Mahara Wayman [00:00:05]:
Welcome to the art of badassery where I explore what it takes to live life on your own terms. Break free from the status quo and unleash your inner badass. Whether you're a rebel at heart or simply seeking inspiration to step outside your comfort zone, this podcast is for you. I'm your host, Mahara Wayman. And each week, I dive into the stories, insights, and strategies of those who've mastered the art of badassery and are living life to the fullest. They smile when no one is lucky. This episode is brought to you by empowered collaboration, increasing empowerment through motivation, collaboration, communication, and connection. Hey, fierce women.
Mahara Wayman [00:00:55]:
Are you ready to break free from the monotony of everyday life and ignite your inner brilliance? Well, join me, your badass coach, and fellow coach, Jody Graham, for an empowering week at the awaken your brilliance retreat in the breathtaking Mexican Riviera from January 16th to 23, 2025. Rejuvenate with with sunrise meditations, empowering workshops, and soulful conversations. Your spouse or BFF can enjoy the nearby PGA golf course while you focus on growth. Early bird prices until June 15th, so reserve your spot now and awaken your brilliance. Click the link in the show notes to learn more. See you there. And now back to the show. Welcome to the art of badassery.
Mahara Wayman [00:01:44]:
I'm your host, Mahara Wayman. And today, I am so excited to introduce you to Alyssa Van Asteen, a resilient individual whose life journey has been marked by both triumphs and challenges. From her upbringing in the countryside to navigating through health issues and tumultuous relationships, her story is one of strength and transformation. She excelled in academics, sports, and music early on, harboring dreams of a career in medicine and athletics. However, unexpected setbacks, including injuries and misdiagnoses, steered her onto a different path. Despite these obstacles, though, she remained resilient, exploring various career opportunities, and continuously seeking growth. No wonder she's on the podcast today. Now as a wife and a mother and an entrepreneur, Alyssa's journey is really one of self discovery and empowerment.
Mahara Wayman [00:02:40]:
Through her experiences, she's learned the importance of being resilient, giving herself love, and embracing her truth. Join us as Alyssa shares her insights, her wisdom, and the transformative power of overcoming adversity and finding strength in vulnerability. Alyssa, I am so excited to have you on the show. Welcome.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:03:04]:
Oh, thank you so much, Maharaj. It's such an honor to be here. Just your community is so beautiful and the women that you've had on the show before. It is it is truly an honor to be here with you.
Mahara Wayman [00:03:15]:
Oh my gosh. Alright. That's enough for the love fest. Let's just dive right in. Folks, Alyssa and I have taken the same certification program, although we weren't in the same year. But there was so much that I didn't know about Alyssa until she dutifully sent in her Google form. And I'm reading, and I'm going, what? But I think it's, I think it's important that we get the whole picture. So would you mind, Alyssa, taking us back to before things kinda went off track, shall we say? And tell us how your life was then.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:03:48]:
Okay. Before things went off track. So let's say till about 20. So I grew up in the countryside. I grew up surrounded by family, by nature, doing so many beautiful things in in the yard, and I just wanna give that experience to my kids too. So we're looking for acreage. But yeah. And then really through road school, I excelled.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:04:15]:
That was that was kind of my my go to if I'm a an achiever, number 3 on the Enneagram slash 1 with a little helper to you as a wing there. So, yeah, top in academics, top in athletics, top in music, doing kind of all the things and trying to be the best at all of them. So and having big dreams. So I really wanted to my sport was volleyball. So I really wanted it to be Olympics. That was my goal. And I really wanted to go into medicine because half of my family is in the med medical field and that was a respectful career. And the other half was in education.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:04:56]:
So always like a process of learning on what can I get my hands on? How can I do better, learn more, get better? And ultimately, it actually really it was just in that continual seeking. And we've talked about this in the program too. Once I'm there then I'll be left and then I'll be seen, then I'll be accepted for me. So that actually I've been doing some reflecting. That actually carried it on through my life that I always need to be the best and I always need to learn more or do better. I can never be seen for me. And pushing that aspect of myself farther farther down and it's kind of funny because even working through ICM the 1st year there was the the story kept coming up is oh I'm playing a part. Which part am I playing? Who am I pretending to be? Because I couldn't actually be me.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:05:54]:
That was that was never a safe place to be.
Mahara Wayman [00:05:56]:
Okay. I'm not gonna turn this into a coaching session. Of course, it's so easy to do because we're both coaches. But when you think back to being a young woman and you're very driven, you've been very successful, Did you expect it to be easy?
