Mahara Wayman [00:00:05]:
Welcome to the art of badassery where I explore what it takes to live life on your own terms. Break free from the status quo and unleash your inner badass. Whether you're a rebel at heart or simply seeking inspiration to step outside your comfort zone, this podcast is for you. I'm your host, Mahara Wayman and each week I dive into the stories, insights and strategies of those who have mastered the art of badassery and are living life to the fullest. They smile when no one is looking. Welcome to the art of badassery podcast. My name is Mahara Wayman, and I am so excited today. I have Darla Radilla with us.
Mahara Wayman [00:00:50]:
Growing up in Alexandria, Virginia and a graduate of TC Williams High School of remember the titans fame, Darla dreamed of becoming a teacher or a veterinarian. She's lived in Colorado, New Mexico, Washington state, and now resides in the Verde Valley of Arizona. After a career as an executive administrative assistant, Darla started her coaching business in April 2024. She loves hiking, reading, dancing, singing, and performing with local bands. Is it any wonder she's a guest on the art of badassery? Just you wait till you hear her story. Her journey into self empowerment, though, began during a very challenging divorce, leading her to face the trauma of narcissistic abuse. Through resilience and support, she became a certified somatic trauma informed coach, and her mission is to help women reclaim their power after narcissistic abuse. So grab your favorite drink, tune in, and listen to her story as she shares her insights on healing and empowerment.
Mahara Wayman [00:01:56]:
Darla, welcome to the show. I'm really looking forward to this conversation.
Darla Radilla [00:02:00]:
Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. Thank you so much.
Mahara Wayman [00:02:03]:
My pleasure. So started with dreams of being a veterinarian and ended up in the corporate world. Yes. What were some of the acts of badassery that you experienced in that journey? We will definitely get to the ones that you're that gonna be the focus of the show. But paint the picture from young Darla into corporate world.
Darla Radilla [00:02:23]:
Yes. Some of those acts were, as a child, I didn't grow up in the greatest of homes. So, I had an abusive father and a mom who just did not protect me from him. So some of that badassery that, that was kind of percolating within me was realizing that I had to protect myself. Something within me rose up, and I was able to defend myself against my father. And that kind of followed me throughout my life. One of the things I'm thinking of is I I moved out 6 weeks after graduation and got my own apartment, signed a year lease, and I've kinda that night was the scariest night of my night of my life. If as an 18 year old basic child, I could do that, nothing has been more scary than that.
Darla Radilla [00:03:09]:
And so it's it's kinda gone from there. I've been taking these leaps and bounds, fast tracked into adulthood. But once again, these are stepping stones into what was to come in my life.
Mahara Wayman [00:03:22]:
I think it's important, this idea of of our growth is a journey of stepping stones. Because sometimes I don't know about you, but when I you know, on my journey, I've kinda like, okay, god. Give me the lesson. Oh, I've learned the lesson. Now why isn't life perfect? I don't know if that's ever happened to you, but I've certainly fell into that feeling that how much is how much is needed for me to see a difference? Like, what exactly do I need to do to get out of this place, to get into the place that I dream of? Alright. So from a young age, you recognize the need to speak up for yourself. Mhmm. How did you get through that first night?
Darla Radilla [00:04:00]:
A panic attack. I called my boyfriend at the time who ended up being my husband, father of my child, really kind of just talking myself down. Like, okay. It's done. You can't undo this. This is what you wanted. And, you know, and to backtrack a little bit, it was something I had to do. Staying at home, going to college wasn't an option for me at that point in my life because my father was abusive.
Darla Radilla [00:04:24]:
And I told my parents the day I turned 18, when I graduate from high school, I'm out. So there was this feeling of this is what I need to do to survive. So reminding myself of that that night. And, you know, each day I got up and took a deep breath and said, okay. It felt a little bit more a little bit more easier and more comfortable. Yeah.
