Mahara Wayman [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the art of badassery where I explore what it takes to live life on your own terms. Break free from the status quo and unleash your inner badass. Whether you're a rebel at heart or simply seeking inspiration to step outside your comfort zone, this podcast is for you. I'm your host, Mahara Wayman. And each week I dive into the stories, insights and strategies of those who've mastered the art of badassery and are living life to the fullest. They smile when no one is lucky. Welcome to the Art of Badassery podcast. I'm your host, Mahara Wayman, and our guest today is the incredible Amber Howard.
Mahara Wayman [00:00:49]:
She's a globally recognized business leader, best selling author and executive coach. Her expertise in leadership and personal resilience have made her a sought after expert, But her story is equally inspiring. From New Zealand to Canada at age 10 and later relocating to Bali in 2022, Her journey is quite remarkable. She's not just about business though, as you will find out today. She loves to cook, go on scooter adventures, spend quality time with loved ones, read, and enjoy the soothing presence of water in all its forms. Join us as Amber shares her wisdom and her experiences as we dance in conversation, her words, not mine. I just love that, and talk about all things badass. It's so lovely to have you on the show, Amber.
Mahara Wayman [00:01:39]:
Welcome.
Amber Howard [00:01:40]:
Oh, it's so great to be here. I am you know, From the moment I met you, Mahara, I had this, like, you know my mom would call it being a kindred spirit, from for those of you who know of Anne of Green Gables, but, you know, there's just this, experience of being with you. It's like coming home. So so grateful for this opportunity to connect again and and talk about being an app, about being a badass because I love that. You know? I love everything that and and discovering newly in this conversation what being a badass is. I'm looking forward to it.
Mahara Wayman [00:02:09]:
Well, thank you so much. And, folks, in case you hadn't realized, Amber had me on her podcast, only a week ago, I think later. And that's when we really discovered this great connection. And what I think is so interesting is I believe that there is a misconception that when you are a badass, life is beautiful. Right? Like, as long as you like, you've done all the hard work, and now you can handle anything. But I think it's important to recognize that life is still life filled with ups and downs and challenges. And just because you're badass doesn't mean you don't have a shitty day sometimes. Mhmm.
Mahara Wayman [00:02:44]:
Many days in a row, but I think it can help us to navigate those challenges a little bit better. Would you agree or disagree?
Amber Howard [00:02:52]:
A 100% agree. I think and I'm I'm even in this, like, inquiry for myself because I think inquiry is the birthplace of creation. Right? And so it's like and one of my mentors once said, the quality of your life is given by the quality of the questions you ask. And I think most human beings ask, And I can swear on your podcast. We don't swear on mine, so this is great. Most human beings ask shitty questions. Like, why did that happen to me or what's wrong with me or you know, versus, Like, questions that really, like you know, what is it that I really want? What am I committed to? What, you know, what are my gifts? What are my lacks? You know, like, There are questions that we can ask, and it's not even really about finding the answer because I think answers are boring. Because once we get to an answer, it's Okay.
Amber Howard [00:03:34]:
Great. What what next? Right? But it's like the growth is in the the inquiry and the questioning. And so my my inquiry these days is, like, What is it this thing that we call a good life? Like, we're we're taught from a very young age that we're supposed to have this thing called the good life or life is supposed to be good or we're supposed to be happy and Successful and, like, that's somewhere to arrive at. And life is just life. Like, I was talking to one of my clients this morning. A coaching call with him, and he's like, oh, you know, I'm just gonna like, I'm I'm busting through something or I'm I'm like, you know, like, until I get past this, I'm like, This is life. Whatever you're dealing with right now is life. There is no, like, after.
Amber Howard [00:04:16]:
It's like this conversation today, you know, the events that brought me back to Toronto earlier than I expected, the death of one of my really good friends. Like, The phone's gonna ring, and sometimes it's great news and it's joyful. And other times, it's like something that you weren't expecting or something that you didn't want to want. So, You know, I think it's, like, your capacity to just be with life as it's happening and learn what there is to learn from the the the waves the pain in the waves of pleasure. And, like, I think that's being a badass because then you're just like you're being with life. And and also getting that you're the creator of all of it in that, like, I am constantly creating how I respond or react or, you know, deal with life as it's unfolding in front of me.
Mahara Wayman [00:05:01]:
I think that's the hardest thing for most of us to wrap our head around because then we have to take ownership, and we can then we have to stop blaming. And we have been raised in a culture of blaming. Oh, it's your fault I'm not it's your fault I didn't get the job. You're an ass that's why our relationship isn't working. You know, it's it's somebody else's because it's very painful to to honor and accept that we may have a part in it. I think it's so tragic though that in this it's, what, 2023, And we are still asking ourselves what constitutes a good life. Like, why are we I'm I'm 58 in a few weeks, And I am only just beginning to admit what I want out of life, and I think that's tragic. Little children, they're very clear on what they want.
Mahara Wayman [00:05:50]:
You know, I want the ice cream. I want the scooter. I want kissy kisses. I wanna sit on your lap. They're very much in the present. And we, as a society, for the most part, teach them out of that, which I think is which I think is tragic. But
Amber Howard [00:06:04]:
No. We don't even teach it out of them. We go as far as to make it wrong. Right? Like, it's, like, wrong to desire. It's wrong to it's selfish. This is part of what I'm out to interrupt This you know, like, in disrupting my work is, like, this notion that living a creative life based on what you authentically want is in some way selfish. And I'm like, no. It's like When if you're not living the life based on like, your life based on what you authentically want, whose life are you living? Like, You're you're somehow not the star in your life.
Amber Howard [00:06:35]:
You're some b actor, you know, or stand in or, you know, like, someone who's just showing up on set to get the free sandwiches.
Mahara Wayman [00:06:43]:
I laugh it because I've been that person.
Amber Howard [00:06:48]:
Be that in other people's lives. Right? Be that in support of and helping them shine in their life, but in your life, if it's not based on your desire, you know, and, Like, why why are you getting out of bed in the morning?
Mahara Wayman [00:07:02]:
So I'm curious. When did This realization hit you. Were you a teenager when you were introduced this to this idea? Did it happen a little bit later on in your life?