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:06:11]:
No. I I needed it to be hard. And that was actually a story that I had too. I had to suffer. It had to be hard. It could not be easy. So that's really a lot of the reprogram that I had to do as well because it had to be hard. If it wasn't hard, if there wasn't a struggle, if I wasn't suffering, then I wasn't doing it right.
Mahara Wayman [00:06:34]:
Okay. I want I want everybody to remember she said that because she's gonna take another couple of years, and we're gonna see if there's any sort of a reckoning realization connection. So what happened then?
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:06:45]:
Then well, then getting into university and some really, really bad situations happened. So because of my tendencies and my programming and the need to be something for somebody else and to always prove myself along there. I ended up in some really bad situations in relationships, social settings because now I was out of the home. So I didn't have the I grew up in kind of a very commanding dictator ship style house. So I wasn't allowed to make a mistake or I was I wasn't allowed to be out of line because of how it would show up on the family. So now being on my own and first time in my life, oh, I can make my own choice. I can do things. I can go out with that group of people or really trying to find out, like, how to find love and how to find connection because I I never knew how growing up.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:07:42]:
It was just always a be this type of person, to find safety in the group to have my needs met. So we're really ending up in some bad relationships and and that continuing for, I think, 7, 8 years of really, abusive in many ways mentally, sexually, emotionally, and then also having stalkers and going, like, really unsafe situations and knowing throughout it all, this isn't me. But this is the choice I made. I need this is my my choice, but I can't back out of it. Because once you make a choice, you're stuck with it. So I stayed in those situations and that was really hard to get out of.
Mahara Wayman [00:08:32]:
I find it so interesting, and I a few guests have shared this phenomenon almost of being so intelligent, being able to almost see the picture from outside, but still not being able to act on it. And it's being not able. I I think even though you use the word choice, you know, I wonder if, like, the intelligent you today can say, yeah. It was my choice to do these things. But was it really when you look back at what everything that you had learned and and experienced? Because the picture I got was you were experimenting and free and, you know, hey. This is me. This is so exciting, yet you were still manifesting or you're still bringing into your world opportunities for some serious learning. Like, it's almost as if what you had before, that was just that was just to get you ready for this.
Mahara Wayman [00:09:27]:
Like, you've got that. Now you look at what now look at what you've got. It's it's just so interesting that guys, we've all been there. We've all known better and yet still taken the action that we knew wasn't going to support us. Okay. So thank you for sharing that, by the way. You're a little bit older, a whole lot wiser. How did you finally move away from that behavior or from those those, relationships?
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:09:51]:
That's a beautiful question. And also pointing out to you that life wants the best for you, and it's gonna show you the best by bringing up the same situations that are gonna help you in your healing. So me continuing on in that relationship or coming out of it and getting into one that's exactly the same or worse, life was really putting it right up in my face. This is where you need healing. This is where you need to look within, but my programming in the way that I was, it was it was continuing to seek outside. So no no you need to try harder, you need to do more, you need to take care of them more, you need to make them love you. So that was my internal programming. Whereas this, coming on my health challenges, this this weird accident, the slip and fall at work, which turned into degenerative disc disease, which turned into chronic fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia diagnosis is.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:10:50]:
Where my health, my drive to know you need to do more was completely undermined so I couldn't. So looking back and seeing the gift in that, you can't prove yourself anymore. You can't do anything. You're going downhill. Was a moment of just complete, like, life redirect. It's it's Well, if you can. Yeah.
Mahara Wayman [00:11:16]:
Well, I can't even imagine what must have been going through your head like, okay. I fall. And then I'm sorry. What? I'm sorry. What? I'm sorry. What? I'm you know, it just keeps going on and on, but all I can of and I don't know if it was said in our program or if it's just something I've heard and I talk about in general. But if if the if the universe shows us what we need to know, and if we don't get it, they'll keep showing us. And then sometimes they'll show us with, like, an explosion because I really gotta get your attention.
