Mahara Wayman [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the art of badassery where I explore what it takes to live life on your own terms. Break free from the status quo and unleash your inner badass. Whether you're a rebel at heart or simply seeking inspiration to step outside your comfort zone, this podcast is for you. I'm your host, Mahara Wayman. And each week, I dive into the stories, insights, and strategies of those who've mastered the art of badassery and are living life to the fullest. They smile when no one is lucky. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another episode of The Art of Badassery. I'm your host, Mahara Wehman.
Mahara Wayman [00:00:47]:
And today, a truly inspiring guest is joining us, a powerhouse of resilience and positivity. Hailing from the heart of Youngstown, Ohio, Marshawn Oh is a testament To the transformative power of education, passion, and her unwavering commitment to making a difference. This is my kind of gal. You're gonna love her. She is a proud graduate of the Ryan High School, holding her diploma as a symbol of her early academic accomplishments. Her thirst for knowledge led her to the University of Memphis where she earned a bachelor of science degree and later to National University where she achieved a master's degree. She resides in the sunny coastal city of San Diego, California where she embraces life with open arms. Her heart is filled with a deep love for reading, an appreciation for unforgettable live performances, and a passion for music that resonates with the soul, And a genuine joy in spending quality time with friends and her beloved daughter.
Mahara Wayman [00:01:48]:
But what truly, truly sets her apart is her dedication to uplifting and empowering others. As the founder of our consulting company, she has a special calling that revolves around helping black Christian women transform their mindset, shift their perspective, and ultimately, Redefine how they appear in the world. So get ready to be inspired peeps, enlightened, and motivated as we dive deep Into her incredible journey and the wisdom that she has to share with us today. It's such an honor to have her here today, and I can't wait To uncover the gems of insight that she has to offer. Welcome to the show.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:02:31]:
Thank you so much, Mahara. Thank that was a beautiful introduction. I'm loving all of that.
Mahara Wayman [00:02:35]:
Oh, you are so welcome. I love meeting women on my podcast because what I'm noticing is that and just so you know, folks, the the introduction that I read is based on information that they give me. But when I read it back to them or when I write it and read it back to them, almost everyone, their eyes have opened up a bit and they went, is that me? I'm like, yes, girlfriend. That is you. So you're very welcome. So what got you what made you wanna go on this podcast today? I'm
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:03:08]:
curious. You know, because I feel like listen. As soon as I saw the invitation, I'm like, oh, yeah. I'm a badass. Oh, wow. That resonates exactly with who I am. And it took me a while to actually get to be able to Confidently exude badassery. And I had to just own it and I was like, oh, that's me.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:03:30]:
I got a story. I'm a badass now. Okay. And so I'm owning it.
Mahara Wayman [00:03:34]:
Yes. Awesome. I love seeing women own their story, but It's not it's taken me almost 58 years to get to where I can own my story. Can we go back to when you were a younger woman? When you first started to think, wow, I I'm not happy how things are, and so I gotta make a change. Was there something in your past where you went, mhmm. Thank you. I'm listening. I gotta make a change.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:04:02]:
Yeah. You know, for me, it didn't it didn't happen Until I was in my twenties, when this light bulb moment came came to me. I was actually 27. And 27 is where my divorce took place. And 27 was when I really had to figure out Oh, Marshawn. Yes. The reason why that's important is because I come from a large family. Speed this story up.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:04:29]:
I come from a large family. We're around each other all day, round cousins, and seeing relationships, and I was around people all the time. At the age of 18, I joined the United States Navy around people all the time. So I was there for 3 years, met and married my husband from the Navy Around him all the time. We traveled, we did a whole bunch of stuff together, and then when that marriage failed, I was all by myself. And this was the 1st time I really had to figure out who Marshawn is. 1st time living alone at 27. Then I had to figure out who Marsha is at 27, and it was it was head scratching, a lot of head scratching moments of What the heck is actually going on? And all of that together was, like, my biggest oh, you gotta get it together Because you don't live with mama no more, and you're not going back home.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:05:27]:
You're no longer with your husband. You're by yourself. You're not in the navy. You are literally with Marshawn.
