Mahara Wayman [00:00:05]:
Welcome to the art of badassery where I explore what it takes to live life on your own terms. Break free from the status quo and unleash your inner badass. Whether you're a rebel at heart or simply seeking inspiration to step outside your comfort zone, this podcast is for you. I'm your host, Mahara Wayman and each week I dive into the stories, insights, and strategies of those who've mastered the art of badassery and are living life to the fullest. They smile when no one is lucky. Welcome to the Art of Badassery podcast. My name is Mahara, and I'm so excited today to introduce you to my guest, Lane Gardner, a speaker, author, arts educator, and cofounder of Thread, a nonprofit that serves trauma survivors and communities in crisis. Lane is a fierce advocate for healing through creative expression and has spent nearly thirty years helping others uncover their creative brilliance.
Mahara Wayman [00:01:07]:
She's turned her painful past, including surviving a fundamental she's turned her painful past, including surviving a fundamentalist cult, into a powerful tool for mental wellness. We are gonna dive into her journey today. We're gonna look at her TEDx talk and her new book, Lifeline. So grab your favorite drink, and let's jump right into today's conversation. Lane, welcome to the show.
Lane Gardner [00:01:31]:
Thank you so much for having me, Mahara. I'm psyched to be here.
Mahara Wayman [00:01:33]:
We're gonna have fun. So I often open my show with a very bold question, which is, why are you badass?
Lane Gardner [00:01:40]:
Well, I came from a tough past. Right? And I know we're gonna dive into it a little bit more, but I am a badass because I've had to fight like hell to be the fullest version of myself. My early life was tough in the way that I was basically robbed of my authentic self, my authentic experience growing up. And so the badassery is really about committing my journey to becoming more and more of myself and helping others to learn how to do that as well. We've all had stories where life has happened to us, where we've been robbed of really essential parts of our lives, of ourselves, of our soul, of our true essence. And I do think that that's the key to joy and happiness is becoming more of ourselves. And so I love the badassery of being your fullest self.
Mahara Wayman [00:02:35]:
What a great view on the word badassery. I'm curious, though. When did you first realize that what you were feeling wasn't a representation of the real you and it was just stuff? Because I am imagining people listening going, oh, that's all well in one, but how can you feel badass when your life is shit?
Lane Gardner [00:02:54]:
Yeah. Well, I will tell you that, you know, there's been a series of so many big moments in my life that fell apart starting probably in my early twenties. And over the course of those moments of crisis where I was going through, a breakup, I was going through, you know, a loss of a career that I thought that I spent my whole life, you know, pursuing and learning how to do. And I had these moments where, you know, things just fell apart. And I think in those moments was when I realized and I took the opportunity to go within and say, okay. What's going on here? Why is this not working now? Why am I having these repetitive situations where I'm not getting what I thought I was gonna get out of pursuing x, y, and z. And I was able to go within and be able to say, okay. Something here is not in alignment.
Lane Gardner [00:03:56]:
Something here is not being true to me, Right? Or or isn't the true me. And I think that in a lot of ways, you know, life will collaborate with us if we think about that. Like, sometimes we have great losses that feel horrible, but you could also look and say, okay. Well, maybe that maybe that was in my best interest so that I could become the next best version of myself. And I think it's been a learning curve for me my entire life, like, trying to, you know, have these moments where I looked at loss or looked at, you know, an unexpected turn of events and say, okay. How can I be more of me now? How did this help me shed some of the stuff that I was given that was never mine to begin with?
Mahara Wayman [00:04:44]:
I think what's thank you for sharing that. And what really stood out for me and what I believe wholeheartedly is when we have the courage to ask questions versus just assuming that it can start to happen. So I think it's really powerful that you call that out. You get well, I think what you said was I gave myself permission just to look to go within. And I wanna be cognizant that maybe first time listeners are like, what do you mean by go within? So Yeah. This is words to, I don't wanna say jargon, but this is stuff that, you know, those of us in this industry. I'm a coach. And, Elaine, as you're gonna find out in the rest of the podcast, it does this in spades.
Mahara Wayman [00:05:22]:
When we say go within, we kinda just mean stay quiet and just start asking and and think rather than being speaking and going and asking questions on the outside. Ask questions of yourself. Think. Go within. Is there anything else you wanna add to that to that definition? Because I wanna be just I wanna make sure that people understand. They may not be on the same path you're at.
Lane Gardner [00:05:44]:
Well, this sounds this might sound a little bit, of a, what's the word I'm looking for? Like, a little bit of a of a very strong and bold statement, but I'm gonna say it anyway, which is that I think that we have an inner oracle within us, all of us. And it's this it's this inside space that knows what we need, that knows who we truly are. And it's there for us to learn how to listen to it, to learn how to uncover it, to learn how to discover what that is. Right? And I think that's just we all have that. You can call it your soul. You can call it, you know, whatever whatever that feels like to you. I in the book, I call it, an an oracle. You are your own oracle.