Mahara Wayman [00:11:49]:
And it sounds like you had ignored, ignored, ignored for so long that the person's like, okay. Well, she can't ignore this.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:11:56]:
Yeah. Yeah. So it was, like, almost a forced, no you can't you can't show up in the ways that you're used to. Like a really big redirect and coming up on I had spinal surgery. I flew to Germany in 2 2015 for spinal surgery. Because I was at a point then where like I was not able to work as well anymore And my quality of life, like, I had to drop all my extracurriculars and going to that and then having this miracle surgery. Absolutely amazing. Like, I was back to being able to work out.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:12:30]:
Like, I could I got promoted at work even though I shouldn't have been going back so soon. But I went back to work right away. And pardon me and in all of that, hopping right back on the way, you know, do more, prove it, achieve more. So and then I switched careers into this, sales career which was beautiful and I rose I achieved very I rose very quickly in that. And within 6 months of getting that job, studying records in North America once again all of a sudden my health starts failing and I go on disability and just there were so many questions at that time like well I changed careers like this was this is going so well like what like what? Right? So really a confusing time. And at the same time, that's when I met my husband or reconnected because we've known each other before. And that's actually another story that could be fun to go into, but he completely manifested our relationship in a way. And, but but, like, I couldn't work at all.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:13:45]:
Like, I was just like, I couldn't even drive. Like, there was so much overstimulation, overwhelm. There's pain in my body. And that went on for years. And it was just a question mark and there were so many mis diagnoses during that time. And knowing what I know now, I would have sought the help of different professionals for sure. Just because of the the purpose of our medical system isn't necessarily to help you reach optimal health. It's to kind of stop you from dying.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:14:20]:
So very different ends of the spectrum for for what its purpose is and but also the understanding of female bodies and and stress in the nervous system and and not just covering up symptoms. So yeah. So lots there and but still me trying to do more and more. Because when I got together with my then has or then boyfriend, now husband, I was supporting him in his businesses and helping him build his businesses to the best that I could and then ending up flat on my back because I was so exhausted. So I still hadn't learned my my lesson.
Mahara Wayman [00:14:58]:
Okay. I just wanna jump in here and and ask. As you were navigating your health or lack of health and being being awakened to the reality of health care in general. Health care in Canada is better than health care in other places, but it there's a lot to be Like, what was it that a lot that gave k. When did you find yourself going, you know what? This isn't working for me? Like, what was it that a lot that gave k. When did you give yourself permission to really start questioning?
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:15:37]:
I think the questioning really started when I got pregnant for the first time.
Mahara Wayman [00:15:42]:
Okay.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:15:42]:
I was still sick. We gotten married. It was a a honeymoon baby. So it was all of a sudden in your face and it was okay. I don't want my child to have the same life as I had. That scared me so much. But then what can I do? Oh, light bulb moment. You change the way the environment, the thinking, the the values, and value system where God introduced to me at that time.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:16:11]:
And I was my mind was blown. I'm like, what? You make decisions according to your values, not according to what everybody else thought of you? Like, that blew my mind. And it was such this this moment that and it really started the process of inquiry that, okay, I'm not living for people out there. I'm living for my values. What's important to me? And what do I want my life to look like? So that was that was the start of it. And then at the time too, I was just really looking into how do I do that and what do I do? Like, I want I want my child's life to be different, but what does that mean? What does that look like? How do I create a different life than what I knew? Because that was all that I knew. So that started so many hours and hours and hours researching and coming across now conscious parenting. And, oh, we don't have to punish shame and guilt our children into behaving the way that we need them to.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:17:16]:
We can let them be themselves and help guide them or explore their true nature and their truth and whatever that may be.
Mahara Wayman [00:17:26]:
So as you are doing this, 2 things pop into my mind. Number 1, I have experienced it myself as a question of understanding values. And Yeah. I remember the first time the phrase core value was shared with me. I was at a retreat. And I'm like, And it wasn't that I didn't have them. I just hadn't it was just sort of a new term. But in my business, I come across so many people that, to your point, have never asked themselves what's important to me because they have been so busy doing whatever they've been told, that they've never chance to actually grow up into who they were meant to be, for example.
Mahara Wayman [00:18:04]:
Yeah. So busy pretending. So that popped into my head. But the other thing I wanted to ask was, you are now a parent or you're about to be a parent and you're thinking about parenting your child. Was that did that correlate with Bell's going off on how you were raised? Was that, like, the first time you went, k. Wait a second. That's I don't want I want it to be directly opposite to what I had, for example. Or did it or did it come a little bit later on in your parenting? That that sort of looking back and questioning and going,
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:18:39]:
Yeah. No. That's that's a great question. And and and just thinking back on it, it was it was kind of like the awareness was coming to, Like, oh, it needs to be different than what I did. But at the same time and I was looking up all these things, but making it a personal practice and really embodying that was was challenging because at the same time, I I depended on help and outside support and that came in the form of my family. So trying to distance myself from these behaviors and at the same time completely dependent on on their support. Because through the the previous years my support circle got extremely small because I wasn't working. I couldn't go out for social events.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:19:29]:
I could barely go to the grocery store. So I didn't have other friends or people to call on. It was just my family. So having that internal struggle of I don't want it to be this way for my kids, but they're the only people that are helping me. So yes. And and then later, the the huge moment coming after some more misdiagnosis and a second right and see and then 5 months after that actually finding out why my pain was the way it was and what was actually wrong or disturbed within my body. And and that original spinal surgery, the prosthesis was infected. So having massive infection in my body and and that was the cause of my pain for the 6 years before.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:20:22]:
And it just kept getting passed over as some kind of chronic issue or because you were pregnant or you're a woman and or you're breastfeeding or like so many things.