Amber Howard [00:07:13]:
It's interesting because I, you know, I I don't know that I've ever been asked that question or, like, thought. I think it was in evolving. You know, I remember once, I've always been what I consider a philosopher at heart. I didn't discover philosophy formally until I did my undergraduate degree in my twenties, As a young mom, and I, like, found this thing called philosophy, and I was like, oh my god. I'd, like, come home. Like, I love this so much. Like, this is exactly who I am in my, you know, my soul. But I remember when I was, like, I was hanging out of bar 1 night.
Amber Howard [00:07:44]:
It was, like, late at night after work, and I playing one of those little games that they have in the bar, and I was just having a pint of beer. And one of the servers who's a friend of mine came up to me, and I guess, you know, it was quiet. It was, like, pretty late at night. I just I'm really curious. Like, I hear you talk all the time with our friends and, you know, you share your ideas and stuff, and I've never read your ideas in a book. And, like, so I where where do your thoughts and ideas come from? And I was like, oh, I guess I just pick up a little bit. Like and I've always been that It's like listening and and, oh, I like that. And, no, that's not quite for me and, like, forming my own views of the world based on Exposure to the people around me, which is why I think in the work that you and I do, Maher, it's so important to acknowledge we are giants standing on top of the shoulders of giants.
Amber Howard [00:08:28]:
Like, nothing that comes out of my mouth is, like, truly a unique unique idea that's never been thought before. Like, lots of people have had my ideas or the ideas that I build upon. Now how I express them in my voice and the and the the synergies and the connections that I make and the way I can apply those thoughts to the living of other people's lives, that's mine. That's my unique creation. But I I think I was someone up until, like, from the age of about 10 or 11, I knew I wanted to be a lawyer. I was like, I was gonna be a lawyer. It was like, that is what all I wanted in life was and it wasn't even really about being a lawyer. I wanted to get justice for people because I come from a family of a lot of childhood trauma and a lot of pain and suffering.
Amber Howard [00:09:09]:
And so for me, this idea of getting justice for people was really, you know, Important, and that drove me for a long time. But then at the age of 16, when I got pregnant with Matthew and dropped out of high school, it was like my life took this, like, Severe turn in a different direction. And I think those experiences along with, like, putting myself through university, getting my degree, like, getting Back on track, but not even back on track because I end up choosing not to go the root of law. But all of that kind of Build it built over time to, like, oh, no. This is, like, this is my life. You know? And and if I'm not creating it and and wanting to be someone who like, I think the biggest tragedy, like, you pointed to it for human beings Is it most people die without ever ask asking themselves what do they want?
Mahara Wayman [00:10:00]:
To be able to to answer who am I? You know, even even quite recently, somebody I was networking, and they said, oh, nice to meet you, Mahara. What do you do? And I was very happy to say, oh, I'm a I'm an author and a a motivational speaker, and I host a podcast. And I then I caught myself, and I'm thinking, oh my god. I'm falling into that same trap. Why don't I just tell her the truth? Hey. I'm just a middle aged woman learning trying to figure herself out, and I'm just so pleased to meet you. Can you imagine if somebody said that? It would be amazing. So, anyway, I got a little bit sidetracked there.
Amber Howard [00:10:36]:
But No. No. But I well, I think it's I think it's the same conversation and that, like but but who you are is also not fixed. Right? Because I and I know from our conversation on on my show, You know, you've gone through some profound evolutions of and and discovering newly who you are at different points. You know, I was on a call this morning, part of a community that I belong to, and and they read, a passage and everyone was and it was all about commitment and how you should live your life and or, you know, like, not doing things half ass or not, you know, like, fully committed to your life. And And I remember saying, like I said on the call, what I got from it was just a reminder. Like, I used to be someone who was so planned. Like, I'm a project manager.
Amber Howard [00:11:19]:
You know, I've Worked in business for years. I help people strategy. I help people figure out how to grow their businesses. Like and, yeah, planning is super important, but I used to be so Attached to the plan that I didn't allow for my own growth. Like, I am not the same human being that stepped off a plane in Canada 2 weeks ago. I'm definitely not the same human being who created a vision board at the beginning of 2023 and said these are the things I was gonna accomplish this year, Many of which I have and some of which I still will and some of which I won't because I'm just not gonna I'm not gonna try and force things or I've changed, and the things I want are not the same things I wanted on January 2020 you know, January 1st at the beginning of the year. But I so it's like Having that freedom, living a creative life isn't just about tangible results and where do I live and what car do I drive and how much money do I make. It's like having like, Being able to keep ongoingly discovering myself and who I am and who I want to be and who what I'm committed to and how do those commitments shape my life.
Amber Howard [00:12:24]:
You know, I have a a my coach said to me once because I don't believe that we ever actually transform anything. Because I think we just keep pushing back and discovering the edges of our authentic self. Back to what you said about kids. Right. They come out. There there is a there is an eye that they are. There is an authentic self that children are that gets eroded and and shifted and and conformed to the adults in the society and the culture that they live in. I think so much of adulthood is just, you know, returning to This self that we were born as and and discovering, you know, and wouldn't it be great if kids didn't have to Go through all of that to then return to this authentic self that they started with.
Amber Howard [00:13:08]:
Because, man, if we could all be as free and powerful as children under the age of Right? Like, their capacity to get what they want is amazing. Instantaneous. Right? Like
Mahara Wayman [00:13:18]:
I like that comment that you shared what your coach has said because as you were saying, and I'm very visual, but I had a vision of life is life, and it's our perception of it that changes. Mhmm. Right. It's not it's not the thing. The thing is the thing. And I also wanna I also wanna highlight what you said about there's an outside stuff, car, the job, the title, the clothes, the whatever, the trips. But there's a development of the inside. And really, that is the human journey, is to go back in and find out why am I here, what makes me tick, how can I make the world better? And I do think that is a a huge component to being a badass is recognizing that you have the power to make a difference even if it's with 1 person.