Lane Gardner [00:06:30]:
Right? And, like, learning how to listen to that, learning how to go within, is really, in my opinion, one of the greatest tools that we can give ourselves because we're always you know? And it's just the way society is. It's the way that we're raised. We're always being taught to look outside. Somebody knows somebody out there knows better than me. Right? Somebody, please tell me how to be, who to be, what to do, how to think. Right? That's just what we're so many of us are given as we're being raised. Right? And so I think it's a bold and badass thing to do to say, actually, hold on. Let me learn how to go within and start to listen.
Lane Gardner [00:07:11]:
And it's like a skill. It's like a muscle. You just the more and there's no right or wrong way to do it. I think each of us, just the sheer idea of saying, let me go within. Let me be quiet. Let me even just ask myself a simple question of, what do I need to know right now? What do I need to know about myself right now? Why am I not feeling great right now? And I think when we listen with with curiosity instead of with judgment, we always get information that we need, and we can build on that. And and I think that inner oracle is a thing that we can grow and depend on more and more as we, you know, get better at it.
Mahara Wayman [00:07:52]:
Great great example and description of that, but playing devil's advocate here because, you know, that's the host's job. What do you say to someone who's like, well, that's great, but I got lots of voices inside. I got the one that says you're a loser. Just shut up. I got the one that says stay quiet. So how do I hear the one that's actually giving me the advice that I really need to know?
Lane Gardner [00:08:17]:
We all have this inner critic, this inner, you know, what's the word? The inner critic or the or the the the part of us that is so judgmental. Alright? And that comes from so many places. That comes from authority figures who told us we weren't good enough. It comes through society who said we're, you know, we're not being who we're supposed to be. Right? So these voices, I think, that we have, if there is a if there's a judgment to it, if there's a if there's a feeling that we have within that says, I'm not quite good enough. I need to be better or I need to be different. I think that's how you know that somewhere along the line, it's coming from an outside source that has that feeling of judgment or cutting you down. Clear and clean, and and it also feels like supportive and growthful.
Lane Gardner [00:09:13]:
And it doesn't have this sense of, like, you're not good enough. It has this idea of, like, hey. Could you try this? Hey. You know, like, it's like a cheerleader. Right? And I think that that's how for me, and that's how when I work with other people, that's how I kind of like to talk about it. It's like, it it you kinda have to tune into how it feels inside you. Does it feel judgmental, or does it feel encouraging?
Mahara Wayman [00:09:38]:
Such a such a great way to describe it. And as you were talking, I couldn't help but picture myself or even my children when they were little. You know, this idea that they could do and be, we could do and be anything. You know, I remember distinctly being very, very little, and it never occurred to me that I couldn't. Just never occurred to me because as I was learning and growing, I had the love and the support, and my imagination was amazing. And what I realized is that as I got older, that level of trust and creativity diminished for all the reasons that you've already mentioned, society, what people have said to us, experiences that we've had. So I I I'm liking it to that belief that many of us have as very young children that we are the center of the universe before things happened and we stopped believing that. I I don't know if that resonates with you, and I don't know if it's gonna resonate with the audience, but that's kind of the feeling I've got as you were describing it.
Lane Gardner [00:10:44]:
You know, I love that you said that because the book there's a there's a there's a a a prologue in the book that says, I came here to be brilliant. How life happens, you know, is a different thing. Right? Life has a really shitty way of making you forget what you know. You know? And I think that that's exactly right. And that's how I kinda tell the story in my book. It's it's part memoir. It's part toolkit of of offering creative, ways to sort of get back in touch with ourselves, but I think that's true. We all come in with this brilliance, this inner brilliance that's so unique to us.
Lane Gardner [00:11:20]:
Right? And each of us is so special and so unique because we have a singular brilliance that nobody else does. And we don't it doesn't occur to us, right, as young people, like you said, that we were anything other than that. But as we grow and as life impacts us we we are forget that or we stop believing that or stop experiencing that just that pure joy of who we are and I think it's really important that we find ways to get back to that because I think that so many of us have this, like, this inner ache. We can't quite put our finger on what we're missing, but it's there. When you get quiet and when life is still, you feel it. And I think in all the work that I've done for myself personally and in the work that I do, I've kind of boiled it down to this, which is that we're missing beautiful important parts of ourselves that we need to be reunited with. That's that ache. And when we can reunite with those parts of ourselves and uncover them and discover them and recover them, we come into greater wholeness.
Lane Gardner [00:12:27]:
And that brings us the fulfillment and the ease that we're all looking for. Right?
Mahara Wayman [00:12:35]:
So so good. Would it be could we link this need that you've just described to your experience of being in the fundamentalist cult? Because I mentioned it in the introduction. Yeah. Point in pretending I didn't say it. Can you just tell us a little bit about that and how you feel maybe there's a connection to that that ache that we all have? Yeah. I
Lane Gardner [00:13:05]:
had a very extreme, you know, situation, but I think that all of us can relate to this in some way. In my youth as a in the cult, and then we did leave the cult, but my my parents were still very much, in this fundamentalist belief system. Right? So, really, what the core of this belief system was is that we are not good as individuals. We have to be perfect for God. We have to be better. Like, the that we are inherently needing to be something other than we are. We have to be, you know, what everybody tells us to be from the Bible or from you know, in my situation in the fundamentalist call, a lot of what was being, you know, taught and propagated was so far beyond the beautiful principles of the Bible. Right? And and and I just wanna sort of say to your listeners that I, my experience with religion is is is it was hurtful and harmful but I in no way, am disparaging religion and faith.