Mahara Wayman [00:20:32]:
Oh. Oh. Yeah.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:20:34]:
Yeah. So and then and then it came, came up that, okay, now I'm strong. I'm healthier now. And this was even a couple of months after surgery. I'm healthier and stronger now than I've been in the last 6, 7 years plus. So then I started using my voice. Then I started saying no. And that caused a whole another wave of, really, disrupting my family and my my parents and brothers and sisters that she's doing something different, which is hard and it can lead to a lovely path when you when you kind of break away from normal traditions and behaviors, especially if it is a bit of an unhealthy situation anyway.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:21:27]:
And really in that time it took a it was about a year after that that I found ICAM but for that year it was empowering. But I was also full of anxiety because I didn't have my support system. Or when I saw them, it was like cringeworthy and for how much I got kind of attacked verbally or bullied just from my family. And knowing, through it all that I'm doing this for myself and for my children to create something different. And it is gonna be hard, and that's okay because it it will get easier. And I
Mahara Wayman [00:22:11]:
I just wanna say you really are not only are you badass, that goes without saying, but it takes an incredible amount of courage to, first of all, admit to yourself that you're or that people that you love and have raised you, maybe it it wasn't so great after all or there was another way. So that takes courage. But, also, to then voice it to those people takes a tremendous amount of courage. I read something recently. A friend shared it with me just on the weekend, and I think it's very appropriate. A fellow was talking on Instagram, I guess, about generational trauma
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:22:49]:
Yeah.
Mahara Wayman [00:22:49]:
That within generations, there will come a child who Mhmm. Purpose is to stop it, change it, redirect it. And often they looked at as the black sheep of the family because they they're a little quirky. They they stand up for themselves. They go against the grain. And Yeah. Of course, you know, I believe that it makes perfect sense to me, but it sounds like this is what you're describing. And going generational trauma exists, people, you may not have experienced it.
Mahara Wayman [00:23:20]:
That would be lovely. But just Yeah. Around you, it's part of I think it's part of the human it's part of our human nature to to evolve through these generations of trauma. That's how we learn and grow. But for the person that chooses to step up and step out of that, it's it takes a lot of courage. Yeah. Did you have to work at that courage daily, or was it like a a switch that flipped and you went, no. This is before me, and this is now after me, and it never the twain shall meet? Or was it something that you had to sort of gear yourself up for daily?
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:23:54]:
It was daily. It was definitely daily because I still did kind of rely on support from them because I was still healing from a major, like, redoing spinal surgery on medication. Like, I was still healing. I was way stronger but I still like I couldn't lift my children still. And I I had an a newborn. Right? And then super funny, 6 months after major surgery, I got pregnant again. Because what do you do when you're feeling better? You have fun with your husband. Right? Like, there's this new experience, and it's like, oh, surprise there.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:24:34]:
Yeah. And so going back into now now fear is coming up. Okay. I just had major surgery. Am I gonna ruin my body? Am I gonna backtrack? Am I gonna pop out my fused spine? Like, all these all these fears coming up again. So, yeah, it was a work that daily type. It definitely worked out daily to to find that. And it and it faltered.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:24:57]:
Like, it was never consistent. It was never, this is my road and path. I'm taking it steady all the way through. It was up and down. It was no. No. I need my help. I'm not gonna say anything.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:25:08]:
Right? I'm gonna go back to tiptoeing for a bit because I don't have the energy for all of that because it does take a lot of energy at that point that I was at. And, I I love thinking about this now because it's so different, but really the that's the 1st year also that I invested in my first self development program and course and and group. And before I was always of the, no. No. I'm gonna figure it out on my own by looking at all the things online because you can just research it. Right? You don't need help or professionals or any of those things, which is completely different from today. And and the one thing that stood out to me and getting into ICM is really deep in the practice, but that forgiveness isn't a one time thing. And that's the that's the part that really freed me in a way.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:26:04]:
That, okay, it's not supposed to forgive and then the next day it's easy forever. From from that that way of looking at it and then so that that took off a lot of pressure because it's like, okay, there can be ups and downs. There can be days where I go back into it. And then fast forwarding ahead to, to being in the program and really going into acceptance and compassion and forgiveness and and allowing yourself to express and release a lot of the emotions and and the different layers that we hold this energy at. And knowing that forgiveness and being compassionate and accepting with the situation, it's not about right or wrong. Right? And that's how I was raised. It's I'm sorry. Oh, that's alright.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:26:57]:
It's like, no, no, I'm sorry. Right? Like, thanks for saying you're sorry. It's not right or wrong. It's not anything that. It's saying what we're doing the best we can, and that's everybody with the level of what our consciousness is at, with the situation, with our upbringing. And that's what actually brought me to a place where it was, okay, forgiveness and then moving on. So very different than how I was raised with it. And that was more of a cooler process.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:27:28]:
Yeah.