Mahara Wayman [00:14:01]:
You know, when you show kindness to 1 person, It's got a ripple effect. And those of us that are in the world, the business that we're in, we have perhaps a much bigger vision to make a difference on a larger scale. So what are some of the things that you've noticed about yourself most recently? You talked about being younger, going through university, having your son quite young. But what have you noticed about yourself recently in the last few years that You're like, wow. I had no idea that that was inside Amber.
Amber Howard [00:14:32]:
It is going to sound, you know, silly almost, but
Mahara Wayman [00:14:37]:
I I
Amber Howard [00:14:37]:
think the biggest thing I've discovered over the last couple of years is my capacity to love myself. You know, I've always been someone who had a huge You know, I think one of my gifts, and I think anyone who really knows me would attest to this, is I have this enormous capacity to love human beings, You know, and and so much space and grace for humanity. And, you know, I mean, we do lots of things at work. We do lots of things that don't work, And we cause unimaginable. I I I kind of envision human beings like bumper cars. You know? We just keep bouncing off each other with our trauma and our past and all of our stuff. And and so much of it is unconscious and so much of it most of it, I would argue, is unintentional. That doesn't mean there's an impact.
Amber Howard [00:15:20]:
We don't have to deal with the impact of that bumping off each other. But I've always, like, I've always been someone who could be with the best, Like, in other people and and love them where they were at. And, but I didn't have that for myself for the longest time. It was like that was not available to me. And, you know, really, in 2016, I started my own journey of what I call personal development, Which is like the application of philosophical principles to the living of life. It's like so all of these great spiritual belief systems, philosophical belief systems that provide so much wisdom, but, like, how do I actually engage with that in a day to day? How do I bring that into my life, and what are the tools and practices that I can take on in in various different ways to kind of keep creating doing that inner work. And then To your point, the all of the inner work I do shows up on the outside of my life. Right? So I that journey started in in 2016 when I participated in a course called the Landmark Forum.
Amber Howard [00:16:21]:
And I went in because I hit there were 2 things I wanted to work on because I had it like I'd done so much work on myself. This is the funny the the stuff that's in our blind spots and hidden from our view. Right? I'd I'd I've gone to therapy. I've done a lot of work. I like, all this stuff. And it was 2 things that I wanted to that I couldn't just no matter how strong I knew myself to be Or how powerful. 1 was dancing in front of other people, and the other one was taking pictures of myself We're having pictures taken of me. And, like, 2015, my kids and I took a trip home to New Zealand.
Amber Howard [00:16:53]:
We were there for five and a half weeks, Promise myself that, you know, I was always behind the camera. You know? And I promised myself that I would take pictures with the kids on that trip, and there are no pictures of my father and I, Like, with my kids. And, you know, who knows whether we'll ever be together in person again? And this friend of mine invited me to come find out about the forum and and, you know, she'd been involved with taking training from them for quite some time. And and, and so I went And, I went to this special evening, like, which was just information about the course. And and the course leader drew this circle on the board, And he said, you know, imagine that all of the, like, knowledge that exists in the universe is inside this circle. How much do you think you know? And people were like, oh, a dot. He's like, I'll be generous. Like, he drives this little pie, and he's like, that's everything that you know, and you know that you know it.
Amber Howard [00:17:45]:
Like, your name and how to drive a car and, you know, whatever, basic math or you know? Because but there's other there's other part of the pie. Right? And this is all of the stuff that you know that you don't know. Like, I know I don't know how to fly a plane, and I don't know quantum physics. Right? But I know that I don't know it. And the minute he didn't even have to draw what the rest of the circle was, Mahara. The minute I saw the rest of the circle, I was like, oh, fuck. Because that's all the stuff that we don't know that we don't know. And and and I was like, what if? Because I always had it, like, if I worked hard enough like, I'm a hard Right? My whole life, I've been a hard worker.
Amber Howard [00:18:18]:
So I was like, if I work hard enough, I'll figure it out. But then I was like, well, what if The the reason I won't take pictures and the reason I don't dance even though I want to is in that part of the circle, and it's what I don't know that I don't know. So you got no access to it. Right? This is why the start of any of this work is awareness. And you wanna hold people accountable for their behavior when they have no awareness. Good luck with that because you can see it in them, but they can't see it in themselves. And until you see it, there's nothing you can you just don't there's no access To do anything about something that you can't see. Right? So I'm the minute like, I was like, okay.
Amber Howard [00:18:56]:
Can we go sign up now? Like, the minute I got that, I was like, okay. You know what? I gotta do this thing because I I need to know. Like, I'm I'm I'm hooked on phonics about knowing. Right? I've transformed some of that, but I like a planner. I like control. I wanna know. So I was like, I gotta know what's in the rest that circle. And I did the forum, and by Saturday morning it's a weekend course.
Amber Howard [00:19:15]:
But by Saturday morning, I was literally sitting in my chair sobbing Because what I discovered about myself is no matter how much work I had done, underneath it all was still a woman who, Like, every single person on the planet could have told me that they love me, and I would have made liars out of all of them. And and that was who was making decisions in life, and that's who was running the show, and that was who was raising my kids, and that was who was looking for more and more evidence to prove me right about my lack of worthiness and that I couldn't have what I wanted. Right? So, you know, that was a defining moment, and that was the start. And it took years. And, you know, this is after this is, what, 2023? So that was like I did the forum in 2016 Around this time, you know, 7 years later, I fell in love with my body this year. You know? That didn't it didn't you know? Like, There's a there was layers to it, and there continues to be layers. But the beautiful thing about it is the more I'm able to love myself, the greater capacity I have to love other people. And the more I'm able to be with myself, the less need I have to kinda fix anyone else or, you know, I other people around me have way more space to breathe now.
Mahara Wayman [00:20:21]:
Wow. What a story. Thank you for sharing, and I can really relate to that. It's gobsmacking. I love that word from my childhood. Gobsmacking that we so smart and so intuitive and so aligned and so open and yet so close at the same time. But that is what makes us human. And what I want our listeners to really understand is There is joy in the work that we do, in the work that we do as human beings.
Mahara Wayman [00:20:50]:
Even when it's uncomfortable, we can allow it to be joyful. So it there is There is such a lightness when we can be vulnerable, I guess, is what I'm saying. I'll share something that happened to me just recently. I was at a gala event on the weekend, And I was all excited. It was a a business award gala in my city. And I went to my my friend's boutique store. She I bought some great clothes that, you know, fit looked really nice. I was excited about everything.
