Mahara Wayman [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the art of badass where I explore what it takes to live life on your own terms, break free from the status quo, and unleash your inner badass. Whether you're a rebel at heart or simply seeking inspiration to step outside your comfort zone, this podcast is for you. I'm your host, Mahara Wehmann, and each week I dive into the stories, insights, and strategies of those who've mastered the art of badassery and are living life to the fullest. They smile when no one is lucky. Today, I sit down with Jodi Graham, an incredible individual with an extraordinary journey. From a latch key kid in a tight knit farming community, to facing life's ups and downs, Jodi's transformation is truly inspiring. She shares her challenges, including a toxic marriage that caused her to lose her from depression and anxiety to divorce and harassment, Jodi hit rock bottom. But through these trials, she discovered her inner strength and embraced a life as a true badass. In this episode, we explore the pivotal moments that shaped her transformation Her story is a beacon of hope for anyone feeling lost or overwhelmed, proving there's always a way to overcome Through counseling and prioritizing her mental health, Jodi recognized the verbal abuse in her marriage and made the courageous decision to end it. This marked the beginning of her journey of self discovery and empowerment. Her story reminds us that we can create an authentic and empowering and badass life, regardless of our past. Enjoy.
Mahara Wayman [00:01:49]:
Welcome to the art of badassery, the podcast that celebrates the triumphs and resilience of individuals who have embraced their inner strength and turned their lives around. I'm your host, Mahara Wayman, and we've got an extraordinary guest today. Her name is Jody Graham. Jody is the epitome of a badass jenexor, having experienced the highs and lows that life can throw at you. Growing up as a latch key kid in a tight knit farming community outside of a small town, She learned the value of independence and determination early on. However, even with a strong sense of self, Jody found herself in a toxic marriage that caused her to lose sight of her identity. She faced challenges like depression, anxiety, divorce, and harassment, feeling like life had dealt her a heavy hand. But within those trials, Jodi discovered something extraordinary. a calling, a purpose, and the power to live her life as a true badass. In this episode, we'll delve into her remarkable journey and explore the pivotal moments that shaped her transformation. From navigating through dark times to discovering her inner strength, Jody's story inspires anyone who has ever felt lost or overwhelmed. Join us as we uncover the secrets of Jody's badass life and learn how she overcame obstacles to create an authentic and empowering life, get ready to be inspired folks, You'll be motivated and uplifted as we dive into the art of badassery with Jodi Graham. Hey, Jodi. Welcome to the show.
Jodie Graham [00:04:02]:
Well, as you said, like, I grew up in what I often refer to as the Norman Rockwell, type of grow or growing up on the farm. And, and a lot of people, it's funny people would say, Who's Norman Rockwell? Well, if you go back and you, you googled Norman Rockwell paintings, it's very, family orientated, small town, almost that life of perfection. And I I didn't know anything different Like, when I grew up, that's what I thought. I, I never had a care in the world. I grew up in a small town, so I didn't have to worry as much about you know, the, the worries that the kids in the city had to worry about. Like, I could go anywhere and do whatever. I grew up playing in trees. I grew up you know, bush parties with friends where I was with 80 or 90 of my closest friends at any given moment. So I didn't, I didn't really have a care in the world when I was growing up. And I would say that I you said determination. My mom would call it stubborn, for sure. I was a stubborn kid growing up. still am to some degree. I like to refer to it as determination now. But I found myself in a city where I didn't really know a lot people. I missed kind of that close knit group that I had growing up. And I was very much looking for that fairy tale, you know, you get married, you have kids, you have the white pick of fence, everything is great. And so, you know, when I was twenty years old, I met the man that ultimately became my husband for 19 years. We were together for 21. and I was kind of eager for that, that life, right? Like, I was looking for that that perfectly. And I think I, I jumped in too quick, and I didn't, I didn't know the red flags. I kind of didn't say that I ignored the red legs. I didn't know them. I was twenty years old. I had never had a serious, serious relationship. At that point, yes, I had boyfriends, but I didn't know what the red flags were. And so I jumped into that marriage with 2 feet. we ended up having 3 beautiful kids, and it was something that started happening gradually, the, the cut downs, the passive aggressive behavior, the, the drinking, There was drinking involved. he was when I met him, I was twenty years old. He was thirteen years my senior. and he he was a drinker at the time, but I was twenty. It seemed fun. It didn't seem like anything that was a big issue. So as we got married and as things progressed, all of a sudden, I realized the drinking's not stopping. The growing up isn't happening. I was growing up. I was, I was now a mom, and I was digging into the world of adulting. And there was still weekends of drinking and begins of parties, and, and that seemed to be a big piece of our marriage. And it just it started to really weigh And I didn't even realize that what I was experiencing was verbal and emotional abuse until the end of my marriage. we were in counseling when I had said I'm I I don't wanna be married anymore. Like, I'm not happy. Depression was a huge part of my life for years. Like, I think the first time I was diagnosed with depression was about 10 years before I actually left. And I was made to feel like it was just all in my head and that it was it wasn't real. And so I went off medication I I I'd been put on medication. I was taking it, and I was kind of made to feel like, well, this doll in your head. You're yeah. This is ridiculous. What are you doing? And so I just went off. And so it was 10 years later that I went back on medication again. I thought I don't care what anybody says. I'm, I'm going on the medication, I'm getting myself. And it was once I started to kind of find myself where the depression was lifting, the anxiety was lifting, I found the strength to say like, this is, this is not the life I want. I, I wanna be able to show my kids what a healthy relationship looks like, and, and the marriage that we had was not it. And so I, I took a step out, and I said, okay. I'm, I'm done. And it was when we were in counseling that The counselor said to me on one of our one on ones, he said, I want you to read this book. It's called the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. And I'm like, why would I need that? He's like, you do know that you are in a verbally abusive relationship. Right? I said, no, actually. I, I don't. Because I, I didn't know. It was so gradual, and it was so so subtle that I didn't see it. And I didn't even realize until I was out of the marriage how bad my self esteem was. And so I really had to pull myself out. And I started my journey of self discovery, I would say the day I moved out of that house. and into my own home. Things skyrocketed. I I've just been on this journey ever since, and it's been amazing.