Mahara Wayman [00:05:35]:
So thank you for sharing that, by the way. And what what comes to mind is how many of us struggle with being by ourselves. Mhmm. You know, we are we are we're raised in a in a culture of community, which is beautiful. But I can totally appreciate that all of a sudden when everyone's gone, that there Could be this feeling of, but I don't know the real me because I have seen me and everybody else rather than See me in me.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:06:09]:
My heart. My heart. It was to the point where I did not wanna be in my apartment alone. I would find any excuse not to go home unless I was tired to go to sleep. Like shower, sleep, wake up, I'm out the door because I need to be around some people. It took me a long time where I had to have a conversation with Marshawn to say it's time. Why you keep running away from the house?
Mahara Wayman [00:06:40]:
Can I Thank you very much? Can I ask if that was the beginning of your relationship with Your faith or have you always been
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:06:52]:
Christian? No. I've always I've grown up. So funny. I've always been a Christian, but I'm also a PK. For those who don't know who that what that is, I'm a preacher's kid. Oh. So I've been a part of my Christian faith and church my entire life. So God was there, right, but I still wasn't calling on God, I just thought it was me.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:07:18]:
I didn't even know that I wasn't alone in my loneliest moments. I just felt it was just me, and I I didn't want to Experience me because I didn't know who I was.
Mahara Wayman [00:07:31]:
Yeah. I get that. Like, why would you wanna experience it? It's like saying I wanna go on a date with nobody. That doesn't even make sense. Right? But I so what did you do? Because I know I know when I talk to my clients, one of the first things that Really, we tackle is getting really clear on who we are. So I'm wondering what you did to find you.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:07:54]:
You know, in the beginning, it wasn't like a structure anything. I also didn't know about coaching and and at the point, honestly, to be quite frank. I don't think that it was as big as it is now, like, coaching. So I didn't think about therapy, didn't know about any of that stuff. So what I actually did was I just started reading Relationship type books to try to figure out what was actually happening, why, and and then I I also so books was the one of the first things, and then I literally just start sitting with my feelings. I didn't have any, like, outlets or anybody to talk to or go to. At at least I didn't feel I did. And and I also didn't have, like, a community surrounding me to say, Hey, what is this? Why am I feeling it? Is this normal? So I just kinda just read books and just sat in my stuff.
Mahara Wayman [00:08:47]:
That takes guts. My feelings. Does it? Oh, you know what? I think it does. Because what I've noticed in, What I've noticed personally in my journey of self discovery is that no matter what or where you're from. We, as humans, have developed an ability to run away from what is uncomfortable. Right? That's not that's kinda normal. It's natural. But what happens over time is that we get so used to ignoring something until the point that we can't ignore it anymore and where we just Feel it in our bones, in our stomach.
Mahara Wayman [00:09:23]:
You know, our bodies our body holds everything. And I think it takes a lot of courage to feel those feelings. That's one of the things that I had to do was to go, k. Why? Wow. My stomach's been a knot for, like, 7 years. What the hell? I you just I got used to that feeling. And and so I do think it takes a lot of guts to go, okay. I'm a I'm feeling a, b, c, d, or e, and to just sit with it.
Mahara Wayman [00:09:48]:
That takes strength. But what's so amazing is that those feelings typically, If you give them space, they will move on. Right? They will move on. Yeah. It's almost like, it's almost like the emotions are just pulling At your shirt tails going, listen to me. Listen to me.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:10:06]:
Hello. I'm interrupting because I know where mine Specifically came from me sitting in it had a lot to do with me running out of money to run. Oh. So running to go hang out, running to go eat, Running to travel. I was running out of money to run. And when you run out of money You stay put. In my end, yeah, you gotta stay put. And so in my instance, I had to fill the field.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:10:33]:
I wanted but I also wanted to go deeper because I just didn't understand why. I'm, like, I'm a pretty good person. Pretty good person. So why am I like this? Why was I choosing, you know, why did I choose this particular guy? Why didn't the relationship work out? Like and then not only pointing the finger at him because I know that there were some things that I literally could've worked on. And I just had to figure out, like, hey, you did you wasn't doing this one. You could've did that one better. And I kinda went down the road, but also still crying Because who wants to say I'm a get married today, I'll only get a divorce? Nobody really raises their hand for that. I'm also that person.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:11:13]:
I don't wanna raise my hand for that. And so it was just like, okay, my my dreams my dream of what I thought my life was gonna look like, which is one time married, My my 2.5 kids, my white picket fence in my house like everybody else. I wanted my dream, my my American dream as well. And when that didn't happen, I was just like, well, Why not?