Mahara Wayman [00:21:18]:
I wore this beautiful rhinestone necklace that my mother had bought me, got all dolled up. And then when I saw pictures of myself, I went, first of all, who is that person? Because I'm I I look a lot different than what I would like to, and I had to really I had to Had to consciously take a breath and recognize, right, that's who I am today. That's grown up Mahara. That's 58 year old, almost 58 year old, Mahara. That's not the 30 year old, you know, £60 ago, Mahara, and it's okay. But I had to it was I had I had to consciously work at it. It was tough. It was tough.
Mahara Wayman [00:21:59]:
And I actually haven't posted any of those pictures. So I still struggle with this idea of I have to look a certain way to be taken to be to be worthy. Such I mean, it's just use like, it's just so unfortunate. It's so unfortunate, and I know that so many men and women can appreciate what we're talking about right now is the pressure to be, quote, fit at your healthy goal weight, you know, wearing the right clothes or wear or having the right look. With social media, the way that it is today, it's so hard. It can be so hard to escape that or to have a really powerful presence around it and a really powerful and loving relationship with it.
Amber Howard [00:22:45]:
Yeah. And our eyes are broken. Like like, seriously, though, this is how powerful our minds are. You know, our eyes will project and see. So if you expect to see that you don't look good, like, if you, like and I've actually experienced this in my lifetime. Like, You know, if you expect to see that you don't look good in a photo, you're not going to. News flash, anyone listening to this, you will never your subconscious beliefs. Just you're not going to because your subconscious mind is the mechanism that's controlling your body.
Amber Howard [00:23:21]:
It controls what you see. So if you expect you know, if you go into a situation and you expect things not to go well, It's not gonna go well. Right? You get what you focus on. You get what you expect. And and and we don't, You know, I remember once having this conversation, it wasn't in any way to demean the other woman. Like, I was at this event, and I was with my partner. This is going back, you know, decades now. We were at this, like, Like, fair or something, and we were sitting there listening to some live music.
Amber Howard [00:23:51]:
And and, you know, I've always had a lot of dysmorphia. Even when I was, like before I had my kids and I was thin as a teenager, I don't have an embodied experience of being thin. Like, just my whole life, it's been like that. You know? And I I remember saying to my partner, Patrick, at the time, you know, am I about the same size as that a woman, and he goes, no. You're actually more like her. And the woman I looked at was, like, half the size of what I thought. So it's like, Your mind is an extraordinarily powerful tool for good or and I don't like the good, bad, or good, evil. You know? But it shows you.
Amber Howard [00:24:27]:
Our minds show us what it is that we expect to see. You know, this is why. Like, when I take a selfie of myself, I look freaking great because I expect to look great in a selfie. Right? Like, I've conditioned. There was a time when no matter what picture I took, I didn't look good, and I didn't like it. And and there are some angles I look terrible. You know, I've recently discovered, like, if I had a couple pictures taken of me recently, I was like, oh, wow. Like, I, you know, because one of the things my mind used to do, Mahara, was, like, when I would look at pictures of other people, I'd be like, well, it must be me.
Amber Howard [00:25:00]:
And that picture or that video must be the real me because when I look at Mahara in person and Mahara in a video, they look Or in a in a photo, they look the same. But when I look at myself in a picture, I don't look the same as what I see on the video. So you know? And that Picture that someone else took of me must be what I really look at. Well, maybe then maybe there's an angle, or maybe you were taking it a different, You know, maybe you expect to see that you look a certain way. This is like, This is the power of of our minds and its capacity to shape our world. And I bet I would love to see pictures of you because I bet you look stunning At that gala.
Mahara Wayman [00:25:43]:
I you know what? It's it's yeah. I'm working through it. But to your point, we can make ourselves crazy. Yes. And I I don't I use that term a bit tongue in cheek. I'm not trying you know, I'm I'm recognizing that there's a You know, I wanna be careful, but I can speak for myself. I have tied myself up in knots. Even as far back as Being in, you know, grade 8 and, mom, take me to bootlegger.
Mahara Wayman [00:26:10]:
I need to get a pair of flare pants. All the girls have them. I wanna look like all the girls. I'm the only black girl in the school. I wanna fit in. Please, mommy, please, Can you give me $20 to buy, you know, beautiful red flared pants from bootlegger? And how sad That even at that age, I was trying so hard to fit in. Now I had a great life. I had lots of friends.
Mahara Wayman [00:26:33]:
Got the red pants from bootlegger. You know, I've been very fortunate. I've been very blessed. But those demons still they were there all along. They and I didn't see them as demons until now I'm doing the work what I'm doing. So we're going to take a short break right now, but I'll be back with my guest within 60 seconds. Ladies, unlock your inner badass and transform your life with my monthly subscription Workshop. For just $47 a month, you'll have exclusive access to work closely with me, Mahara Wayman, as we dive deep into all things badass from personal development to conquering your goals.
Mahara Wayman [00:27:12]:
Imagine waking up every day with confidence, purpose, and a smile that radiates your new found strength. Take advantage of this badass opportunity and join us today at www.mindfulnesswithmahara .com and start your journey toward a happier, more confident you. Smile when no one is looking. You've earned it.
Amber Howard [00:27:35]:
Well, I think this is it, right, to to what you're pointing to. Our knee our, like, need, and I'm calling it a need to belong and connect As human beings, you know, this is, like, from the work of Brene Brown and so many other sociologists and, you know, like, it is a fundamental need. Gabor Mate talks about attachment, and, you know, we call attachment love. You know? But like that like, it from infancy as children, like, throughout our whole lives, we have this fundamental need as human beings to attach, to belong, to be loved, to love. And So much of our life is this experience of being disconnected, of of shame, of like and, you know, shame says that there are things about me that can't be known because if they were known, then I wouldn't be able to to be belong to belong. So, you know, that was me. Like, You know, throughout most of my life, like, you know, walking into a room, exuding confidence, most of the people in my life when they hear me talk about this now, they're shocked. They We're talking about being gobsmacked.