Mahara Wayman [00:08:57]:
I'm so happy that you're on that journey. and I'm really proud of you for for all the work that you're doing. I wanted to take you back to when you, you know, you're twenty years old and you've got stars in your eyes. And I know what it's like. I mean, we're we're at the same we were told that, you know, good girls get married and they have families and they, you know, they cook nice meals and all of these things that that, you know, that we grew up thinking that we needed to be. I'm curious, though, how was the rest of your family as you began to sort of deteriorate. Was was it visible? Was it obvious to others that you weren't happy, or were you really good at just faking it? I was great at faking it.
Jodie Graham [00:09:42]:
I would say my family knew that things weren't a 100%, but I kept them very isolated and very sheltered from that. I didn't share a lot of I was going through because my worry was is that I didn't know if I would ever have the strength or the courage to walk away from that marriage. And so I didn't want everybody to hate me. He's not a bad person, and I, I don't want everyone to think that he is a horrible person. He's he grew up in a different generation. Right? And so I kept that very, very quiet, and I kind of isolated myself from my family. And, and he was part of that. He didn't necessarily get along or, or have that great of a feeling for my family. And so it was he made it very easy for me to just kind of stay away and keep them at arm's length. And I I got very good at playing the part pretending and not letting them see really what was happening. And I know my mom has said a few times since that know, she feels really bad that she wasn't there to support me more during that time. And I've said to her so many times, like, you couldn't because I didn't let you. I, I didn't let them into that world. I kept it very, very hidden. I had a couple of really good close friends that that knew because they saw it. Like, we would go camping together and they, they could see it. Those were the only people that really knew. most people just I kept it very hidden. And I think that's part of the reason I didn't leave any earlier is because there was this facade of what our life was that I was really worried about being judged for leaving. because how could you leave somebody that was so good? You know, like, he was in a lot of ways to the outside world, you know, he I work days. He work nights. So he was there with the kids. He would help get their lunches ready. He would give them, you know, back and forth to school. He would do the majority of the grocery shopping. You know, he, he did laundry. And so he was, said that to most people, he was a great husband. And in some in some ways, he absolutely was. That's what I mean. He wasn't all bad. but there was that underlying, you know, that the passive aggressive, the cut downs, the, you know, I have to do everything. You do nothing stuff. And I'm like, there's a lot that I'm doing. And if if I take on all the things that you want me to do, I'm doing everything, and there was no recognition for any of the contributions that I was making to the family. And so it just eroded and eroded and eroded my self esteem to the point where I I really felt like I wasn't worthy of anything or anybody. but I finally decided, you know what? I would rather be judged than stay.
Mahara Wayman [00:12:39]:
I was really ready to do that, but it took me 10 years, 10 years to get the courage to say it. Wow. And I'm so, I'm so glad that you did can imagine that there's so many women and men, people in in their lives that don't have that courage. And -- Mhmm. -- that dilemma, like, wow, how can I tell them now after For example, even in work, how can I tell people now that I hate my job when I've been pretending to love it all along? up on my boss that I actually don't understand what he asked me to do. Went for 3 months, I've been pretending that I really did, or I'm exaggerating that. that, but I think it's something that so many of our listeners will be able to relate to is this idea of, oh, it must be me. Mhmm. Must be me that needs to change. Must be me. what do you think was the turning point where you finally said That's it. It ain't me. This is this is I'm I'm not in the wrong here, and I don't necessarily mean for you to share anything any intimate details but can you remember that turning point when you went done?