Mahara Wayman [00:27:29]:
When you and thank you for sharing that with us. I'm going I'm thinking back to when you said to yourself, k. I'm willing to tiptoe and keep quiet because I need the help. Yeah. I'm wondering about how the family viewed that because I got I'm getting the idea the feeling that they may have thought, oh, thank god she's come around to being the way we need her to be, and then realizing that you were just pretending. And and I'm wondering if there was a lot if there was any sort of discussion or angst or if it just came out as anger that, wait a second. You're not behaving the way we need you to be after all. You were just faking it.
Mahara Wayman [00:28:12]:
If that sort of came up in the family dynamics as you moved through this.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:28:16]:
Yeah. And the family dynamics were, were phenomenal. That that part happened during pandemics. So heightened anyway for for things that were going on. And really fascinating because throughout my life, I've been the troubled child or the rebel or, I think my dad said at one point too, you you put us through hell. And in my mind, I was like, no. No. I don't I don't have that power.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:28:48]:
Because he said it when I was away, like, provinces away and I still had control over his reality. So that being light bulb moments too is that growing up in a family where I'm responsible for my parents' feelings or the image of our family. And that was a light bulb moment for me. And really seeing that that enmeshment or that codependency and then seeing how it played out in all areas of my life where I'm responsible for other people and their inner worlds, which now it's it's it's it doesn't make sense, but it happens so often and it's it's very prevalent. And and coming back to your question about about them. Yeah. They, the family was, not happy with my choices or speaking up even. And it was even the little things.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:29:48]:
So I'll give you just one example. We want our our children or I want my children to have a healthy relationship with food. So starting at a young age they put food in their own mouth. Right? I'm not spoon feeding or flying or tricking them into eating things, it's they put food in their own mouth, that's then they'll learn how it feels, how much they want. They don't have to play games or be tricked into it. And and I mentioned that just to my dad once during supper, and I got yelled at for just a simple comment like that. I got yelled at, and I ended up leaving because I was getting screamed at in front of my child about just one simple comment. So things were very heightened.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:30:35]:
And I realized too that I wasn't allowed to have my own opinion growing up. And I wasn't allowed to find me because I was held to the standard of, someone else's expectations of me and then keeping me in line for an image. So all of these things coming to surface, and it was just, the way that it happened though, it was it was pretty overwhelming because it was all of a sudden all at once. And it was just one thing after another after another. And and I wouldn't change the way it happened. Because they were all so tied and so linked together. And it really did, it put me in a really bad place for a while for sure. Because it was being kind of linked to a, well, I won't go that way, but I'm always needing to be good.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:31:31]:
Right? I need to be good. I don't wanna harm anyone. I want the best for everybody. But I was seeing as being seen as a bad guy. That was really hard, especially when you're trying to create that separation from your family, which is your caregivers and the people that you grew up with. So it was a hard time for sure.
Mahara Wayman [00:31:50]:
And not only that, but it's what you have lived with all your life. It's what you whether you like it or not or come it it is it is what you And, again, here I'm gonna use the word courage, but the courage to question. This is what no. Is it possible that there's something better? Is it possible that I can't? Can I actually feel a little bit differently? So, you know, I just wanna highlight that that that in itself is courageous because many of us go through life. We don't question anything. We just do. You want me to go here? I'll go there. You want me to jump? Just tell me how high.
Mahara Wayman [00:32:24]:
I'll do it. You know, you want me to be you say you want me to be happy. I don't even know what that means. So I'm just gonna smile. Yeah. Right? So I think women in particular have fallen into that trap of not knowing really who we are for all of these other reasons. One of the things that that popped into my mind as you were talking was how we behave in one area of our life is how we behave in all areas of our life. So I can see the wheels turning.