Mahara Wayman [00:11:34]:
Why not? Horrible question. And, you know, doesn't the greatest gift that we can give ourselves, I think, is a gift of curiosity without judgment. And I don't know about you, but I'm a some kind of judgment girl. I didn't realize how judgmental I was until I started studying it. In my mastery method coaching, certification course, we had a whole whole module on judgment. And I'm like, oh, I'm gonna breeze through this because I'm the most easygoing, nice, you know, open minded girl. And, like, within you know, just jumping into it, I all of a sudden, I'm like, I could feel my chest tightening. I'm like, oh my god.
Mahara Wayman [00:12:10]:
That's judgmental. Oh my god. That's judgmental.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:12:13]:
Oh my gosh.
Mahara Wayman [00:12:14]:
Like, what? I I was just so surprised. And it's okay that we are that way. We just need to recognize it and pull back when we can and go, wow. That's interesting. So, really, being curious is such a bonus. How did your family react to your, to this place that you found yourself in where you just sat and got curious.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:12:42]:
Two things. I have to say that it wasn't something that I just came out and spoke about. And then the other part of that, the other, Part of that is it wasn't okay. So I didn't really live around my family at this point at this time. So what I didn't have, like, a daily interaction Action with them. For them to be able to say, hey. What's going on? Or why are you? Or you seem different? Any of that stuff. It was More of really just me.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:13:10]:
So maybe my friends my friends at the time were asking questions, but not really my family. But still even with that, it was it was more of a something's different, like, they can pinpoint it, but something's different. And then I and and the things that they wanted to do, I no longer wanted to do. Like, I know that I was growing. Maybe not at maybe at the time, I didn't have that word growing, but or growth process or anything like that, growth mindset. I didn't have any of those terms at the time, but I was just like, I don't wanna do that anymore. Just that that that is just not fun for me anymore.
Mahara Wayman [00:13:50]:
I know that that's one of the things that I see quite a bit when people are on this journey of self discovery, which is total coach talk. But When when people are so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, they often ask questions whether they get a coach or not. But what I see happening is because their energy has changed and their needs and wants and desires and goals and thoughts are different. It there's sometimes, a separation from old friends. Right? It's not that I don't like you as a friend anymore, but I just don't have anything to talk to you about because I wanna go left, and you're determined to go backwards. Right? Yes. And that can be hard because sometimes it's like, no. No.
Mahara Wayman [00:14:29]:
No. I really need my friends. You know, I'll do all of this deep introspection on my own quietly, not tell anybody. But, eventually, it does come out because we we What I think happens is that we actually step into our greatness. Yeah. And the minute we agree to step into our greatness, everything changes. And some people wanna be on that journey with us, and some people don't. And they're happy to say bye.
Mahara Wayman [00:14:52]:
Sometimes that can be really hurtful, and it it's one of the reasons why I think so many of us Stay put even though we're unhappy because we would rather be moderately unhappy but with the familiar And without the familiar and run the risk of being alone and without the famil you know? Like So it's awesome that you were able to do
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:15:15]:
that. Well, I have to say for me and and for me, it really wasn't that Tough for me to quote unquote allow allow my friends to kind of fall by the wayside because I've pretty much been a loner. I was I was teased, so my my loner ness came from me being teased about my chocolate skin. And so I would try to find ways for me to shrink and not be seen and I had a group of Friends. Right? But all of us kind of fell in that same, nobody sees us. And so When when it was time for me to, like, blossom and come out, it's like, you're not going this way? That's fine. I'm kinda used to this journey Of aloneness. I'm kinda used to finding my own way, being the outlier.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:16:08]:
It's it's okay. I understand. So it wasn't really it it or I should say it isn't because it happens still today. It isn't hard for me to allow somebody to Be released from my life. Because if we're not going together and getting better together, then you're literally just taking you're draining from me. And that's just the way that I see life. It's, there are plenty of friendships that have just fallen off. There was no argument, no fight, no I hate you.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:16:34]:
It's just Your season your season has come, and it's
Mahara Wayman [00:16:39]:
okay. It sounds it makes me think of you know, there's I don't know which philosopher said it or which Poet wrote about it, but there's this there's this visual that I get when you're talking that like a river or like water, water just goes. It just flows, And it'll pick up things along the way. It'll it'll you know? It's just very, very present. And that's what I get when you share that, which is really lovely to see. It's when we grab on to something out of fear or a a feeling of lack or a feeling of worth worthlessness that we that we sort of That it hurts. Yeah. So, awesome.