Jodie Graham [00:13:48]:
Yeah. There was there was a conversation that I had. I don't wanna get into specifics of who the conversation was with because I don't I got some that's their story, not mine. But there was a conversation that took place that I realized, you know what? I need to take control of my life. and I need to be able to demonstrate that it's not okay to be treated that way. to be a good role model. And so I kind of took a step back and thought, This is never getting any better. We had gone to counseling a number of times. the conversations were very much what the counselor would need to hear to make him look like the good guy. And then we would leave that counseling session, and it was very much of this is a a u problem, not a new problem. And so what I see now that I did not see then is we needed to be working on ourselves in that marriage. When we went to counseling, we very much went, or I'm gonna fix you, and you're gonna fix me. but we never ever went into it with. We need to fix ourselves so that we can show up better for each other. I see that now. the hindsight's 2020. Right? And so it finally just kind of hit that I just, I couldn't do it anymore. And having that one conversation really helped me to realize, you know what? I'm not doing anybody any service by staying. And, you know, and I'll I will never forget on my fortieth birthday, because I left when I was 41. On my fortieth birthday, he bought me a new wedding set. He had always wanted to have so that I had a bigger diamond and a bigger ring and all this kind of stuff. And And so he bought me a brand new engagement ring, 1 carat diamond, all that kind of stuff, gave it to me on my fortieth birthday, and I broke into tears. And he thought I broke into tears because I was so touched I was so happy about it. I broke into tears because I knew that we were over. And I just I didn't know how to say it yet. It took me another year to figure out how to say it, but I knew that we were our marriage was not was not gonna be one of these people celebrating 25, 30 years of marriage. At that point, we had been married for 18. and I knew we weren't probably ever gonna make it to 25. Okay. And I felt terrible for that because he was it was an it was a beautiful gesture he was not ready for the marriage to end, but I, I was. And it was that was hard. I felt really bad. but
Mahara Wayman [00:16:41]:
yeah. So the marriage is over, and thank you for sharing. What's You've probably there's probably a long list of things that you've learned from it, but what do you think is the biggest thing that you've learned about either yourself or your abilities, your capability for change after they get their marriage.
Jodie Graham [00:17:04]:
No. I think the one thing that I would say I don't even know what's one thing. I guess it's a combination of things, but I'm not too anything. I'm not too sensitive. I am not too selfish. I am not too loud or I am not too vulgar I'm not too anything. I am just me, and you can't stop me from being me. And if you don't like me, for who I am, then I'm not your person, and that is totally okay. I was so worried about being judged by everyone, that I gave up who I was, and I'm just not prepared to do that anymore. You either like me for who I am or you don't like me, and that's totally fine. And I would say that has been my biggest badass moment is recognizing that what you think of me is none of my business. That's not that. That's a huge one to learn. And I still there are still moments where I feel like, oh, if I put myself out there too much, you know, what somebody gonna think. And then it's like, no. You know what? I don't care. I don't care if I, I do care about people, and I do care that I'm kind and that people feel that I'm kind. But if, you know what, if I'm not your cup of tea and you don't really care for how I'm showing up for you, that's a you problem. That's not a me problem.
Mahara Wayman [00:18:26]:
I I'd love that. And, yes, for those of you listening, that is the epitome of badassery. What I love about that though, Jodi, is the understanding that regardless of somebody's opinion of you, it doesn't affect your worth. 1 may not like the way you speak or the way you look or the way you dress, but it doesn't mean anything about you. It's completely on them. And that's a really challenging lesson for anybody to learn, but I love that you that you brought it up because it's it's so true. And it is it's a hard yeah. So I think especially for little girls to learn. You know, we want so badly to please and be part of and to be liked and to feel worthy and to feel deserving. And you and I both know that so much happened to me when we're little, where we, you know, we stuff comes up and we believe it, and then we make it the truth. okay. So you've moved, you've your marriage is over, and You're in a good place with your work. But then something else happened that kind of was like a holy moly.
Jodie Graham [00:19:32]:
Yeah. So so I divorced in 2013. I got what I would consider my dream job in 2014. everything was going great. I worked there for a total of 7 years. Yeah. 7 years. The 1st
Mahara Wayman [00:19:53]:
5 years, 6 years. Fabulous.
Jodie Graham [00:19:57]:
loved it, dream job, loved the people that I worked with. I'm a I'm an accountant by trade, as well as a coach. And I always said that it was the issues behind the numbers that made a job exciting for me, because the numbers are the numbers. It doesn't matter where you go. It's the same job. But when you have exciting issues that you're dealing with as part of the organization, that's what made it exciting. And I loved where I was working. In 2019, I was given the opportunity to work on an organizational restructuring. So I had a a team, and we were able to dive in, and we had a last. It was a great year. I was super excited. And once that project came to an end, I was being moved into a new area. and it was, it was gonna be in my stretch zone, which I was excited about. I was appointed into that position at the same time that my boss appointed into his position, and he did not want me there. He wanted one of his people in the role, he decided that I wasn't the best fit for the job, and he treated me that way from day 1. So throughout 2020, not only were we dealing with a global pandemic, trying to figure out and navigate what the next, what we will be thought was gonna be 8 weeks, turning out to be how many years. But in trying to navigate all of that, I had a boss that made no bones about the fact that he did not want me there, and he ended up well, I ended up at the end of that year filing a harassment complaint against him, it took a year to settle and for the whole investigation and everything to take place. And at the end of it all, I ended up not being able to go back to the organization because I had completely lost trust and leadership. I did not trust that they would have my back. Even though the findings of the investigation came back in my favor, they were kind of I don't wanna say they were completely dismissed, but they basically said, well, he's he's been removed from the organization. or has left the organization, and he was allowed to leave under the auspices of a retirement. So he got to leave with kudos and congratulations. but then the letter that I got basically said, well, he's gone. So we're just, you know, we've accepted the report, but we haven't No. We re we've received the report, but we're we're just considering it done. So there was no acceptance. There was no admittance. So I never really got what I would consider my closure on it, and it wasn't until I was writing my chapter in the transforming pain to purpose. book that really getting all of that out into my chapter. I realized, you know what? I don't need them to validate anything. I know exactly what happened. I don't need any apologies from them. I don't need them to acknowledge anything because at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter. I know the truth, and that's all that really matters. And so, you know what? I stood up against that harassment because of everything that I had learned in my marriage. I learned that when you've had enough, you stand up and say I'm out and done, you can't do this to me anymore. And so I know there's people that, that suffer through harassment for years up in the workplace, and I wasn't prepared to do that. I just said, you know what? I I got treated like crap in my marriage. I don't need to be treated like crap at work. So I'm stepping up, I'm standing up, and The way it happens is the way it happens. And it's really actually reignited, a passion in me to, I'm now working with a law. couple of lawyers, and we're looking at how do we change the harassment process within organizations? Cause quite frankly, the, the process itself was almost more traumatic than the harassment itself.