Lane Gardner [00:14:16]:
It's such a beautiful important part of each of our lives and we all find it in our own way. So I just wanna make sure that I, you know, that I am not as I'm speaking about this, that I don't wanna come across as saying that the that the the things and the teachings, in all religions are not valuable to us because because I think they are. But in my situation, they were they were used to manipulate and control and harm. And so for me, in those early developmental years, I developed this belief that I was inherently not good because I was being told that and because I was always being taught to do more, do better, try harder, be more perfect. Right? And so that really decimated my sense of self. And I sort of you know, I'm sure anybody who has any kind of trauma from their background can relate to how that, how that changes your inherent development trajectory. You start developing all kinds of survival mechanisms, all kinds of, you know, putting yourself into all kinds of pretzels in order to be acceptable to the people that you are being raised by or the people that you're with. And so I think it was so damaging to me even though, you know, I was being brainwashed, obviously, over the course of these early years.
Lane Gardner [00:15:50]:
And I was trying my best to do these things because I was trying to stay alive. Right? Not necessarily because I believe them, but I I you know, in a situation like that, you kind of have to do what you're supposed to do. Right? And it wasn't until much later until I was able to to to get out of, that and go go to conservatory and start a new life where I started to realize so much of that that was damaging to me needed to be looked at. And it takes a long time. It took a long time to kinda break it down because even though it wasn't my true self that I was living, it was my familiar self. And so it took a while for me to understand that what might be familiar, even though it wasn't working, even though it was hurting me or it didn't feel authentic, it was still familiar because it's what I was given. And so then for me, I went on this journey of utilizing the arts as a way to start to get to know myself. Creative activities, creative, you know, processes to sort of be like, okay.
Lane Gardner [00:17:03]:
How do I strip away? How do I even know how to strip away what is not mine? And that's how creativity became such a powerful tool for me because I started to see that I could use it for that way, for that purpose.
Mahara Wayman [00:17:18]:
Yeah. And what I think is interesting here is and I'd like to touch on it again or a little bit more, is this understanding that we are in survival mode. And there may be an opportunity or there may be a need for forgiveness for ourselves, recognizing that we were doing the best that we could with what we had. Survival mode is great until it comes to a point when you realize it's not enough. Right? Some people choose to live in survival mode all their lives, and that's absolutely their choice. What was, if you wouldn't mind sharing with us, your tipping point when you went, k. Surviving ain't enough anymore. Can you share that?
Lane Gardner [00:17:59]:
I had many tipping points, honestly. But I will say one of the first ones for me that was really, really serious was when I became a mom. About twenty years ago, my son's about to turn 21 now, which is amazing. But when I became a mom, a lot of that past trauma and belief systems just started coming out. Right? I was in this place where I suddenly was responsible for this beautiful, gorgeous human, but it triggered all of those wounds of not being safe, of not being good enough, of of, you know, what if something horrible happens to him? Right? Like, what happened to me? Like, it just became a bit of a debilitating situation in my early motherhood. You know? And not only that, but I, of course, I had, you know, really bad postpartum depression. Like, I I had a lot of stuff. And and I think so and and I think this is true of so many of us.
Lane Gardner [00:19:01]:
Like, try to keep going. Right? And I and I'm not saying that as a judgment. I'm just saying, like, who wants to have to do hard things? We don't wanna choose that. But we have these moments in our lives when when life steps in it, and it becomes something that we kind of can't get around. And that was one of those first moments for me, and I needed to get help. I ended up getting, you know, myself into a supportive therapeutic environment, you know, to start really working and looking at this stuff. And I talk about this in the book. When I first went into therapy, I remember seeing my therapist, like, I had a pretty good life.
Lane Gardner [00:19:39]:
I had a fine life. Like, I don't really know what's wrong. Right? There's this part of me that was so used to making everything just work because I was in survival mode all the time that it I wasn't even clear on how bad and how abusive and how damaging my upbringing was. Right? And so to your point about those of us who often are just in survival mech survival mode, sometimes we don't even know we are because it's all we've known. Right? And it takes moments like this where, for me, it just became sort of something that I really needed help for to to start breaking it apart and to start to see, oh, okay. You know, I do. I do. I can get out of survival mechanisms.
Lane Gardner [00:20:31]:
I just need support.
Mahara Wayman [00:20:33]:
I can really relate to that. And a couple of things come to mind years and years ago. Well, I've always struggled with with my weight. And I I really I didn't realize it until my very dear friend called me out. And what was happening was I would make fun of myself before anybody else could whenever we were out at a restaurant, for example. So I would make a joke about how much I was eating or how much I plan to order. And I I honestly had no idea that this had become so prevalent in my vernacular until my best friend said, I'm done. Enough.