Amber Howard [00:28:37]:
They're like, what do you mean you? You were always surrounded by people. You always had all of they no one knew how lonely I was in my life because there were parts of myself that I could not let be seen. I could not be authentic about my experience of being human, which News of news flash. Also, everyone else feels the exact same way in their own lives. Right? Like, I am not special in that way. I'm not the only human being who does not feel worthy or thin enough or lovable enough or smart enough or whatever. Right? That is human. But it's like, We want so much to connect and belong.
Amber Howard [00:29:10]:
Well, what if we already always do belong? Like, what if just by virtue of being human, I already always belong everywhere, and I either take myself out of belonging because of my conversations from the past about who I am or who I have to be or who I can't be or whatever. Or there are certain communities I or groups that I choose not to want to belong in, because they're just not aligned with who I'm who I who I say I am and what I'm committed to, and so I actually don't wanna belong in those spaces. You know? But what if What if the truth of it, if there is such a thing as truth, but is that I already belong, and there's nothing I have to do or be other than, you know, Amber or, to belong.
Mahara Wayman [00:29:54]:
Those questions are what will propel us forward to a better space. This idea of giving ourselves permission. 2 things I heard that I wanna call out. You said, you know, I can choose to do choose to be part of a group. We always have a choice. Most of us are making a choice simply by not by not questioning. Right? There's a choice of action or even inaction is in in itself a choice. But going back to this idea of asking ourselves questions, at the very beginning, you said, you know, we'll say things like, you know, who am I, and what do I like? What do I, you know, what do I want? I've often said to clients, even if you can just Ask the opposite of that question.
Mahara Wayman [00:30:36]:
It's a whole different it's a whole different ballgame. What am I not? What don't I want in life? What don't I like? Most people are a if they can't say what they want, most people are able to say what they don't want, then that's a great starting point. So for those of you listen If you are willing to have a a courageous conversation with yourself, go for it. And it can be as simple as what do I want from the world today, or what do I want to bring to the world today, or what don't I want? Oh my god. I don't want to run into so and so at work because they're a pain in the ass. That's fine too. You know what you don't want.
Amber Howard [00:31:13]:
Well but just be be be yeah. The universe doesn't get to just on that one, though, universe doesn't have a sense of humor, and it doesn't get don't. So if you say I don't wanna run into that person at work, it's You're gonna run into that person at work. Right? Because it's like, don't think about a pink elephant. Your brain doesn't filter the don't. It just thinks about whatever and focuses on whatever you're talking or thinking about. So But I I I other than saying that, I 100% agree with you. I think we are not trained.
Amber Howard [00:31:41]:
Like, we are untrained to talk about what we want. And so for the most of us, like, asking that question, what do I what do I want? What would I love? What do I wanna experience? It's very challenging for us. We you know? So an entry into that conversation is, for sure, what don't I want? You know, what what is not what does not feel good, what is not aligned, what is not working in my life. Right? Because then you can start to Chip away at, and and I think the clarity comes from there. So I 100% agree that as a starting point for people who've never really Engaged in that conversation. It's very powerful.
Mahara Wayman [00:32:21]:
Thank you for calling that out. It's one of my biggest challenges is is recognizing that the universe doesn't really have a sense of humor. I have a great sense of humor, and I've had to rely on my sense of humor when certain things happen. I'm like, okay. Okay. I get it. What I'm learning though is If I don't see the opportunities or the lesson in front of me, the universe will go to great lengths to make sure I see it. Oh.
Amber Howard [00:32:50]:
And if you ignore it for long enough, eventually, it it just intervenes. Right? You know, like, you know, really sick, death of a loved one. Like, you know, like, if you're not listening, you you know, I I love it, and this is not mine. I love to give credit where credits do. This comes from my one of my old coaches and mentors, Danielle Amos, but she uses the analogy for this to help get it into people's head about the universe is always listening, about ordering pizza. Like, back in the day when you used to pick up a phone and call someone, not now when you use an app. Right? But back in the day, you used to pick up the phone and say, you know, I want a large pepperoni pizza, extra cheese, you know, thin crust, whatever. Right? We so you would you pick up the phone and you call the pizza company, and you order exactly what you want.
Amber Howard [00:33:34]:
You would not pick up the phone and be like, I want an extra large pizza with pepperoni and Cheese. Don't put it. I but I don't want anchovies, and I don't want green peppers, and I don't want pineapple. Because if you do that, they're not trained to hear the don't. So you're gonna get an extra large pizza with pepperonis and cheese and anchovies and pineapples and green peppers. Right? And the universe works like that, you know, for everyone listening to this conversation. It doesn't hear the don't. It just you just get what you focus on.
Mahara Wayman [00:34:03]:
That's a great analogy.
Amber Howard [00:34:04]:
Isn't it? I always appreciate that one from Danielle, and I share it and and, you know, as much as I can because I think it's very it's just clear. Right? You would never do that. You would never pick up the phone And tell the pizza people what you don't want on your pizza. But we do that every day in life, every day. So, oh
Mahara Wayman [00:34:24]:
my gosh. So my we could go in so many different directions with this. Can you think back? You know, I've got kids. You've got kids. Has your journey of growth shown itself in your children? Like, have they learned from you?
Amber Howard [00:34:42]:
Oh my. Yes. Absolutely. I mean, for 1 you know, even before even before I did any kind of philosophical personal development. I think I got it at a early age, and I wish I could tell you where I got it. But somewhere along the line, I discovered that my kids didn't you know, I created that my kids didn't belong to me. You know, not in the way that I think a lot of parents, like, have ownership over their children. It was like, no.
Amber Howard [00:35:04]:
These the I'm just borrowing them for a while. Like, my job is really to mentor them and And give them, you know, tools and help them create a life. So, you know, parenting from being, parenting from, like, I as As a project manager, also a little bit of that. Like, what's the work back plan? You know? Oh, I want my son my kids to have discernment. Well, who who do how do I need to be with them as young children so that they learn discernment and have that available to them when they're older. So I was kind of always a part of it, but especially when I started my personal development journey in In, 2016, they all participated in the forum and and got various different tools that have made a huge difference in their life. But, You know, the to distinguish the difference, like, that responsive like, personal responsibility piece that you were talking about, what my kids really got. So my 1st night of doing the forum, I drove home, and I I I just really got in the course that night, the Friday night, that I had been out in life collecting and creating evidence from my view that I was not like, that I was powerless and worthless And the impact that that had on my children.