Mahara Wayman [00:23:58]:
Okay. So first off, thank you for sharing. And, I'm so sad to hear that the process is more can be this is terrible. That's that's just awful. But what I'm what I heard from your storytelling was, isn't it, first of all, it's so interesting that the universe brings us what we need.
Jodie Graham [00:24:17]:
Mhmm.
Mahara Wayman [00:24:18]:
There's many, many lessons for you to learn in your marriage. And right like, almost immediately, you were given another opportunity to take those lessons one step further because, you know, my standing is, and even for my own experience, it's one thing to intellectually understand a concept. It's another thing to understand it viscerally in your body, for example. But it's a 3rd level of awareness when you see it in the outside world in another platform. Yeah. And then it's another level yet to act on it. So I just wanna say kudos because you've taken It sounds like, anyway, everything that you've learned, you've you've experienced, you've learned, you've stepped up, you've experienced, you've learned, you've stepped up, you've experienced, you've learned, you're like, oh my god. Not again. Once it was for my rights, but you did it anyway. And what I think is really beautiful is that it's led led you to this amazing place where you are today. So let's talk about where you are today. you've mentioned earlier that you're a coach, I feel bad because I actually didn't say that in the introduction. Jody's an amazing coach. You also you still so let's talk about where you are today, all the things that you do, and then I wanna hear more about the book that you that you off co authored.
Jodie Graham [00:25:38]:
So It's weird. People ask me, you know, I talk about coaching and they're like, what kind of coaching do you do? And I say, well, I do leadership coaching and divorce coaching. And I kinda get the blank look because they're two very different things, but they're not. So if you look on my LinkedIn profile, you'll see that it says I'm a collaboration coach. And that stemmed from, I needed a term that was going to be identifiable for leaders. as because divorce coach isn't gonna attract leaders. But if I just said I would sorry. I'm gonna stop because I gotta cough. k. So it's interesting because people will often ask me what kind of coaching do I do? And I do leadership coaching and I do divorce coaching. And on the surface, those seem like 2 very, very different pieces, but they're really not. So if you look on my LinkedIn profile, you'll see there's a collaborate. It's called collaboration coach. And I often get people asking me, well, what does that mean? And I needed to find a term that would kind of encapsulate both sides. And so if I said that I was a divorce coach, I'm not gonna attract leaders needing coaching, And if I said I was an executive coach or a leadership coach, people needing divorce coaching were not gonna find me. But I am certified as a registered collaborative professional to do divorce coaching. And I'd like, wait a second, when you think about leadership and in divorce, it's all about relationships. It's about collaborating. It's about helping to bring, bring people together from an interest based perspective to achieve a result. So the collaboration term actually works on both sides. And so that's why I label myself as a collaboration coach. What I realized, though, as I started diving deeper into the world of collaborative divorce coaching, Everything that I went through in the harassment process, and I said already, the process was horrible. But if you could bring the collaborative approach into the harassment process, it would have been a game changer because collaboration in the divorce sense is about coming together looking at things from an interest based perspective, trying to make sure that the need that both parties are being met and trying to come to a a collaborative decision that works for all parties. What a beautiful way to approach harassment in the workplace. So I really started thinking about, okay, how can I make this happen? And then I was in one of my cohorts for my collaborative coaching. for the divorce coaching. And I just happened to mention that this was something I was looking at. And they said, Hey, you need to talk to this other lawyer over here. fees looking at that as well. And so Paulette and I have connected, and we're actually gonna be running a workshop in September. We're gonna planning it in July and pulling people together to really start looking at is, how do we bring this forward into the workplace? Because My stepdaughter is a, grief and trauma counselor, and she said a lot of the folks that she works with that are going through the harassment process they spend more time talking about the process than they do about the harassment itself in, in their therapy, which I find just heartbreaking and horrific. Right? Like, you're finally brave enough to stand up, and then you get treated like crap through the process. It's I could go on for days about that, but we won't. So my world are colliding. My divorce coaching world and my harassment coaching and leadership world are starting to merge together because I feel like this is This is something that organizations need. And I am just so excited that I have now been connected with, you know, one other person, and she's connected to a people, and I'm looking at other folks as well. And, and I know we're gonna get this out there. We are going to take the world by storm, and we are going to shift to the way the organizations handle harassment in the workplace because this can't continue. I was saying to, somebody the other day that the harassment process has lost the human element. It's very cookie cutter. It's very well, when this happens, then we do a, b, and c. Well, a, b, and c can actually be trauma triggers for different people. And so without bringing forward a trauma informed lens, and being able to put the human element back into it, we're gonna continue to re traumatize people going through the harassment process, and we're never gonna fix harassment in the workplace that way. because people are afraid to step forward. Yeah.