Mahara Wayman [00:21:14]:
What? Like, I totally missed it. And she's like, I am so sick of hearing you put yourself down. I'm like, honestly, I went, kitty cat, what are you talking about? And she said, you don't even hear yourself. It's disgusting, which I don't know if she said disgusting. But, really, it was the first time she pointed out the the humor that I was using to mask the pain and the embarrassment and the self and the judgment that I had on myself or the way I looked and and, you know, my eating habits, which, guys, were fine. And I looked great. Right? That's what I've been I I would I would pray to look like that again. But it was one of those moments when I realized I was completely oblivious to what I was saying and the pain that I was causing myself.
Mahara Wayman [00:22:01]:
And to this day, I'm so thankful that she did that because it was one of those were one of my moments when the universe just said enough, Mahara. Enough. You can't ignore this anymore. Yeah. Thanks for sharing that. I'll I'll quickly share the other time, which is I laugh about it now. It was only a few years ago, so it's kinda funny that I can laugh about it. But it's when I got my certification as a as a mastery method coach.
Mahara Wayman [00:22:26]:
It was a year long certification. I have told the story before, but I'll make it really quick. Year long certification, the thing that I was most interested in was how to create a business. And on day one of this group program, the the lady that was running it, Alyssa Nobrega, shared, the first half, we're gonna look at all of the tools that I'm gonna share with you. The second half will be the business component. And I'm like, what? I gotta wait six months? I don't tools. I'm a very happy person. I'm a really together happy person.
Mahara Wayman [00:22:58]:
And then, you know, the next day, we started practicing tools on each other. And within, you know, five minutes, I was a sobbing mess. And I was like, but I'm a happy person. What's coming up? And it was like the first time that I had done any sort of inner child work, and I was invited to just listen to my oracle. And what came out was was filled with pain and angst. And I wanna be very clear. I am a happy person. I have amazing parents.
Mahara Wayman [00:23:27]:
I'm very blessed for the life that I have. But within all of that, I still had some beliefs that were holding me back. I still had some ideas that just didn't mesh. They were not aligned, and they were painful. So I tell that story now with with a bit of tongue in cheek because I'm like, okay, universe. Thank you. This was exactly what I needed. This was exactly what I needed.
Mahara Wayman [00:23:52]:
Part of being badass is surrendering in my world to learn the lesson because the universe knows better than I do. Right? Just hands down saying that. So okay. Where were we? Thank you for sharing your experience with motherhood. Was that was that a shock, the amount of work that you put in to peel back the layers and understand why this was coming up for you?
Lane Gardner [00:24:23]:
Shock is probably not the right word. But I think that it was, the word that's actually coming to mind, believe it or not, Mahara, is a relief. And let me just sort of kinda talk out of the top of my head about what what I'm feeling as you asked me that question was, I think that some part of me knew that I was holding all of this inside and functioning in a way that wasn't, you know, my my truest self. Right? I wasn't at peace. I wasn't at ease. You know? And so, yes, I mean, I I did have to go through a process of peeling back that was indeed both painful and, cathartic and extraordinary because I suddenly was giving myself context for, you know, something that you had said for what was holding me back, for things that were holding me back. Right? And so, you know, there were definitely things that I uncovered that, you know, sort of are breathtaking. Right? Like, oh my gosh.
Lane Gardner [00:25:30]:
How did I even survive that? Like right? Like, I think all of us have these moments where we can look back with clarity and say, wow. I was a badass even then. How do I even how did I even do that? And and thank goodness I had some part of me that was developing these survival tactics or these mechanisms to keep me going. Right? And so I think for me, as I dove into it, I started to feel the relief of, like, there's a chance that I can feel better now as opposed to life is just always gonna feel like this. You know? Life is always gonna be hard. You know? And and and for anybody who's a survivor of anything. Right? Like, you I'll speak for myself, but I think, you know, we can kind of relate is, like, you kind of develop the this armor to get through, and then it's hard to shed that because you don't realize that you're just always living life in a hard way because that's how you sort of had to be. Right? And so the relief was, gosh.
Lane Gardner [00:26:39]:
Maybe there's a possibility that I can feel better. Maybe there's a possibility that life can start to feel, like, more open, more possible. Right? And so that was the relief. That was the sort of the thing that always drew me forward. Even though there were things that I had to work with that were hard, there were just as many things that I got to work with that were brilliant and beautiful and and life affirming and soul affirming. Right? And I think that's how the process of healing works. Each of us does it in our own way. But knowing that as we're working with tough stuff, we're also creating space for joy and ease and and and possibility.
Lane Gardner [00:27:24]:
And and that becomes this beautiful cycle, this beautiful circle of continuing to become more and more of you. Right? And how how badass is that?
Mahara Wayman [00:27:36]:
You don't get more badass than that, really. So thank you for that for describing that. As you were talking, I had this visual or this idea that we can get it's very easy to get caught up in the doing. As you mentioned earlier, we we live in a society now that really puts accolades on doing. Just keep doing. Go. Go. Go.
Mahara Wayman [00:27:59]:
And we can fool ourselves into thinking that that feels good. And I it's kind of this. This is the challenge because we're so used to thinking that it feels good. The idea of slowing down is scary. And so, you know, no word of a lie. I know what it feels like to go, wait a second. I'm so tired of people telling me I need to just slow down and take a breath. I wanna just flip them the bird and go, I don't have the luxury of slowing down.