Mahara Wayman [00:32:52]:
And as the recognition hit, like, hey, then you do it somewhere else. You go, wait. Hey. Hey. Oh my god. I'm doing I'm behaving in the same way. So it's it's part of this journey of self discovery and transformation is recognizing that it is we are never one and done. Right? Forgiveness ain't one and done.
Mahara Wayman [00:33:12]:
Growth ain't done. You know? Any of this any of this any of the human journey, I think, is none of it's 1 and done. I was the the initial I do believe that the first time we put our hand on our heart and say, I matter. Mhmm. That that's that's changed the dynamics forever. But other than that thing that comes after, you just keep have you know, you just keep learning and growing and doing and experiencing. Okay. Where are you at with your family today?
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:33:44]:
It is, my parents spend 3 months in Mexico during winters. So that's a bit of it's almost like an integration going into growth period for me where it's there's no pressure. Otherwise, they live 5 minutes away. So it's it's very close too because we had to move close when I needed that help. And now it's there's more distance in between. There's almost a from my end, it's I've come to a place where I know my truth. I know what I want for my family, and it's not a place anymore where it seems really like there's harsh boundaries, like how I started out when I was just starting creating boundaries in my life. Now there's there's more of a softness, but a firmness to things, on my end.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:34:36]:
And and I think too that there are shifts in my family system. There are are more inquiries maybe on on my parents' behalf. And especially since we've we've kind of stepped out of the normal family gatherings and get togethers. We tried to do it this last Christmas. We tried to do all the things and it was it was stressful, but realizing too that was just a little patterning of wanting to find community and be accepted and, and that kicking up, which is totally fine. But knowing that that's not the way we wanna do it. So and I'm just gonna come back to there were 2 really beautiful points in there that you made, about inquiry. And coming out of my surgery when I really the first biggest inquiry that popped into my head was, do I want to get better or not? Because I yeah.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:35:36]:
And that was huge. That was life changing for me because I knew that if I got better, things would be radically different. And if I stayed sick, then I could still pretend and be accepted and live the way that that I had been, but then I wouldn't be causing upset. So that was a tipping point for me. And since that inquiry is just a normal part of the day now, And it's really investigating internally what's coming up for me. And I know this is such a juicy topic. And then the second point too that you were coming to is when we accept ourselves, when we find ourselves, we say I am worthy I matter. How how big that is for a lot of people because especially to, like, looking more at child development and everything when we look at our children and the way that they're raised, it's almost like they're a nuisance versus no, you matter.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:36:34]:
Your opinion matters. Your needs matter. The way that you wanna do things matter. Right? So noticing too that that comes from an early age, that that programming. So being really gentle with ourselves as we're coming to these different inquiries and these different could they be different? What am I doing now that I'm just doing because it's always been done? And how much life can change if you're actually willing to slow down and take take a closer look.
Mahara Wayman [00:37:06]:
I think one of the things that comes to mind is and I ask myself this a lot is, what's real? Now what's actually real, or what am I projecting? Is the sky really blue, or do I just assume it's that color and I call it blue? Yeah. I wanna make listeners crazy by going down this rabbit hole of the truth is, I believe, and I think you believe as well, is that we do create our reality because everything starts in our mind. We raised in a society that teaches us that encourages us to stop that. Don't think. Just do. Don't speak until you're asked. You know, all of these things. Yeah.
Mahara Wayman [00:37:45]:
Sound what we are we do create our reality. I can choose to be happy, sad, mad, glad, and be oblivious. Right? I can choose that. Most of us don't know ourselves permission. So
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:37:59]:
everything
Mahara Wayman [00:38:00]:
that we learned in our program and by the way, ICM stands for International Coaching Mastery. It's a year long certification program with Alyssa Nobriga. That's what we've been we've been referencing a couple times. And for me, that program I just wanna tell you a really funny story. When I first joined it, I just wanted to learn how to make money as an entrepreneur. And in the first session, Alyssa shared that we the business component in the last 6 months. I remember thinking, what for 6 months until I learned how to develop my my business and introduce this concept of peer coaching. And right away, we started coaching each other on, you know, like, stuff, like inner stuff.
Mahara Wayman [00:38:38]:
And I remember thinking, I don't need this. I'm a very happy together person. Like, what? And within, you know, 2 hours, I was a sobbing mess going, oh my god. I had no idea. So tongue in cheek, inner work is work. And it's not everybody wants to do it. But what what you find and for those that, you know, people that are are listening thinking, you know, I'm I'm a badass. I'm very happy.