Mahara Wayman [00:30:31]:
And what I'm what I'm getting from that also is not only the way that you described it. Not only are you continue are are the people continuing to feel harassed and traumatized? But the the harasser is not having the opportunity to learn anything about his or her action. Right? So I can it it sounds really quite powerful, this idea of going into a challenge with the lens of let's listen to both parties. This isn't just that she said. This is about understanding that both parties are humans. Both parties live, sorry, work within a organization that has a mandate that is made up of people. So let's not forget to treat everybody as a person. Do you think did I get that right, by the way? Yeah.
Jodie Graham [00:31:24]:
So I'm gonna add one more thing to that is organizations don't have the benefit of hindsight. Right? They don't know until the investigation is complete. Is it the respondent? that it was the issue or is actually at the claimant because there's false there's people that file false harassment complaints. But at the root of it, there was something not right between those two people, whether it's officially harassment, or whether it's poor leadership or poor communication. Just poor communication the organization doesn't know until it's done what the issue was. But what happens in most cases is the investigation is done And it's like, nope. It wasn't harassment. Alright. It's done. And they treat the person that followed the complaint like they were making something up. or that it wasn't a big deal. There was still something not right. People don't file a harassment complaint for shits and giggles. It is hard to take that step, and organizations often don't recognize that even if it comes out that it wasn't harassment under the definition, there was still an underlying issue that needs to be fixed. And quite often, the person the respondent in that, in that case is often able to just go back to life as it was, and it's like nothing happened. but they weren't operating as their best selves, or they wouldn't have had a complaint filed against them. And there's no recognition of that in these processes. There's no coaching that's given to the respondent.
Mahara Wayman [00:33:05]:
It's, yeah, it's broken. It's funny that you bring that up because as I do more and more coaching and I've I've been a coach for a few years officially, many years unofficially, but what I'm learning is that everybody can benefit from having the support of a coach.
Jodie Graham [00:33:21]:
Ugh, hands down. Right? Even so
Mahara Wayman [00:33:24]:
what I also take from this conversation, Jody, is that sometimes It may not have been in your case, but I can imagine that there are times when a company says, you know what? This person is he does he or she does exactly what we need them to do. They're getting the results. So let's just downplay any problems because I don't wanna I don't wanna have to upset them. I don't wanna discipline I don't wanna have to take them out of their role because as far as what we need them to do, they're excelling. And
Jodie Graham [00:33:54]:
that may be a little harsh, but I'm just imagining. I'm I see it right now. I know of an instance right now where that is absolutely 100% the case. and this individual is getting away with things over and over and over again. it hasn't, it hasn't been directed at me specifically. So I can't necessarily launch anything. I went and talked to the individual head on. and said, this is what I see. You are behaving in exactly the same way as my little boss did. And I, I, I called her on it. and basically I got shut down. I expected that. I have mentioned it. within the organization. And, unfortunately, they're not prepared to do anything about it unless people come forward. And so you know, I have encouraged some of the people that have come to me for support and guidance because they know what I've gone through in the past, and so they're coming to me for advice. I basically said you all need to band together and stand up. and so far that's not happening, one person has had the courage to start the process, but there's probably 5 or 6 others that need to in order to make sure that something ABB happens, but it's unfortunate that you're, you're absolutely right. They're, they're a go getter. And a lot of times what I find is the people that are either harassers or maybe not great leaders, they are really good at managing up. So the people above them think they're great. but they leave a wake of people behind them. Yeah. And that doesn't always get seen or acknowledged.
Mahara Wayman [00:35:34]:
So, Jody, for for our listeners today, for anybody that's listening, if you feel that you are in that position, what are some top tips that you can share with with everybody. What do you do when all of a sudden you're at your desk and you go, this something is not right here? What what do you think What advice do you have for these people?