Mahara Wayman [00:17:23]:
So you now live in San Diego. Tell us a little bit about your business And what drew you to this work?
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:17:30]:
Yes. So I am a shift relationship strategist, and I guess you already mentioned that I'm the founder of my consulting But what what what what a shift relationship strategist is, right, is where I'm helping to shift all of you. So we're starting with the mind. We're working with you. Starting with the mind, shifting your mind. We're shifting your viewpoint or your perspective. Right? And then we're also shifting. All of that comes together where you start to shift the way that you show up in the world.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:17:58]:
Like, Your confidence, it starts to exude by the way you stand, the clothes that you wear. Now you're speaking to the person eye to eye instead of Looking everywhere but in their eye. You're able to articulate the things that you want, the things that you need, the things that you desire, versus going along with just somebody else's plan or their playbook. You're allowed to contribute to your life and realizing that You are a co creator. Right? And I say co because God is part of your creation, of you creating the life that you want to live. And you're only going to get what he already has said yes for you to have. Right? So, you're co creating your life, but understanding that you have to show up for yourself. You have to show up for your life and so literally all of that stuff is what I help my, my sisters do.
Mahara Wayman [00:18:53]:
That's beautiful. And it's so important that people understand that, you know, change happens from the inside out. Right? That's a big one, I think, for for many people to sort of recognize because so many of us have bought into this belief that if I just have the husband, I'm gonna be happy. If I just have the beautiful house, if I just lose ยฃ10 or or a ยฃ100, if I just move here, if I If I just get all of these things assembled in the outside of me, then I will feel worthy, safe, and loved. And ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to tell you that's Absolute b s because, really, you got you it's sad. Right? You gotta recognize that you were born deserving. Undeserving. And when you can when we can let go of the need for the outside stuff and focus on recognizing the inside, The outside stuff kinda comes a lot easier.
Mahara Wayman [00:19:44]:
Right? So but it's not an easy lesson. I mean, if it were easy, You know, we'd the world would be Nirvana, and that's just not the case right now. But we can do what we can through it. So how many years have you been in business?
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:19:57]:
So I've been in business officially before where I'm literally making it a business. But I was coaching Prior to as many years as I can remember, didn't, again, didn't have that title for coaching back in the day, but I've always been the person that sees things differently. I never put all men that all men does this, that box. All men does that. All men does this. I never done that. I've always been the outlier. And so I was like, well, you should look at this differently or what were you doing? So I've always kind of coached, for as long as I remember, but as far as a title, certification and all of that, about 4 years.
Mahara Wayman [00:20:33]:
Nice. What's the biggest thing that you've learned about yourself?
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:20:37]:
The biggest thing I've learned about myself. That's a good question. What is the biggest thing I've learned about myself?
Mahara Wayman [00:20:42]:
So we're going to take a short break right now, but I'll be back with my guest within in 60 seconds. Ladies, unlock your inner badass and transform your life with my monthly subscription workshop. For just $47 a month, you'll have exclusive access to work closely with me, Mahara Wayman, as we dive deep into all things badass from personal development to conquering your goals. Imagine waking up every day with confidence, purpose, and a smile that radiates Your new found strength. Take advantage of this badass opportunity and join us today at www.mindfulness fullness with mahara.com and start your journey toward a happier, more confident you. Smile when no one is looking. You've earned it.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:21:32]:
I think this is gonna be cliche, but it's true for me, which is how worthy I actually am, how worthy I am, how I'm good enough, and I know enough. So it really is all of the good enough, worth enough, I am enough, What I bring to the table, how I speak up for myself. And I think a lot of that, maybe the underlying, is Just loving on me. Just the love that I have for myself. I'm able to show up in a way That I couldn't when I was younger or didn't believe I could when I was younger. And so I just own my own. So the biggest thing, I guess, like I said, Underlying of all of that is really loving me.
Mahara Wayman [00:22:22]:
Thank you. That's so powerful. And that, you know ultimately, I think that's what all of us want, is we want to be able to see what what others see in us. Yeah. And I don't you know, I remember there have been quite a few times in my life where people have said something to me. They're like, Where did you come from? I'm like, I just was downstairs. Like, What? Because they whatever I've said to them has affected them in such A way that they're just gobsmacked. I'm like, what's wrong with you? Like, what? And I realized I think what's happening that I am finally allowing myself to see what other people have seen in me all along.