Mahara Wayman [00:28:30]:
All I know is to push and push. Because if I slow down, then who am I? If I'm not, who am I? And so that to me is part of being a badass is having the courage to go to answer that question. Whether the answer is, I don't fucking know. I just know you used the word ease, and I really that word. It's such it's a it's a soft sound and feel, but it is immensely powerful when you relate it to feeling like a badass. It's okay to feel easeful in life. I now believe that life is meant to be that way. It's not meant to be hard despite what I may have told myself.
Mahara Wayman [00:29:14]:
I don't know where I was going with this other than I recognize how hard it is to slow down, especially if what has kept us moving came from a platform of survival. Right? Yeah. I slow down, I'm gonna get eaten by the tiger. If I slow down, I'm gonna get I'm gonna have time to realize how miserable I am or to realize how hurt I have been or or am. So
Lane Gardner [00:29:39]:
I just if I could just say a quick little thing. You're hitting on something that I have have most recently gone through in a very new and cathartic and healing way. You know, over the course of the last couple years, you know, I I wasn't expecting to write this book. It was sort of one of those things that kind of, you know, plopped in my lap, and I kind of fought tooth and nail about it because I never really wanted to tell my story. I wanted to hide hide it away. It was I was embarrassed. I was ashamed of of of what I was given. But I I did it and, you know, whatever.
Lane Gardner [00:30:16]:
A lot of amazing things came out of that. But what I'm trying to get to is that on the other side of writing the book, started to feel exhausted. Like, truly, truly, like, I couldn't keep pushing. And here I was thinking to myself, I've just I've just launched a book. I'm just putting out all these new things. Like, I can't slow down. I have to keep the momentum going. And my soul was going the opposite direction and just like you know? And I had to start you know, I I didn't wanna face it for a while.
Lane Gardner [00:30:50]:
I kept pushing and pushing to the point where I started I I got shingles. I got you know, like, my body just started saying, okay. Well, if you're not gonna listen to me, Lane, then I'm gonna make you stop. Right? All of this is to say is what came out of me finally slowing down and taking a listen was that I had based so much of my self worth on my productivity. And that was a long term survival mechanism that I started way back when as a young person, right? I, maybe I can stay out of harm way harm's way if I just work harder, if I just do more. Right? So I carried that all the way with me through my life. I've accomplished a lot, but I've also exhausted myself a lot too. Right? And I didn't see it until recently that I didn't feel like I was going to be good enough if I wasn't always hustling.
Lane Gardner [00:31:50]:
And so when I talk about bringing ease or feeling ease, one of the things that I've had to learn in my in my in my midlife now is that sometimes I think ease is actually even more desirable than happiness. Right? Like like, could we just live life that feels easier? Right? That might actually be the definition of happiness for some of us, just to to feel ease. Right? So I just wanted to share that and share that with your listeners because it's never too late to realize that you deserve to feel good just by being you without having to constantly turn out the work. And that's I I've almost put myself, you know, like, in the grave working myself to the bone because of this. I didn't feel like I was worthy if I wasn't working all the time. And so I think that was a hugely important healing moment for me that came out of writing the book and and and and going to another layer of healing my story, healing my past. And I think it's just especially as women. Right? We we we have so many roles and responsibilities, and we feel that we have to do all of this.
Lane Gardner [00:33:06]:
Right? It's part of what we're given as as women growing up in this society. And so I just wanna put a little cheerleading out to all of all of your listeners that, like, if I can do it, you can do it to find a way to give yourself a little bit of a break and know that you are so good. Even if you don't do a damn thing, you're still good.
Mahara Wayman [00:33:29]:
What an important message, especially for women, and I think especially for women for female entrepreneurs. I've only been doing this for a few years, and I'm still caught up in I'm just beginning to understand that I can do less, and it's okay. Right? I don't have to post on social media every single day. And not an easy lesson to learn because despite all of and this is totally from my point of view. Despite all of my work, my knowledge, my experience, all of the stuff that I've learned of myself in the last couple of years, I still part of me is like, oh my god. Did I post today? Did I, you know, did I do this or did I I still haven't finished the second book. I also have a book that I'm working on, and I wanna talk about the book next because now I really wanna know more. But I still succumb to the I'm not quite worthy until.
Mahara Wayman [00:34:24]:
Yeah. And it is a work in progress, and it is part of being badass. First of all, it's recognizing what you're doing and then taking one small action. This is what I say to my clients all the time. What's what makes the most sense? What's the next best thing in or aligned action with this particular experience? And it's really funny because most of the times and I was like this too. I would come up with some big action. And I'm like, wait a second. That's so it's a gazillion things that have to happen before you can do that.
Mahara Wayman [00:34:52]:
I said small. What's something small you can do? So I'm learning that lesson as well. So thank you for sharing. Your book, let's let's talk about the book. When did you write it, and did it okay. First of all, when was it written?
Lane Gardner [00:35:07]:
I I I wrote it in the in 2023, and it came out in January of this year, end of January. Mhmm.
Mahara Wayman [00:35:23]:
How did you know you had to write the book?