Jodie Graham [00:35:54]:
My number one tip is document document document. So as soon as you feel like, you know what? This is not right. The way I'm being treated is not right. start documenting dates of interactions that you had with them and be specific, like I was in this meeting on this time with this topic. Here, these are the people that were in the room when it happened. This is what was said. This is how it was said. This is how it made me feel. like, really start to document the details to capture it. I would say especially with things where it's microaggressions, passive aggressive behavior, undermining and sabotage, like, the things that aren't so overt It's e that's even harder to prove, but you need to document it all because when you file a complaint, You need to have very specific examples of when it happened and who could actually substantiate what happened. And that's something I learned from going through my own process because it was happening for a year. I was miserable. I ended up having full on panic attacks, even just seeing his name pop up into my, emails. that I hadn't documented anything. So I had to go back through memory. And, unfortunately, there was a few things that my memory was off because you, you never remember everything a 100%. And so there was a couple of things that threw it that is like, no, no, that's not what actually happened. And I when I went back and realized that I realized that I had a of incidents slipped. but I hadn't done all the documentation. So if you are in a situation where you feel like the behavior that you or the treatment that you are getting is not appropriate, start documenting, start gathering that information, so that when you do get to the point where you feel confident enough to file a complaint, you have it, and you don't have to try and go from memory. even if you don't think you're ever gonna have the courage to step up against it, still document because you never know when you might get your breaking point and decide, you know, what I've had enough, I'm, I'm gonna do this. You also don't know when somebody else might file a complaint where now it might give you the courage or you might be called to witness. for somebody else on your team, because chances are you're not alone. It it's probably happening with other people on the team as well. So As soon as you start to get that little inkling, hey, this this isn't feeling right. This behavior is not good. start taking notes, and I am gonna encourage do it the old fashioned way, pen and paper. And there's a reason for that. Tell us. When you do pen and paper, if you go in and try to edit it and embellished or change, it, you can tell because your pen will be different. Your handwriting will be different. You'll have to squish it in somewhere. So it's more authentic to say, Hey, like, if you start keeping a diary, you know, on June 22 2020 3, this happened. When you do it on digitally, you can go in and edit, and it's not traceable unless you get forensics people going in. but it can call he called into question that, hey, you just edited it based on, you know, somebody telling you something or whatever. When you handwrite it, it's it's really more authentic to what you are in the moment, and it's harder for people to dispute that that's what happened in that moment. I could go in and, and, you know, you and I have talked chat GPT. I could go in and chat GPT something and edit it and put it in there. digitally. I can't do that with handwriting. So it actually is beneficial to to actually keep a diary handwritten because it goes to show how you were feeling in that moment. And It just adds a little bit of extra credibility when you're going through an investigation process.
Mahara Wayman [00:39:59]:
interesting because I'm seeing such parallels with what you've just shared and what I shared with clients, what we both do with clients on a regular basis, which is clarity is everything. Mhmm. And why that behavior made you feel this way. And by the way, how exactly are you feeling? Yes. So, you know, thank you for those tips. I think that's really brilliant, and know that regardless of where you're at on your either personal you know, your journey of of self discovery or where you're at in your new job or where you're at navigating a a marriage, understanding and getting really clear on how you're feeling and what's actually happening. And pen to paper is great. Is a great way to do. That's why we talk about journaling, right? journaling -- Yeah.
Jodie Graham [00:40:44]:
with -- And I wanna add, when you just said, you know, about how you're feeling, and I know you and I just talked about this at our retreat around extending your vocabulary of how you're feeling. So really try to get clear on I'm not just angry. I'm I'm actually disappointed or I'm frustrated. Like, What are you really feeling? Don't just use your 5 or 6 key emotions. Dig a little deeper on really how did it make you feel? because that is gonna be far more powerful because if everything about it made you angry, well, Yeah. But but everything always and never are are trigger words. Right? Like, if you're if you're going through an investigation, and you're filing a complaint and you say this individual always did this and always did that. nobody ever does it always. Nobody ever does it never. Right? Like, so make sure that you're not using kind of hyperbole type words. And, and that was really, it was really helpful for me. I had a really close friend that kinda helped me go through and, and read through my, my, complaints before I filed it. And I was using words like, well, they always did this, and they never did this. And it really helped me get clear on how to explain things because I I wanted people to realize and be realized that I was, how genuine I was trying to be with it. And being clear with, it's it's not that I was angry all the time. Sometimes I was hurt. Sometimes I felt invisible. Sometimes I was disappointed. But being more clear, viewpoint clarity on how you're feeling, builds the authenticity because people aren't always angry in every situation. But there's it's deeper for the most part, for the most part, but there's a deeper feeling there. And it helps to show your vulnerability your authenticity, and it doesn't make it look like it's a high, a criminalized situation. it, it makes it more real. And so be honest with yourself about how you were really feeling. I, I felt degraded. Beliddled. Beliddled. I felt dismissed. That was a huge one for me. I the dismissal in things that I would say or the fact that I would say it and wouldn't get any acknowledgement that I had even spoken was Like, the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. I lived silent treatment for almost a year. It was awful. But being, being real about how you're feeling. Expand your vocabulary in your feelings. It'll, it'll take you a long way. Great advice. Okay. So you
Mahara Wayman [00:43:38]:
you've gone through the harassment process. Where are you today today? Cause it's been a couple of years since that first transpired. Yeah. Where are you today?
