one they put out strange new worlds, I love the 1st season, the 2nd season has just kicked off and I'm not as impressed. but I loved the 1st season of strange new worlds. I always had a special place in my heart for deep space 9. It was more cerebral, and they did much more character development. And I'm always gonna love Jean Luc Picard. So
Mahara Wayman [00:42:33]:
My heart Just love them all. Yeah, you know what, I think hats off to Star Trek with the franchise because they've done Really, they've done due diligence in exploring brave new frontiers even before we knew it was I mean, in the seventies, it was just for fun. It was like entertainment. and it was very entertaining. But as they grew, because I'm a huge trikey too, I really think that they tackled things that Yes. They're at the tackle in society, but they they they got away with it because it was on television. It was on the big screen. So I'm a huge tricky as well and, you know, May 4th.
Laura Lively [00:43:11]:
Did you hear I was just supposed to say the the You're dead. You about said the other one, didn't you? Live long and prosper.
Mahara Wayman [00:43:16]:
Log and prosper. Laura, I can't. I just wanna thank you. I really enjoyed chatting with you today and I really honored the journey that you've been on. As I mentioned earlier, I've struggled with my weight. and I know that it's it takes a lot of fortitude and a lot of courage to say wow enough, I'm not that person. I believe the stories for so many years but I'm not that person and there's there's more for me in this lifetime. So I really honored that you've done that for yourself. For those of you that are listening, I will drop in the show notes how to connect with Laura. She's amazing. She is just a fountain of motivation and support especially around the inner critic. And yes, we all have them. Sometimes they speak louder than others, but you will be able to connect with her through the show notes. Laura, I wanna thank you again for joining me today. great conversation, and I look forward to doing this again. Thank you all for joining us today on the art of badassery. My guest has been Laura Lively and I think you will agree. She epitomizes that ass. I'll talk to you soon. Take care.