Mahara Wayman [00:22:58]:
And that is and, of course, part of me is like, What kind of scene is that 18?
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:23:06]:
Right. Yes. Yes. Yes. The power. That's when you're speaking, It sounds like you you didn't recognize or maybe sometimes you don't recognize your own power.
Mahara Wayman [00:23:14]:
Well, I think that's exactly it. And, For all of you listening, guys, that's what this podcast is all about is about. It's recognizing that we all we have to do to be badass people is put your hand on your heart and say I matter. So many of us can't do that and really mean it. But we you know what? I matter. You matter. So Within your business, who do you typically well, I I know I mentioned in your intro that you help black Christian women connect with their faith, do the mind shift. Can I ask what made you focus in on that niche?
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:23:52]:
Well, I I have a a soft spot in my heart for black women. Yes, because I am 1, but then also I think that we've just had, such a tough time in life and being accepted. And we have thrived in all of these all other areas of our life, or I should say the majority. And I want us to make sure that we thrive in this area of our life as well. I know so many, People of excuse me, black women of influence that have like CEO, CFO, all of those letters after their name. And when it comes to their romantic relationship and the relationship with themselves is not as, Let me, let me, let me step back. The relationship with themselves is not as confident as they appear to the world and then their romantic relationship is either Not on par or non existent, but a lot of them long for that. And so I I want to help them to understand that you can have this as well.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:25:00]:
There there's gonna be some work that you have to put in Because you're so used to being a boss, in in the workplace, that you got to learn to turn tone that down in the house, So there's not this masculine energy competing. But, but, yeah, so that so anyway, I'm going down the rabbit hole. My point is I decided to focus on, black women specifically because I want us to win in all
Mahara Wayman [00:25:26]:
areas. That's all. That's beautiful. What's one of the things that you dream about for your business that hasn't hasn't quite materialized yet?
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:25:35]:
It hasn't material that you know, I haven't
Mahara Wayman [00:25:37]:
There is something. There may not be, but I'm just curious.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:25:39]:
Oh, no. There's absolutely. Yes. There's always room to grow and my growth is Touching, helping more black women to get more exposure so they know that there is a qualified black woman out here that's rooting for the number one, but then also I really want to Help you get to the next level in your life.
Mahara Wayman [00:25:56]:
So I wanna go back to something you said earlier, which was you did the hand motion as well when I talked about how challenging life can be. You said, yeah. You know, it Up and down, up and down. Talk to us about that period of your life where you really were trying to find your way, and it was kinda going up and down.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:26:14]:
Okay. So that takes me back to remember, I got a divorce at 27. Right? I was one of the people that didn't Automatically slow down and do the reflection. I started to jump into dating once again. And actually, that's not true. I waited about a year, but I still wasn't like working on me. I just wasn't dating, but I wasn't working on Marshawn. So After that, I was like, okay.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:26:39]:
I think I'm about ready to start dating again. I know I know that I wanna get married again. So I In order to do that, you gotta put yourself back out there. So I started putting myself back out there, and I started dating. And what I realized, And this took a period of time, but I'm gonna speed up the story. What I realized is that I was either dating the same type of guy, Or we would never go to the next level, meaning I never made it to the girlfriend stage. It was a lot of dating. It was some situationships.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:27:14]:
It was some, friends with benefits, but it was never a Title where the world knows that I am his girl. And I was just like, it was it was crazy. So, Mahara, I was in that for 14, 15
Mahara Wayman [00:27:31]:
years.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:27:32]:
Wow. I was just going And I was just like, hold up, just stop, let's pump the brakes. Marshawn, What is happening? And this is when I started to do the deeper work and ask myself and reflect, and literally the question I remember to this day, The question that I asked myself was: Marshawn, what is happening? Because you are the only common denominator in all of these relationships that are not going to the next level. What are you doing? What are you doing? And so I went about the business of answering that question: what Are you doing? Maher, I went about it so much so that I didn't realize at the time, but I started you know how an ex will text you, call you out of the
Mahara Wayman [00:28:26]:
blue?