Lane Gardner [00:35:27]:
Well, as I said a few minutes ago, it actually wasn't even my idea. I could set the stage. I had just gotten my son out the door for college in the summer of twenty twenty two. And without getting too deep into it, my experience with, being a mom was really tough, not only because of my own stuff, but my son is a brilliant, extraordinary human who is also on the autistic spectrum. And so the journey of being special needs parent was really, hardcore. You know? And I'm thrilled to say that he's doing great, but we both worked so hard for all of those years to get him to a place where he's thriving, doing great now. So I had in my mind, I've got this guy out the door, and I was like, I just need a break. Just need a break.
Lane Gardner [00:36:18]:
Like, that was really hard. Being a mom was really hard. Let me just and not that I'm not a mom, but you know what I mean. Right? And so I had gone to this conference over that summer, and I met a woman who, and I I had done a speaking engagement there. And this woman came up to me afterwards and she said, you know, I'd love for you to be on my podcast. So I did that, and she got me talking about my past and the religious cults and and and all of the ways in which that had led me to where I am today and the work that I do for myself and for others. And after taping that podcast, she said to me, you have to take it. You have to write a book.
Lane Gardner [00:37:00]:
You have to tell your story. I'm not taking no for an answer. I'm connecting you with my publisher. And my initial response was no fucking way. I am not doing this. Like, I need a break. And and and also, like, I don't wanna tell that story. I'm ashamed of that story.
Lane Gardner [00:37:19]:
Right? And it just goes to show that the next right thing, to your point, will show up when it's time. Right? And here I was thinking, I'm not I can't do this. I don't wanna do I don't want to. So my husband said to me I was like, I can't do this. I'm not doing this. And he's like, well, hold on a second. Like, maybe we should think about this. And I just feel like life showed up on my front door and said, I think this is where we're going.
Lane Gardner [00:37:47]:
And I had to say yes. And I'm so glad that I did because it was such a cathartic and healing process for me to tell my story. And I've been in therapy for many, many years. It wasn't like I was digging up, but I was processing it in a new way and sharing sharing it in a way that I know people can relate with even if they weren't raised to Nicole. They can relate to the pieces and parts and the journey and the turning points and the discoveries that I had to make over the course of my life. And so the book is really about that. It's, it's about, you know, it's about my journey, from, you know, this this this really traumatic upbringing to sort of coming to terms with the fact that, you know, my greatest wounds, are actually my greatest source of wisdom now, and and they can be for all of us. Right? We all have these wounds.
Lane Gardner [00:38:43]:
And and there's a way that we can utilize those to become our greatest source of power, to help us become the most brilliant version of ourselves. And that's one of the taglines that I always use is who knew you were so brilliant? You are. Right? And so that's really what the book is about is sort of, you know, sharing my story, in a way that what was both helpful to me and I believe is also helpful for readers. In in addition to that, at the end of each chapter, there's a series of tools, and I call them canvases. And it's these playful, frolicky, fun, creative things, everything from, you know, scribbling and drawing to shaking your beauty booty in the kitchen to, you know, it's the it to to to walking down the street, you know, humming, different ways in which we can not feel that creativity is intimidating. Like, a lot of us, you know, say, like, I'm not an artist. I can't be creative. And I make a case in the book for the fact that each of us has an innate toolbox That is our perfect toolbox to help ourselves, and that's our creative expression.
Lane Gardner [00:39:50]:
And we can express ourselves physically, emotionally, visually, sonically. Right? There's a million different ways we can do that, and that helps us to uncover more of who we are and and more of our brilliance. And it becomes a guide over the course of our lives. Right? That innate voice that is ours. And that's really the essence of the book, and I'm so glad that I didn't run away even though I wanted to. It's been a very, very beautiful process for me. And and even now that I sort of had to realize that I couldn't work to the point where I was killing myself, I now feel like that was even a part of my creative process. Right? Learning how to give myself permission to stop once in a while too.
Mahara Wayman [00:40:41]:
So so good. And I love that you you shared that about creative expression. You know? Brendon Burchard talks about the 10 human drives, and one of them is is our need for creative expression. And it's so interesting because I too well, it's been a long, long time since I thought this way, but I remember thinking that you were only creative if you were, a singer, a dancer, a painter, a writer. You know? That that was it. And it really wasn't until I explored all of those, because I am very creative, that I realized that our creative expression comes out in every aspect of our life if we allow it. And it is such an important component of showing the world not only who you are, but that you matter. Right? We matter enough for for us to dress the way that we want to.
Mahara Wayman [00:41:32]:
Right? We matter enough to paint the room the color that that fills your cup or to have the the the tree of life symbol. Right? Great gift Christmas gift from my husband. All of these are creative ways of showing just who who I am. So thank you for for sharing that, and I think creative expression is brilliant. What did you learn about yourself writing this book?
Lane Gardner [00:41:56]:
I learned that hiding my past was holding me back. That was one thing that I that I learned. I learned that even though I was embarrassed and ashamed of how I was raised and how I was brought up, that I could own that story in a way that not only was transformative for me, but could be transformative for other people, that I was actually withholding something that could help other people as well. And so that was one of the big things that came out of it for me, you know, which is crazy to me when I think about it. I've spent thirty years helping people tell their story, and I did not wanna tell that part of my story. Right? It's one of those duh moments. Right? You know? So, so that was one part. I think another part that I, that came from writing the book for me personally is that and it's actually something that you were just talking about, which is, you know, creative expression is anything that you put your essence into.