Mahara Wayman [00:39:04]:
I'm doing things my own way. Don't forget that everything you do, somebody else is watching, and they have the choice to either accept it or not. It doesn't matter. It's got nothing to do with you. It can be hard when we're on this journey because we want our friends and families to get it. We want them to understand, but that may not be their their journey in this lifetime. So it sounds, Alyssa, like almost the perfect storm. Everything kept happening to force you to make a decision and stood up.
Mahara Wayman [00:39:35]:
You heard the call. You stood up, and you're you're working through it. And I you for that Because of this work is hard. I've had great support, and it's hard. Right? So do it without the support perhaps that you were looking for needed makes it doubly challenging.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:39:50]:
Yeah. And I want you to just, just take, like, a little plug here to come in full circle. And I think the biggest gift of all of this is that once I actually went inwards and found myself and it started accepting all parts of me and all parts of my past and not judging it or or saying, oh, that was bad or horrible or anything. It's just my life, and it's all welcome. Then from that point, then I can see others and they can have their own experience. They can have their own experience of me. They can they can do their own thing and it's not if there's no charge there anymore. It's not all because of me or I need to change this or anything.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:40:30]:
It's no. No. They get their own experience and it's all welcome. And I think that's a good gift.
Mahara Wayman [00:40:36]:
And I gotta say it's not always easy to to be that open and understanding and nonjudgmental because that's all we do is judgment. Right? Oh my god. Look at what she's wearing. You may say it innocently, but it's a judgment. Yeah. Oh god. You look terrible to it's a judgment against me. So we live in a world full of judgment, and it takes effort to question that and to step into a place that's not judgmental.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:41:03]:
But also acknowledging to you that it's it's normal. Like you said, like, the mind goes to judgment. That's normal. It's just catching it before the stories start happening and then and then moving forward versus getting caught in it. So that piece of awareness too.
Mahara Wayman [00:41:18]:
Thing. Awareness is everything. And, you know, with my clients, I talk about first thing I always talk about is clarity. Like, what really saying to me. Because what I heard you say was this, but I can tell by your body language that you're inter that you're thinking you're hearing yourself in a different way. So clarity is starts with awareness that something that something is worth clarifying. And then do inspection either for, you know, the introspection or outerspection. Just asking, talking, exploring, connecting communities, everything.
Mahara Wayman [00:41:49]:
And then deciding I think then we have a choice. I either continue on this journey.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:41:55]:
Yeah.
Mahara Wayman [00:41:56]:
I say I put my hands up and go, you know what? I don't have the energy for it.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:42:00]:
Yeah.
Mahara Wayman [00:42:00]:
We always have a choice. But gotta make it sound like life is so difficult, and it it can be. Doesn't have to be because to your it's very freeing to forgive. It's very freeing to be nonjudgmental. It's Yeah. It's it's almost like I'm being a kid again in a way because you're like you know, my children at one point weren't aware of consequences. So they just walk through their day with happiness and joy. And, you know, I didn't they didn't get in trouble for stuff because I was just so enamored of them.
Mahara Wayman [00:42:31]:
And it's feeling. Right? Like, I'm a child of the universe. I get to experiment, and nothing's gonna go wrong. And even if I feel badly in the moment, it doesn't have to doesn't have to it's not permanent. I don't have to make it permanent.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:42:46]:
Yeah. And I love that. And I love how you brought it back to to that childlike, being too because that's that's still what's in us. And I I kind of equate that to our essence. And when we go through life, we get all these layers on top, and we just wanna find our essence again, that childlike pureness that still is within all of us. That is unconditional love and acceptance. And and once we get to that, then things are they're a lot simpler because we don't have all these other stories coming up and and other comparisons or people pleasing or or all of those things that come up that that me and you, we do work with our clients to make things easier to find alignment.