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:28:26]:
Mhmm. So when that started happening again, instead of me, like, playing their game, I now had a game that they were gonna play with me. And that game was giving me some information. So when I would get the call, the text, whatever, months later, even sometimes years later, Not all, but several of those men, I would say, hey, can we meet in person? And we would meet in person, and after the pleasant Trees of how are you and all of, you know, what you've been up to. I would say, hey, can can you help me out? I really don't. I'm past us. It's good to see you, but I'm past us. I really would like for you to help me understand why we didn't go to the next level.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:29:09]:
Like, what what what happened? How was I showing up, like, what was I doing that was turning you off for us to not even get to girlfriend boyfriend
Mahara Wayman [00:29:19]:
stage? Wow.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:29:21]:
And they would answer, and again, this is over a period of time, period of years of doing this. I would gather the information and when I would go out on a new date with a new guy, because now I got new energy, I would start to correct said behavior that was mentioned by the men that I dated, and I would just do that over a period of time over a period Now I wanna back up a little bit because, yes, that did happen. But what really, got me to get to the next step for me to start Coaching is I took a 2 year break to figure out me. I took a 2 year break to not only figure out me, but also to start that inner work that I was talking about. And so I had to go deeper. There was no friends with benefits. There was no dating. I would Talk about guys, like, with my girlfriends, but I didn't that was not my focus.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:30:19]:
My focus was me. I had to really figure out why I was losing. Why was I losing? And then that childhood, being teased about being dark came up. That ugliness came up, and I had to sit with that some more. Right? And then the divorce came up. Why did you lose at that? Had to sit with that and work through that. And now this roller coaster of basically 15 years of dating. What is happening? No.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:30:49]:
I had to figure out all of these things, And it took me about 2 years to decipher and really understand a lot of what why Marshawn was failing.
Mahara Wayman [00:31:00]:
Oh, can I ask thank you for sharing that? Can I ask what was Either the main or one of the stories that you that you realized you were saying to yourself because I really believe that it's stories we tell ourselves that we that that create our experience and off story is not true? But to your point, We can usually track it back to childhood. Something that happened, and we just we put 22 we put 22 together and got 7. We're sticking with 7. I am sticking with 7. Until 30 years later, you're like, oh my god. 2 and 2 is not 7. What the hey? So I'm curious. What was the story, if you can share it, that that came up for you?
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:31:44]:
My story was always, I believe what the people were telling me about my dark skin. And I remember I remember one Me and 2, 3 girlfriends. I don't remember the number, but we were just walking down the street. This was teenage years. And we were walking down the street. A car full of guys comes by, and they're, like, choosing the friends. Right? So we're walking and they're driving. So the guys in the car are choosing us, the girls.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:32:13]:
And I remember being the last one. And I remember the the the Statement that was made, which was, she's just too black. And so from that moment on, So I've been teased about being dark, then I hear this. Everything that occurred in my life afterwards and why I wasn't being chosen was always Because she's too black. She's too dark. And oddly enough, I never really heard. I'm I'm sure I've heard it once or twice, but the majority was black black dark skin. It was never you're ugly with black skin.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:32:49]:
You're ugly with dark skin. It was usually just the dark thing, the black thing. So I didn't correlate ugly and black together, but it was still, like, well, he's not calling me back because I'm too black. Most men and again, this is my story. Right? So most men like light skinned women, so he ain't gonna call me back. He probably just wanna use me for sex. You're not good enough because you so all of this ugly I was carrying around. Like you said, it started from childhood that I now turned into my story.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:33:21]:
I was carrying all of this around, giving away my body too fast, too soon because I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be accepted Because maybe maybe if we're having sex, maybe he's not looking at my dark skin. Or maybe he just didn't even realize that I have dark skin. Like, all of this crazy.
Mahara Wayman [00:33:39]:
All those crazy stuff. Okay. 1st off, I'm just sending you a great big hug because that what you've ex what you've explained, I think so many of us can relate to, Whether it's skin color or hair color or just the way that we talk or the way that we look, I'm Jamaican, and I didn't really understand racism until I was about 10 or 11 when I moved to Canada. My father's black. My mother's white. Jamaica, everybody all all different colors in between, all different nationalities. I mean, I saw it a little bit there, but I was too young to really recognize. But when I moved to Canada, I I saw it.
Mahara Wayman [00:34:19]:
And, it is hurtful because we don't have the mental capacity To understand and put it in context. Right? Like, what 15 year old girl is gonna say, you bet I'm black, baby.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:34:33]:
Right. Unless she's been empowered, which I definitely went out with that.