Amber Howard [00:36:10]:
And I swear I sobbed from Toronto to Brampton driving home. Like, just sobbed, not with guilt. And that was a huge shift because in the past, it would have been guilt and shame, but it was just remorse. Like, wow. Like, I was at the source of You know, other people did what they did, but I attracted that to my life and my kids' lives. And I drove home, and I had a conversation with, you know, my eldest son, Matthew, and I said, you know, I just really wanna apologize. You know, I really discovered this tonight. And he goes, well, mom, you've apologized for this stuff before.
Amber Howard [00:36:40]:
You know, I said, yeah. But the difference is when I was apologizing it before, it was like I was apologizing that it happened to you in your life. The story that you went through those things versus, like, I'm taking responsibility for the fact that, like, I was at the source of. You know? And and that kind of ongoing inquiry and discovery, you know, my kids know there's always an open door if there's anything they need to come with to me about, And and realizing the impact of who I was and decisions I made on them, but also also getting that in their own journey as human beings, I can't You know, we one of the courses I took, we say you can't PD for someone else. Right? Like, I can be a source. I can be someone they can come to. But in terms of them, What am I trying to say? One of the impacts of not loving myself is that I have 3 children who deal within varying different degrees conversations around their own self worth. And that's just, like, part of the, you know, the generational curses and gifts we keep handing on right through families.
Amber Howard [00:37:39]:
I can be someone who supports them in that journey, but they have to fall in love with themselves. I can't do that for them. You know? And they're in varying different places on that journey of falling in love with themselves. What I can say is they're doing that in their twenties and not in their forties, right, or fifties. So, you know, super grateful that they have the tools that they do and that we've been on this journey, Especially, you know, for Kaylin, Matthew, and I, because I was 17 and 18 when I had them, and so we've kinda you know, a lot of ways, we grew up together.
Mahara Wayman [00:38:06]:
Yeah. It sounds like it. Hats off for you. Motherhood is the hardest job. It is really And I went into motherhood completely blinded by the the idea that that's all I wanted in life was to be a mom. Care about marriage. I just wanted to have these babies. And on another podcast, I'll talk about my past life regression and why I think that is the case, but suffice it to say, I have 2 beautiful girls that have struggled on various ways just like all just like all of us.
Mahara Wayman [00:38:41]:
But to your point, the hardest thing I think about being, a mom, especially an enlightened doing all of the work is going back and recognizing where we think we fell down or where I think I fell down. But I'm happy to say that one of the things I did with my kids, and I don't know why, I just thought it was cool at the time, was when I put them to bed, I always put them to bed saying, what would you like to dream about tonight? Your dreams matter and so do you. You're a child of the universe. And at from much of the time I said that it was just words. But as I got older, I'm like, I really felt it. And so we would have so much fun with, oh, can I come and meet you in your dream tonight in a great manner? And then, you know, my youngest would be like, mom, did you were you in my dream last night? Of course, I I, you know, I I don't even know what I said, but there was a lot of lightness and humor and love around it. But I'm so grateful that I did that one little thing because it has made, I think, a difference in their ability to recognize their worth today on on many levels. Not all of them by any stretch, about one of the studies psychology, and we have these amazing conversations.
Mahara Wayman [00:39:51]:
And both of my girls have pointed out things to me that I was amazed that they recognized and then a little I don't wanna say I was shamed because I'm not I'm trying not to live in that space, but I was like, Okay. Oh, I'm sorry about oh, oh, good conversation. Thank you. I apologize. Okay. I just wanted you to know. I'm like, but it's it's not easy always. Right?
Amber Howard [00:40:18]:
So I was No. It's not. I mean, I think looking ourselves in the mirror and and being honest and authentic and real with ourselves can be challenging at times. We look. Show me a human being today, any any age, who has not done things that don't work or made mistakes or failed or fallen fine on their face, hurt people. Oh my god. Arch even the best of us. Even, you know, if you're if you'd like to think of yourself as a good person, we all do things that hurt other people.
Amber Howard [00:40:44]:
And often, We walk through life completely oblivious to how powerful we are and how much impact we have on each other. We're just not We're not that self aware. Right? I was giggling when you're talking about it because I used to go on dream dates with my kids. We would you know, like, I'm like, where do you wanna when I put them to bed at night, they wanted to go on, you know, for me, you know, sometimes we'd go dancing on the rings of Pluto or, you know, but we were great. So I, I, I just love that. Look, I've done so many things in my life that haven't worked, and I've worked really hard to be a good person to kind of wake up one day and realize that I don't even know what that That is to be a good person. You know? I spent so much of my life trying to please others and be nice and, you know, stifle my own voice so that, you know, like I mean, there was this great a poem I read recently. I can't remember it, but, you know, it's like as women, especially, I think, you know, it's like, why are they too much or too little? Like, constantly trying to be just the right amount of whatever for the space that we're in so that we don't, you know, Take up too much air or space or whatever.
Amber Howard [00:41:48]:
Right? But the biggest gift that you can give your children at any age is that, you know, that modeling that, you know, we do the best we can with what we know. And when you know, this is something I've always believed. I taught my kids. We We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better. And and doing better doesn't necessarily look like, You know, every day, my best is different, and that's something I never used to have capacity for that I do now. Like, every day, my best is different.
Mahara Wayman [00:42:19]:
What a great callout. I think, going back to this idea of living a badass life, and I mentioned it at the beginning of this conversation was, I think there's a misunderstanding that, You know, badasses have to have a you know, we have a great life, and we do great things, and, you know, we change the world. And we may, but It doesn't have to be a huge gesture or a huge doesn't have to have this magnificent reach because It's magnificent to love yourself. It's magnificent to smile at your neighbor. It's it's amazing to be to hold space for someone when they're struggling.