Mahara Wayman [00:43:29]:
So good. So good. So let's talk about the work that you are currently doing. Let's you're no longer in the sales job from years ago where you
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:43:36]:
didn't sell. No. Although I tried to go back there after after my surgery, I tried. I pushed and it should have been a 5 minute easy process. And it took 3 months of miscommunications and things going wrong until I said, okay, I I guess I shouldn't be going back there. Let's move on. So loving life, life knows. Right? Life wants your best.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:44:00]:
And at work now, yeah, I I'm coaching and I'm taking on 1 to 1 clients currently. I do a few clients at a time because I do offer a lot of support in between sessions as well. So really wanting to help elevate you to your next level. And I love to focus on business because it's then you have tangible results and big and it's also gonna affect every area of your life. So but you can also hear as we speak like I'm really passionate about family dynamics and relations and relationships and parenthood. And and there's such a gifts in all of that for for really uncovering what's inside us. And like your work too, my work is mostly inner, and then we're gonna build strategy that aligns. So, working 1 to 1, and then I think by the end of this year, I'm gonna have some groups coming out.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:44:54]:
So I'm excited about that, but holding off a little just because, like, I have young children. Right? 1, 3, and 5 year olds. So really keeping spaciousness in my day too so I can live the way that I I teach my clients to live. Really holding their values first and what's important and what they want their life to look like and and what's nourishing and fulfilling for them. Yeah. And I am completely offline. So I know you're gonna ask for websites or handles or stuff like that, and and there are none. I am on Instagram.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:45:28]:
I try I I did, like, a week or 2 of trying to populate it, and I was like, it takes 3 hours to make a reel. We're just gonna put that aside for a little bit.
Mahara Wayman [00:45:39]:
Whatever you have, I will include in the show notes.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:45:42]:
Yeah.
Mahara Wayman [00:45:44]:
What are your top three, tips for living a badass life, Alyssa? So juicy.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:45:56]:
I think the biggest one is just accepting all parts of you and knowing that every single part of you that's trying to come up even whether it's criticism or judging or people pleasing, all parts of you are trying to serve you in some way. So really getting curious and then if needed upgrading the programming, but knowing that all parts of you are ultimately good and working in your favor, because then you can see that in other people too, and it just creates more connection and and beauty in the world. And, 2 is speak your truth no matter what, but really looking inward to to find your truth. Not not what's going on out here, but really tuning in and taking the time to get still. And then 3rd, so many different ones. And you're catching me on a mind like, there there's so many to put in here is really, I think, part of that slowing down and in instilling that in your day so you can hear and then dropping into the body. Because when the mind gets busy, if you drop into the body, your body knows. Right? Whether it's in health or or if things seem out of alignment like in your job and then coming to the stillness and dropping into your body.
Alyssa Van Alstyne [00:47:29]:
And you can even just have a conversation with your body and saying, what do you need? Your body is gonna tell you say I need to rest or I am too stressed or this doesn't feel right. So just getting curious and being open to inquire, Inquiry. I'm just saying, is this what I want? Or why do I want this? Or why am I doing this? Who is it for? And if the answer isn't it's it's for me and in my alignment, then then you can go from there.
Mahara Wayman [00:48:03]:
Love it. I love so I couldn't help but picture as you were sharing your your your three tips for being badass. For those of us that have children, think back to when they were toddlers. If you don't have kids, I'm sure you you can picture this. But when kids are little, they're always going, how come? How come? How come? Yeah. Tell me. I wanna know. I wanna know.
Mahara Wayman [00:48:26]:
I wanna know. So it again. Right? With that with that level of of of inquisitiveness and self centeredness that we often say we don't like in kids, but really is so incredibly beautiful. They know they're the center of their universe. I'm the center of my universe. You're the center of your universe, and that's okay. But be be love that and, and slow down. I love that too.
Mahara Wayman [00:48:52]:
Alyssa, it's been an absolute delight. I've loved chatting with you. I would love to do this again and do a deep dive on somatics because you and I know the term drop into your body, but not everybody listening may really understand what we mean by that. So you heard it here, folks. We are gonna do a follow-up session where we we do a deep dive on somatics, and maybe we'll have a few other of our peers on that that do it that talk about it and work with it a lot more because there is magic in our bodies. We've got a mind. We've got a body. And together, man, we can conquer we can conquer anything when when we work with them together.
Mahara Wayman [00:49:30]:
My name is Mahara. This has been the art of badassery. Unless I have an amazing afternoon. Thank you for joining me again. And, folks, we'll see you next week. Thanks for tuning in to another badass episode. Your support means the world to me. So if you enjoyed what you heard today, don't forget to like, share, and rate the episode on your favorite podcast platform.
Mahara Wayman [00:49:52]:
Your feedback keeps the badassery flowing. And, hey, if you're ready to unleash your inner badass and conquer whatever life throws your way, why not book a complimentary badass breakthrough session? Just click the link in the show notes to schedule your session, and let's kick some serious butt together. Until next time, stay fearless, stay fabulous, and of course, stay bad ass. This is Mahara signing off.