Lane Gardner [00:43:01]:
Right? Like, yeah, I am a train am I I have a background. I'm a trained singer. I'm a trained I used to be a professional actor. Right? I have all these skills, and that's I went into that to survive. Right? But I also have a gift for music and art and that sort of thing. And so, you know, I I've always pursued that. But I think for me, writing the book and breaking it down in these very, very minute ways and breaking it down. And I wrote it as a way to that people could take it home and read it in the privacy of their own home and try these things behind closed doors so they didn't feel like they had to, like, be vulnerable in front of anybody.
Lane Gardner [00:43:39]:
Right? Because sometimes we feel that way if we're if we're expressing ourselves in front of other people. And I think that was one of the things that came out for me was that I was trying to expand my own my own definition of creativity knowing that not everybody was gonna get down with singing or get down with painting. Right? And so I really was able to boil it down in in in my mind and then also in a way that I can offer to other people that creative expression is you putting your essence into something and expressing something in only the way that you can. The way that you plate that food on your dinner plate is is your essence. Right? The way in which you plant flowers in your garden and the way you arrange them or whatever. That's your essence. Right? And so it's like I think that giving ourselves permission to see much more expanded view of creativity as not just being artistic, but it actually is our essence that we require in order to feel vibrant and alive. And I think the book helped me to see it as a in a much more universal way than I ever had before as an artist myself, and that was a real moment.
Mahara Wayman [00:44:53]:
That's a great moment. I I I truly believe now that it's part of it's part of the human experience is to develop our creativity, and it's easier than we think. Right? It's it's easier than we think to just be ourselves on one hand. On the other hand, you know, that's why I have the show called the art of badassery because sometimes we need a little help along the way. So thank you for for sharing that little bit about your book. Folks, check the show notes because, of course, the link is it available on Amazon?
Lane Gardner [00:45:26]:
Yep. It's on Amazon, and it's also on BarnesandNoble.com. Mhmm. Fantastic.
Mahara Wayman [00:45:30]:
TED talk. Your TEDx talk. That's a first of all, how did it come about, and what was it all about?
Lane Gardner [00:45:38]:
So it came about, believe it or not, actually, it was, we were just coming out of COVID. It was the fall of twenty twenty one, and it was, you know, everybody was kinda just like, hey. Could can we, like, be in person and do things like this anymore? You know? Like, it was one of those sort of moments. And, it was a friend of a friend who was, you know, a part of the part of the creative team for, TEDx, and and and I just was in this space where I was coming out of COVID. I had just lost my mother who died during COVID. And I was, like, kind of asking in a way, like, of the universe. Like, how can I express what is going on here and what other people might be feeling as we come out of COVID? Right? And I don't even think we knew at that moment what had happened to us. Right? Like, we're still so fresh.
Lane Gardner [00:46:40]:
And so the the TEDx talk that I created was really about talking about using our innate creative expression as a lifeline. And interestingly enough, that's where I ended up getting the title for the book was from that TED talk because I I felt in our world and in our communities of people that we really needed some lifelines in that moment of, you know, we're still kind of not able to move freely. What can we use? What do we have within us that can help us right now? And I just thought I was perfectly poised in that moment given the work that I had been doing for so many years to share that, which is that by learning to go within and utilize our own innate toolbox of creative expression, it could be a lifeline for us in that moment where we could, help ourselves and help each other. And I had also spoken about in the in the, the TED talk, I'd had an experience a couple years earlier where I realized that creativity could also be used in an urgent situation. And I had gotten a call to go down to Parkland, Florida, in Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shortly after the horrific mass shooting at their school. And, you know, sadly, that's not a singular experience, and it's devastating that we continue to go through this. But this one moment, I was called down to be a part of a a healing through the arts initiative in the few months after that mass shooting. And part of the work that I do is help communities create original music, original songs that's based on our individual experiences and our collective experiences.
Lane Gardner [00:48:25]:
And that's why the my nonprofit is called Thread. Because if we pull out the threads of our individual experiences and we weave them together into these beautiful, powerful expressions of art, we're turning trauma into beautiful art that can help each other. Right? So I did this project with these incredible young people in Parkland, and I only was with them for four days and the transformation that they experienced and went through. And by the way, we were reporting and writing a song in one of the classrooms at the school. You wanna talk about powerful reclaiming of your space after a traumatic experience. And I watched these kids go from completely shell shocked at the beginning of the project to just, like, fountains of joy and expression because they had transformed something that was so frozen within them. Right? Trauma makes you freeze in a lot of there's, you know, there's, you know, fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. Right? These are the the forms of trauma that we all live in, and these kids were frozen in this moment, and they just became unfrozen through the process of expressing themselves through lyrics, through drumming, through singing, through making, you know, music and recording it.
Lane Gardner [00:49:44]:
And, I saw in that moment that in a crisis, we could use these tools to help us both as individuals and communities. And so in the TED talk, I also brought that story to the table, and and and part of the song is in that TED talk that we recorded with those extraordinary kids down there. And I wanted to showcase how powerful an experience of individual and collective creativity could be in a moment of crisis. And and that's where we were coming out of COVID at that moment when when I did the TED talk. And, and then, of course, it led to sort of putting the book together, you know, knowing that creative expression can be a lifeline for us when we need it.