Mahara Wayman [00:34:37]:
Most of us aren't, and that's the thing. Right? When you're 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, you know, you're just looking for validation and understanding, and it's so easy for us to, to to miss out. Right? And Sometimes it's even with our family. They don't realize what this and I've, you know, I'm I've got kids. I've said things to my kids, And I had no idea how hurtful they were until, my youngest who calls me out on everything, she'll point it out to me. Like, you can't say that to me. I'm like, what? You can't say that to me. I'm like, I'm so sorry.
Mahara Wayman [00:35:08]:
But it's I mean, it's a human
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:35:10]:
condition. Yeah. It
Mahara Wayman [00:35:11]:
is. So, thank you for sharing that. And for those of you that are listening, You know, I'm gonna challenge you to ask yourself, what is the story that you are still telling yourself that no longer serves you? They have served you well as a child, you know, for what whatever the story is, but ask yourself, is it does it still serve me? And if the answer's no, And you can change your relationship with that memory. You can. I'm not gonna go into that because that's a whole coaching session or seven. But Just know that you're not alone. Question everything. Question the stories that come up.
Mahara Wayman [00:35:47]:
So beautiful, you've had 14 years of the roller coaster. You began to ask questions of your exes, which is pretty ballsy, can I just say? Then you took the knowledge To your new set of dating. And where did what did you learn about yourself once you started to change that behavior?
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:36:07]:
That, Literally, it has nothing to do with the actual skin tone. It has everything to do with me as the person and how I'm showing up. So if I am not confident and I'm down here, what man is gonna really want me on his arm? Right? So I had to literally And figuratively, sit up, understand who I am, love all of me, accept all of me For who I am, how I am. Right? And really not worry about if the other person, in this case, a man, Wanted me in that way. I had to want me in that way. And I also had to know that I was worthy to be wanted in that way.
Mahara Wayman [00:36:56]:
Mic drop. Yeah. That's that's massive. That's really, really that's the I mean, that's the whole enchilada. Right? When we can stand Naked, looking at ourselves in the mirror and go, you awesome,
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:37:09]:
girl. Yes.
Mahara Wayman [00:37:10]:
Then that you know, that you know, we we joke about it, but, really, mirror work, Oh, can be so powerful. Right? When you can look at yourself and go, wow. I love my tummy. That tummy gave birth. That tummy held 2 babies. You know, those stretch marks, man, they mean I'm a warrior versus, oh my god, I gotta go on a diet.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:37:30]:
Yeah. Yeah.
Mahara Wayman [00:37:32]:
Yeah. Good stuff. Good stuff. So Where are you at today? Can I are you in a relationship? I am. We've been talking about relationships What is it? I gotta ask because I actually don't
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:37:46]:
know. Yes. Okay. So the answer is yes. However, I am separated. I am separated from that relationship because, again, it wasn't serving me, and I also chose this relationship when, I wasn't as healthy as I am even today.
Mahara Wayman [00:38:07]:
Okay. How amazing is it though that you are able to Talk about this so articulately and honestly and vulnerable because that really takes, what I get is, wow, a lot of you put a lot of thought into this, and you've really felt it, lived it, learned it, Questioned it, gone back over it, gone and that's that takes I said it earlier, it takes a lot of courage, and it's really quite beautiful to watch. And What I want people to understand is because my guest has been so open and Honest and comfortable with her story. I am open and honest to receive it and comfortable to receive it. Can you and I'm speaking to the guests to to my Audience, think back to a time when you were in the room with somebody and you just picked up uncomfortable vibes. You actually mentioned it earlier. Marshawn, you said if I'm feeling down and, you know, how can anybody you know, they're gonna pick up on that. But when we can own our story with confidence and Maybe even a bit of humor, then other people will react to that as opposed to, oh my god.
Mahara Wayman [00:39:14]:
You're a you're a down in the you're a Debbie Downer. Right? I don't wanna be around you. Your your your story is making me uncomfortable. And I I so I wanna just say thank you for the way that you've even just shared your story with us because It has been it is really it's not uncomfortable at all even though the subject matter, you know, kinda pulls at your heartstrings. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of pull through
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:39:36]:
your accent. You know, I I really just Maher, I really just believe that if I can't show up authentically, How in the heck am I expecting anybody around me to do the same? If I okay. So because, Because you just brought up a coach that you coach. I also coach, right, black women, right? And we know that from, what we talked about, but also I like to practice what I preach. If I'm teaching and sharing and trying to help you to get over your hump And I have an actual example that can help you get there. Why would I not share that? Also, because, we talked about, wanting to connect with others. The only way to do that, the only way for somebody to feel like I am not alone, Oh my god. I understand.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:40:29]:
It's for me to be the most authentic that I can be. This is who I am. You can accept it or not. I'm totally fine. Whatever way you want to go Because your thoughts about me really don't matter to me Especially from people that I don't know like right the people that can type all of the ugly things on the Internet. I don't know you. Thank you for listening. Okay.