Jodie Graham [00:43:49]:
Today today, I am I would say I'm living my best badass life because I am in the process and continuing to work on building my coaching business. I am working with the lawyer friend that I had talked to where we're starting to look at how do we bring this harassment fixed and a more powerful process out to organizations, and, and I know we're gonna get there. It's not a case of if. It's when, I'm making great connections with a number of family law divorce lawyers, and I'm getting client referrals. And I'm being able to help people navigate the divorce process with empowerment, some confidence, and at least feeling like they are a little bit more in control of the situation. you know, I I've been able to travel. My husband is kinda semi retired. I'm remarried. it didn't say that, but I am remarried since, since my last divorce. and very happily married. My kids are grown, contributing members of society. I couldn't be prouder. And so I really feel like my life is exactly where it needs to be. I am in, I know at some point, probably in the next couple of years, I'm gonna leave the world of corporate life. I still work full time and do coaching and everything on the side. my goal is to get out of corporate life altogether. And if my boss is gonna be listening to this, she already knows that. So it's not like I'm you know, dish in any deep dark secrets. She knows that that's my long term goal, but I feel like my life is exactly where it needs to be. And you know, I have my health is is good. My I have kicked the depression and anxiety disorder that I had. there are still days. I just lost my puppy. He came back and was, wasn't a puppy. He was thirteen years old back in April, and that was really hard. Like, that was a really grieving process because he was with me through the divorce. He was god, if he could have told stories, he would have had stories to share. And that was really hard. And I thought, oh my god. Like, is the depression back? And I realized, no. I'm just grieving. And it's okay to grieve. And that doesn't mean I'm, I'm depressed in me. I didn't, I didn't want that label anymore. And so I've, I've been working on my health. I work with a health coach. And I feel like I'm exactly where I need to be. it's God, it's so good. It's so good. And then you and I leading that retreat and helping other women step into that power and into that strength. Like, the tagline for my coaching business is step into your strength. and seeing those women at our retreat step into their own strength and into their power. And seen a shift in them. Oh my god. Like, just makes my heart thore. It's, it's just rapidly. And so, yeah, I feel like I'm exactly where I need to be. And everything is lining up where exactly where I need to go. And I just can't wait.
Mahara Wayman [00:46:53]:
Congratulations on all of your accomplishments and all of your hard work. And I think it's really key to remind ourselves, and for all of you listening, Just remember that no matter where you are in your in your life right now, good battery in the middle, there is always tomorrow. and things don't matter the same. Does it take courage? Absolutely. Can it be really difficult and challenging without a doubt? In a personal growth, on its own, even even and I'm speaking from experience, I had a great life, but I still decided to go on this journey, and there were some very tough times. But when you are facing, a difficult marriage or an abusive relationship or harassment in the workplace, the three things that we talked about here, it can be doubly challenging, but know that you are worth it because you are badass. And, Jodi, you've really beautifully demonstrated that growth is possible, that it you can survive, put in your foot down and going, wait a second. I'm not hap I'm not working. That's not working for me anymore. And it can be it can take a lot of, effort to work your way through it, but it's definitely worth it in the end. I love that the work you do today on both fronts is taking everything that you've learned on your on your journey to make a difference with people that you where you can. So I think that's really special. But we also talked about the book. You mentioned it, kudos to being a co author for the book. Can you tell us a little bit about how that came about? And, what you what it was that you added to the book?
Jodie Graham [00:48:24]:
So at the beginning of
Mahara Wayman [00:48:27]:
2023,
Jodie Graham [00:48:28]:
I took a brief course that, you know, you it was one day session, and it helps you to identify what your key is for the upcoming year. So your mantra, your, however you wanna define it. And when I worked through that process, I decided that my key for 2023 is to embrace the green light moments. And so for those of you that don't necessarily know what that concept is, Matthew McConnell, his book is called Greenlights. And he talks in there about, when things show up, it's a green light moment and you just step into it. Like, don't don't waste your green light moments when something shows up. So I decided gonna take a page from Matthew McConaughey. Alright. Alright. Alright. And I was gonna step into every green light moment that I could. And so I was on a Facebook group page and one of the fellows in there, was put a request out to say, Hey, does anybody wanna be, my guest on a podcast? And I thought, oh, it's green light. So I reached out to Brad and said, yeah, sure. I'd love to be on your podcast. So that was the very first podcast that I did. was great experience, a lot of fun. And then shortly after that, he the same fellow put out a thing asking for people to contribute to a book, to share their story and contribute to the book. And so I thought, oh, Greenlight. So I reached out to him again and said, okay. Like, what do you think? Should I? Is is my story the kind of story you're looking for in this book? And he's like, absolutely. I'm like, when do you need the story by? So this is the beginning of February, and he says I need it by February 24th. Well, I just about died because I don't fancy myself to be a writer per se. I thought, you know what? I'm, I'm gonna do it. So I stepped into the green light moment. And so the name of the book is transforming pain into purpose. the triumphant tales of empowerment, and it's volume 2 because he had done another compilation book with it before. So there's myself and 15 other authors, all women where we share our story around how we have turned the pain that we have suffered over the course of our lives into our purpose. And that's exactly what I've done. Like, as you mentioned, I've taken everything I've learned my divorce. I've taken everything I've learned from the harassment, and I'm bringing it into my world, and I'm helping others to navigate through that. And so It's it's been an incredible journey with it. when the book was released, we hit international best selling status within the day. So it was fabulous, then I can, I can actually now say I'm an international best selling author. And then, as part of that as well, I was invited to, you know, maybe reach out and and step into a into a space called Blue Talks where it's very similar to TED Talks, but the blue stands for business life and universe. I have signed up for that. I haven't actually delivered my keynote on that yet. timing just hasn't worked out, but I am going to start, you know, digging into that one yet and still embracing. I'm hoping to get on to, like, Harvard, one of the bigger universities. so that's pretty exciting. That's definitely taking me out of my comfort zone, but I, my goal is at some point, some point to be on a Ted stage. And, and I feel like my idea worth sharing which is their tag, is the idea of bringing the collaborative process into the harassment world because I feel like that is something that this world needs. And That's my proclamation is I will be on the TED stage one day, and I will be talking about how we have transformed the harassment process to make it more collaborative with the human element from a trauma informed perspective so that people feel seen heard and understood. So, Ted, if you're listening, I'm open.