Amber Howard [00:42:56]:
And I think that's something that's come up a couple times for me in this conversation is like, you know, it used to be someone who fit thought that life had to have some big grand purpose. And I do think purpose is like a hugely powerful access to continuing to create in life and looking from. But I now, like, Think. My purpose has changed so many times in my life, and, like, that is part of being a badass. That is part of being a, You know, living a creative life is like being someone who can like, is ongoing looking. It's like, what do I want to create now from this place in my life. Like, I'm almost 58, and my kids are grown up. And I, you know, I now have opportunities that maybe I didn't See before.
Amber Howard [00:43:35]:
Maybe they were always there, but I didn't see them, or they didn't occur like opportunities before. What's Maharaj want to create? What's my purpose? What am I fulfilling on? And in In a in a week, a month, 6 you know, that that may change 6 years from now. What you But if you if you are able to separate your purpose from your worth, right, and, like, I don't have to have any kind of purpose to be worthy. Like, the fact that I breathe. The fact that I just breathe and I exist means I'm worthy. I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of connection. I'm worthy of belonging.
Amber Howard [00:44:10]:
I'm worthy of mattering. I'm worthy of being able to have the the means to be able to Provide for and create the things that are important to me, and what is it that I wanna create. Like, those are different conversations, but so much of us I think so many of us spend our life, you know, fulfilling on some purpose in order to prove that we're we have worth.
Mahara Wayman [00:44:33]:
And it's completely backwards. Because if you if you are relying on the promotion, the bank account, the dress size. If you're relying on all that outer stuff to feel worthy, you will never feel worthy. You are back in Canada. What's on the agenda for you moving forward?
Amber Howard [00:44:55]:
Yeah. It's so great. So I'm back here for a few months. And while I'm here, I'm hanging out with clients and family, and, I do have a couple of books I'd like to finish by the end of the year. One of them's on and I'm really putting this out there because it's November 8th. So I'm declaring that this is gonna it's on my list of things to do this year, and I'm declaring I'm actually doing it. So I I've been writing a book for a number of years On the measures in for success and happiness and and, you know, how most of our lives are defined by other people's measurements for success and happiness. So the book's more of an inquiry.
Amber Howard [00:45:28]:
Like, what if you looking from different places at where these these, what I call, yardsticks come from, right, other people's measurements. Getting ready for a retreat in Bali in February. So it's for, women to who are interested in creating the next chapter of their life, and it's Gonna be in beautiful Bali, Indonesia. So we'll be launching, you know, sales for that in the next week or so, and just Spending time with my family, you know, and and connecting with loved ones here really get I got as much as I the reasons, you know, my friend's death brought me back to Canada earlier, and I was a little bit, like, not grateful, right, at the the beginning. So I was like, Volley is amazing. Don't wanna leave yet. You know? Like, all of that. And then I'm like, no.
Amber Howard [00:46:12]:
I have more time here to connect with people that I love and and see them and hug them in person. And, and so, you know, really just gonna be launching the Your Creative Life community. So people who are connected with me, stay tuned for that. It's, you know, will One day be a global community of like minded people who are supporting one another and living a creative life and will likely start off is a membership community for people to work with me, you know, in in group situations, looking at creating their life, and then we'll grow as a community together And and discover what it looks like to, to be in partnership, cocreating this community together globally. So I'm excited for that.
Mahara Wayman [00:46:53]:
I wanna call out that you've said it a few times in this podcast so far, and I haven't called it out yet. But I want I'd love for you to talk briefly about your the phrase your creative life. The first I heard your creative life, and I'm like, oh, that's important. Yeah. You gotta have a creative life. But, actually, You're saying your created life, and I just wanna talk about that for a second because that's very powerful. Where did that phrase come from, Where are you going to take it? Well, you mentioned it already, but Yeah. Touch on that for a bit.
Amber Howard [00:47:24]:
So, I mean, my purpose Today, and it has been evolving, but, you know, around this conversation is my purpose is that every human being gets to live a creative life of their own design based on what they authentically one. And that that isn't selfish. That in fact is, like, when each of us is doing that you mentioned it earlier. Like, When I'm living my life, like, my created life, I have so much more capacity to give to others that in fact, like, Imagine like, I imagine a world where every single human being was living a creative life based on what they wanted. Like, I think that is the end to many, many of the things that don't work in this world. And, and so but the the emphasis on the your is, like, you know, when you When people get into coaching and thought leadership and, you know, gurus and like, it it can very much become like, oh, what's Amber's idea of living your creative life, and I'm gonna go replicate Amber's success or happiness. And we're and my partners and I are saying no. It's your creative life.
Amber Howard [00:48:26]:
And that may just look you know, not not even just. That may look like having a kick ass family and being a badass at your PTA and, like, You know, just thriving. Everyone around you, you walk into a room and, you know, people are there's a a sense of enlivenment and aliveness just because you showed up in a space. Or it could look like ending human trafficking, or it could look like creating great art or or, you know, writing books or whatever. It could look like finding a way to earn money sitting on a beach doing nothing. I don't know because you can literally make money doing anything. Right? COVID especially has taught us that there's, like, there's there's no end to the you know, if it's about making money, there's so many different ways to make money. But the your created life is that, you know, This community is about giving people the support, the the tools, the guidance, for them to be able to To create a life that they that that sings, a life that they love, a life that they leap out of bed to be in.
Amber Howard [00:49:21]:
And to the point that you made right at the beginning and reiterated, That is not an easy life or a pain free life or a, you know, a life where nothing ever goes wrong because that's just not life. But it is, like, about having people create what they want and having people not just, again, the results, but the experience of living that they wanna have day in and day out.
Mahara Wayman [00:49:44]:
I absolutely love that. And along the way, we give ourselves permission for that. You you know, what you're saying just by putting it out there, you're giving us permission. But the real power comes when we accept that and make space in our lives for that possibility. What if I said yes to me? What if I went back to school? What if I did x, y, or z? What if? It's a it's a it's a great, beautiful great is such a a pansy word. It's an amazing opportunity for happiness when we ask what if. What would my creative life be?