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:40:59]:
I don't know you.
Mahara Wayman [00:41:00]:
Yeah. And, you know, I I I beef peep I've heard it said Many people have said their versions of it, and my father even said it, which was that's not your business. What somebody thinks about is not your business, and I'm like, but dad. And she's he's like, no. I see. That's that's not your business. You know, he was just, he's no longer with us, but he had so he had so many great, lessons for me. I know that's why I chose him to be my dad from the spirit world.
Mahara Wayman [00:41:25]:
But, you know, he he said I remember him so clearly saying, In some instances, that's the universe's business. Just back away. And I'm like, what? Why do I even know what you're talking about? You know, all these years later, I know what he's talking about. Right? But at the time, he'd be like, that's not you know, bless them and release them. That's not your business to go there. Just bless them and release them. And I'm like now I'm like, oh, that's the best. I want a T shirt that says that.
Mahara Wayman [00:41:48]:
Right? Because I spent a lot of time. And sometimes I still fall into it where I just get caught up in what I think is I think it's fun to to get, you know, all caught up in the drama of something. It's not. It's not fun, and it really hurts. And my body doesn't need it. I'm too old for that shit. Right? I just remember my dad's saying, just bless him and release him. And but it is a fine line.
Mahara Wayman [00:42:12]:
You know? Being being a spiritual being in the human body, It takes takes work. Right? It takes effort. Effort. Effort. It does take effort, and I think that's one of the things that so many people are missing is they would like and I count myself. I used to be like this. I just wanted it to be easy. Like, can you just tell me what to do? Hello, business coach.
Mahara Wayman [00:42:35]:
Just tell me what I'll just do it. No. I don't wanna figure it out. I just want you to tell me. And then they would tell me something, and I would do it, and it wouldn't work out. I'll be like, damn you. It didn't work out. So we are all on this journey together, but, Marshawn, I love that first of all, you're bringing such honesty to the conversation And a recognition that everybody matters.
Mahara Wayman [00:42:58]:
And if you have had a story that no longer serves you or if it Is the story is now at odds with what you want today in your world? Reach out for help. You know, 20 years ago, coaching wasn't. People didn't really talk about it that much. It was kinda you need to shrink or, you know, go hang with your girlfriends or you need to shrink. There's nothing in between. Now it's we're so fortunate That there are there's a lot of support for for anybody out there that is looking for some help. So, guys, check the show notes because, of course, I'm gonna drop Lots of ways to connect with with my guest today. And can you tell us a bit about the gift that you have? Because there is one of the links I'm gonna drop is a gift.
Mahara Wayman [00:43:35]:
What's that all what's that all about?
Marshaun Olaniyan [00:43:37]:
Yeah. So it's all about the secrets for black women, and what that is is the top 5 secrets that are stopping black women from, experiencing their extraordinary
Mahara Wayman [00:43:51]:
relationship. I can't wait. I'm gonna check it out myself. Marshawn, I have just loved chatting with you today. Honestly, this has been a great conversation, and I look forward to having another one later down the road. We'll get caught up on all things all things beautiful. Let's put it that way. Those of you that are listening, I wanna thank you once again your support.
Mahara Wayman [00:44:13]:
I hope you enjoyed our conversation today with my beautiful guest. And and, really, as a reminder from both of us, you matter. You matter and take steps if even if that means sitting quietly and asking yourself why I'm feeling that way. One of the best things that Things that you can do for yourself for sure. My name is Mahara. This has been the art of badassery, and I will see you next week. Have an amazing week, everyone. Thanks for joining Thank you for tuning in to the art of badassery.
Mahara Wayman [00:44:47]:
I hope you enjoyed today's episode and gained valuable insights to help unleash your inner badass. If you found this podcast helpful, Please leave a rating or review on your favorite platform. Your feedback not only helps me improve the show, but it also helps others like yourself discover the podcast. Until next time, keep embracing your authenticity and living life on your terms. Here's to you.