Mahara Wayman [00:52:36]:
You heard it here first, guys. She has made the declaration. Jody, I love that. I love that vision for yourself. It is so needed, and I wanna thank you for sharing your story, with us today because it it's so important. So many of us are stuck in situations where we feel undervalued, unseen, harassed, fearful, or just yuck. Right? It doesn't even have to be as on that end of the spectrum, in certain relationships, whether it's a marriage or not. I have that just are have unsettling relationships with friends. So
Jodie Graham [00:53:10]:
yeah. You know, there's one there's one more story I'm gonna share with you. And this happened back when, oh, my when I was just found out I was pregnant with my second child. And I had a boss, a male boss, and I was temp I was hired into a temp position. and I was interviewing for a permanent position. And the boss that I had was very much of if you're in this role, you need to be working on your accounting designation. Like, it wasn't an option. You had to do it. Well, I had just found out I was pregnant with my second child, so I was gonna delay getting started on that because you know, it was a, it's a lot. You're growing a baby, working full time, and going to school. Like, I thought, okay, this is a lot. So I was just gonna delay it. And they weren't gonna offer me the permanent job because I wasn't working on my designation. And so I even though I was early on in my pregnancy, I wouldn't normally told people yet, I did let them know that I had just found out I was expecting. And this mailbox came to me and said, you're ruining your life by having more children before you finish your education. Most women that, that I know don't ever finish once they've had kids. and he walked away. And I'm like, you clearly don't know me very well because as I had mentioned at the very beginning, I am a stubborn individual. and determined. And so I thought, no, I'm going to I I will finish. So I went on to have my second child, and then I enrolled and And I did finish my designation. I got that, and I actually had another child after that and still finished my designation. And it worked out that the day I got my business cards where I was able to put my full name with my moniker of CGA behind it. I was heading downtown for a meeting, and I happened to run into him. I had not seen him since I left that organization. And I have not seen him since, but I ran into him that day, which was, like, it's crazy. Anyway, I stopped him and I said, hey, Do you remember me? And he kind of looks at me and he's like, oh, you look familiar. And I said, I used to work for you in said organization. And I said, I was one of your junior accounts. And he's like, oh, yeah. I do remember you. And I said, do you remember telling me that I was gonna ruin my life by having kids because I would never finish my designation, and he kinda got all sheepish and didn't say anything. I just handed him my business card. And I said, I went I was married at the time. So I said, Joey Bauxhall, CGA, have a nice day. I'm just walked away. I didn't give him the opportunity to respond. I didn't do anything. But the message that I want all of those women out there. If you wanna live your best badass life, don't let anybody tell you what you can or cannot do. you can do anything that you set your mind to. And if anybody tries to tell you different, piss on them because only you can make that decision. So like, I that to me is one of my big, like, very proud moments. It's like, you know what? The the universe put him in my path that day, because I needed him to know. You can't talk to people like that. Do not try to put women in their place because we will always prove you wrong.
Mahara Wayman [00:56:43]:
Okay. You are bad ass. Well, I always know you're a bad ass, but that story is total badass. Jody, I can't thank you enough. for joining me today and sharing your story with us. And I'm sure that there's tons of listeners that can relate. Everybody listening, if you wanna get ahold of Jody, check out the show notes because I will put in there all the great ways that you can connect with her. I'll put include the link to her amazing book from pay turning
Jodie Graham [00:57:09]:
turning pain. -- transforming pain into purpose. Pain
Mahara Wayman [00:57:12]:
transforming pain into purpose. It's fabulous. thank you again, and that's it for another episode of the Art of Badowsery. We'll see you next week. Take care.
Mahara Wayman [00:57:28]:
Thank you for tuning in to the art of badassery. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and gained valuable insights to help unleash your inner badass. If you found this podcast helpful, please leave a rating or review on your favorite platform. Your feedback not only helps me improve the show, but it also helps others like yourself discover the podcast. Until next time, keep embracing your authenticity and live in life on your terms. Here's to you.