Mahara Wayman [00:50:29]:
Thank you for for giving us a bit of a background on that and for touching on this understanding that, you know, humans are communal. We just, we wanna belong. And it's one of the reasons why I think we fight so hard to feel like we belong is because we have this understanding that we are better together. The challenge is that sometimes we get caught up and belong to groups that actually don't serve that in the long run. So it's nobody said being human was easy because if they didn't
Lane Gardner [00:51:07]:
It's not easy, but it's also the only game in town. What else are you gonna do?
Mahara Wayman [00:51:14]:
All joking aside, we're worth it. Like, we're worth the effort. Right? We're worth it. You're so Oh my goodness. Okay. The book, the TEDx. What else is on your agenda?
Lane Gardner [00:51:28]:
Well, one of the things that I wanted to just and this is something new I'm trying. So I appreciate you letting me, speak about this and put this out there to your audience. I do have this nonprofit thread that we run community programs in, but I wanted to create something that was more of a grassroots experience. And I'm starting, these creative weekend retreats, and they're based on the book. They're based on the 12 chapters and the 12 components of the book. And, I did my first one a a couple of months ago in Philadelphia, and it was a small group of women, just about six of us. And what I realized from doing the this weekend retreat was that I wanted to to bring this to small communities around the world or around The United States. And and that was led by individuals who were like, hey.
Lane Gardner [00:52:23]:
I have a group of friends, and I think we could really enjoy and grow and learn and heal from this experience. So I want to grow this sort of underground grassroots creative, retreat sort of like community where we can gather our small group of people together in our homes, in our backyards, in our churches, in our community center, and start to discover what it feels like to utilize what we have inside of us, both for ourselves and in community together. And so I just wanna throw it out there. I'm starting to sort of get my shit together a little bit about putting it out there and advertising it. You know? I did take a little bit time off this summer as I told you so. But I would love to you know, if any of your listeners are are resonating with what I'm saying, I'd love to just say, email me. Go to my website, langarner.com. You can email me through there and say, I'd like to know more about this retreat.
Lane Gardner [00:53:22]:
And, basically, I come to you and your community. We spend the weekend together doing badass awesome drumming, movement, music. You name it. Right? We'll do it all. And and and I witnessed in the first couple of times that I did this retreat, I just witnessed, like, the the honey of healing and community pouring out of the women that I was working with. And I'm saying women, but I it's certainly not only women. Right? But I it just so happens to be that that's that's who I was working with initially. So if anyone's resonating and you wanna find out more about, like, wow, what is this little underground movement that she's starting? Could we get involved? Yes.
Lane Gardner [00:54:07]:
Let's do it together. I would love that.
Mahara Wayman [00:54:10]:
So, so good and juicy. And all I could picture was, well, I had this vision of the world of how the the world works, which is all of our answers are here. We just haven't necessarily plugged into the right socket to see it, or we have it quite elevated to the right energy wavelength to to connect with it. But when I when I pictured what you were saying, I could just see the sockets. Everything's connecting. And when these connect, then they connect to the out there. And there's this very, what's the word I'm looking for? What is the word I'm looking for? Magical doesn't seem quite strong enough because it's more than magic. It it and I don't wanna sound like a woo woo goofball, but what I'm picturing is it is it is.
Mahara Wayman [00:55:04]:
Like, that's the thing. That's the connection that we're all looking for. That's the insight, the energy, the badassery, the acceptance that we are exactly where we're meant to be. We are whole, beautiful, loving beings that are here for a reason, not just to feel like shit day day to day and push through the tough times. Being human is more than just pushing through the tough times, peeps. There's such there is a universe available for us to experience using our creative expression, using our words, using our emotions, using our tears sometimes even to get there. It's okay to do that. Lane, good girl.
Mahara Wayman [00:55:48]:
This has been a great conversation.
Lane Gardner [00:55:51]:
I have had the best time talking with you. Thank you so much. What a joy. You are a joy.
Mahara Wayman [00:55:56]:
My absolute pleasure. So everyone, you know, check out the show notes, and please share this conversation with anyone that you feel needs it or would benefit from it. We'd love to hear from you. So drop us a review. Drop us some questions. My name is Mahara. This has been the Art of Badassery with my very dear friend now. She doesn't know that, but I'm now considering her my friend, Jane Gardner.
Mahara Wayman [00:56:19]:
Check out the notes for access to her book and, of course, her TED talk. We'll see you next week on the art of badassery. Thanks again. Thanks for tuning in to another badass episode. Your support means the world to me. So if you enjoyed what you heard today, don't forget to like, share, and rate the episode on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback keeps the badassery flowing. And, hey, if you're ready to unleash your inner badass and conquer whatever life throws your way, Why not book a complimentary badass breakthrough session? Just click the link in the show notes to schedule your session, and let's kick some serious butt together.
Mahara Wayman [00:56:58]:
Until next time, stay fearless, stay fabulous, and of course, stay badass. This is Mahara signing off.