Amber Howard [00:50:25]:
I have a theory, Mahara. I think, you know, this whole concept of a midlife crisis, I think many people wake up at some point in their midlife, and they look around their life, and they're like, how did I get here? Not like they didn't make choices that got them to that place, but, like, so much of our life, it's like, you know, if you live in different parts of the world. This story is a little bit different. But in North America, you go to school. You go to high school. You graduate. You go to college or university. You get a good job.
Amber Howard [00:50:49]:
You have a family. You get a house. Like, There's this, like you know, there's this, what it looks like to live a life, and then it's like, well okay. And now I'm in my well, Why did I do all of that? Who was that actually for? Right? You know, I met this amazing woman in Bali not too long ago, and she said, I became an accountant because, you know, in India as a woman or as Child. There's, like, 5 careers that are acceptable, and I didn't wanna be a lawyer. And none of that's wrong, and it's not that parents are bad wrong. I love parents. I've been one.
Amber Howard [00:51:20]:
It's the hardest job on the planet. But, like, so much of what we as parents teach our kids is just inherited. Or it's like, well, if we like what our parents did, we replicate it. If we don't, we do the opposite, but it's not created. It's not, well, how do I wanna be a mother? How do I wanna be a father? What do I want from my what do I want my children to be able to create in their lives that's uniquely their own? And so so many of us just Create these lives that are and in order to fulfill on someone else's standards and measurements for happiness and success versus saying, well, no. What do I want?
Mahara Wayman [00:51:58]:
Okay. So what I'm gonna ask of you now, what I want is for either you or the us together and come up with 3 things that the audience can do to help them feel more comfortable with this idea of a creative life. So what are 3 things that you either do yourself or that you think are very very simple, but could be the start of an amazing journey for any of our listeners that are not quite where we where we are at in their life and and are resonating with this idea of of, you know, a created life. What are some of the things 3 things that you think?
Amber Howard [00:52:37]:
Well, so for me, the first thing is gratitude. Like, gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. And, like, there's nothing wrong with your life now. And I mean that for anyone listening to this, whether you have, like, what looks like on paper a great life or a crappy life. You're, like, super in debt. You know, you don't weigh what you want. You know, your marriage is on the rocks. Your kids are being jerks.
Amber Howard [00:52:55]:
Like, there is nothing wrong with your life. There may be a lot of things that aren't working the way you want them to be, but that frame for shifting from good, bad, right, wrong to what's working and what's not working is super powerful. So there's nothing wrong with your life the way it is. But if you're not grateful for what you had, The universe is not gonna give you anything else. So that gratitude piece, like, being and and taking on the practice of of, of gratitude, and and until it becomes habitual, until it becomes a new like new neuro pathways, like you could be grateful for anything no matter what happens in life.
Mahara Wayman [00:53:31]:
I like that. Number 1, gratitude.
Amber Howard [00:53:34]:
Yeah. I don't know if it's number 2, but, like, this practice over perfection. Like, what if there was a you know, you talk about the art of badassery. I talk about the art of living. But, like, this you know, It's not a place to get to. You know, there is nowhere to get to. Wherever you get to, wherever you think it is that you need to end up, You know, there's just gonna be somewhere else to get to. Right? So, like but it it it could be about practicing, being human, practicing discovering what you want, practice, you know, anything.
Amber Howard [00:54:05]:
People spend decades practicing to become an Olympic athlete. But as human beings, we don't practice the art of living. We don't go, Oh, you know, breathing. I could practice breathing. I'm gonna take that on for the next month. Anytime I feel anxious, You know, or or overwhelmed. I'm just gonna I'm gonna take on bringing consciousness to that experience I'm having in my body, and I'm gonna breathe for deeply for 90 seconds. And let's see what my life looks like after a month of, you know, trying that on.
Amber Howard [00:54:35]:
Right? Oftentimes, people go, oh, breathing's they read a book or they see a podcast or a blog, and someone says, Breathing. You should breathe, and they do it for 1 or 2 times, and it's like, oh, that didn't work and move on to the next tool. Right? Like but practice, like practice living, practice being human.
Mahara Wayman [00:54:52]:
I'm gonna jump in with 1. Well, I'm I'm wondering if the third one could be, because we wanna keep this really simple, Is get in the habit of asking yourself some girly good questions.
Amber Howard [00:55:04]:
Yeah.
Mahara Wayman [00:55:04]:
So maybe even if at the end of every day, you ask yourself, well, what if. Whatever went on in that day and your reaction to it, ask yourself a question around it, like what if? Like, how come? How come that pissed me off so much? Oh my god. Why did I say that? So end the day with a question or start the day with a question.
Amber Howard [00:55:23]:
Yeah. And I'll You know, a good one that I'm playing with right now that a friend of mine gave me, which is a little bit of, I think, maybe an upgrade from what do I want is what what would I love?
Mahara Wayman [00:55:33]:
What would you love more of in your life? Yeah. You know? So we've got practicing gratitude, a recognition that your life isn't bad. Your life is your life is your life, and be very grateful for wherever you are in your life. Practice the art of living your life like the simple stuff like breathing. Breath work is amazing. Most of us do not breathe deeply on a radio. It is a definite practice. And ask yourself what would I like more of? Three great tips to enhancing your daily practice of being a badass or beginning your daily practice of being a badass.
Mahara Wayman [00:56:16]:
Many of you have heard me say really all it takes to be badass is hand on heart, say to yourself, it doesn't matter because you do. We all do. Amber, this has been a very a beautiful conversation, and I've loved this dance with you today. Folks, check out the show notes because whatever However you can connect with Amber, I'm gonna drop it in the show notes for you because she is really she's a beautiful human being that has a lot of wisdom to share everybody that she comes into contact with. I wanna thank you for joining me today, Amber. My name is Mahara. This has been the Art of Badassery, and I will see you next week. Thanks very much, everyone.
Amber Howard [00:56:54]:
Thank you so
Mahara Wayman [00:56:58]:
much. Thank you for tuning in to the Art of Badassery. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and gained valuable insights to help unleash your inner badass. If you found this podcast helpful, please leave a rating or review on your favorite platform. Your feedback not only helps me improve the show, but it also helps others like yourself discover the podcast. Until next time, keep embracing your authenticity and living life on your terms. Here's to you.