Mahara Wayman [00:04:47]:
Yeah. This idea of connecting with our why, I mean, that's kind of a coach lingo. You know, what's your why? Why do why are you here? What do you want out of the world? But to make it really basic, you're either taking steps towards something or you're running away from something. And they can sometimes work in conjunction. The the trick is, I think, having the courage to recognize it. So what I'm hearing is that you kinda went, you know what? There the need is so great that I have I I just there's no no discussion. It's gotta be done. Despite the fear or the or the the uncomfortableness or the uncertainty, whatever that is in the moment is better than where you've been.
Mahara Wayman [00:05:29]:
Total active badassery. So how did you end up in the corporate world?
Darla Radilla [00:05:35]:
I my senior year of high school, I did a work study program where I went to school half a day and then they bused us. I I grew up in Alexandria in the DC area, and so we would just take the metro. And I was a word processor during my senior year. And so this basically you know, you talk about the universe aligning things. This gave me the capability to move out. So I negotiated a full time job after my graduation with them. So I started out as a word processor. It kind of went from there.
Darla Radilla [00:06:04]:
Executive assistant work, I did for a really long time. It, as my skills got better, I got into that. It was a great career, great money, but I devoted myself after a while because I had no work life balance.
Mahara Wayman [00:06:17]:
Let me just be really clear here. Did I hear you say while you were still in high school, you negotiated a full time job with that you knew was waiting for you once you graduated?
Darla Radilla [00:06:27]:
Yeah. I did.
Mahara Wayman [00:06:27]:
K. I want a sign that says badass.
Darla Radilla [00:06:30]:
Oh, thank you. So I think we're, you know, we're of
Mahara Wayman [00:06:33]:
a similar generation. And when I think back to my graduation, I don't think I thought past the grad party and maybe going to college if I kinda felt like it. There wasn't I I just didn't have I just wasn't I didn't think that big or long term. So good for you. Okay. What's one of the biggest things that you learned about yourself in this phase of corporate work? And you mentioned developing your skills. Outside skills, I get it, but I'm curious about the inside skills. What did you learn about yourself on the inside as you as you navigated life?
Darla Radilla [00:07:10]:
Yeah. What came to mind was a job that I had my last job in in the DC area, I developed a lot of people skills actually. I had this uncanny way of being, a go between, like that last job. I I've always felt this way that I wanna develop a relationship with the janitor all the way up to the executives I worked for, and I treated them all the same. And what ended up happening, is that we had a president and an organization who was very difficult. I had I ended up developing a really great relationship with her. She was a pineapple. She was, like, kinda, you know, a little rough on the outside, but mostly on the inside.
Darla Radilla [00:07:46]:
And once we developed a rapport, we were both single moms, you know, those kind of things. But I started going in between to the people that were afraid of her and saying we need this, we need that. And I would sometimes sit her down and say, are you listening to what I'm saying? Do you understand how you're coming across? I would be that go between, and that's gonna happen a lot in my career.
Mahara Wayman [00:08:06]:
Another act of badassery. And can I say also a little bit of bravery? Did you feel that you had to sort of harness some courage to have those that level of connection with a supposedly difficult person?
Darla Radilla [00:08:21]:
Indeed. Because she was a bully, to be quite frank. But there was a a day. So she had to go to a funeral, and, there was an emergency at work and a real emergency, and I really didn't know how to handle it. So I did try to, like, not contact her till after, but I didn't wanna contact her at all. But there was a dispute the next day about how that went down, and I just kind of stood up and said that's not how it happened. This is why, and this is what I did. And I think I earned her respect in that moment because everybody else would, like, just cower and kind of been I'm kind of outspoken, still am, but that earned her respect.
Mahara Wayman [00:09:05]:
Do you think there may not be a connection at all, but do you think your upbringing and your need to protect yourself as you were growing up gave you the the wherewithal to stand up for yourself in that situation?
Darla Radilla [00:09:20]:
Yeah. I do. My dad was he was pretty he was pretty, you know, threatening for sure.
Mahara Wayman [00:09:27]:
Yeah. Awesome. Okay. So, by the way, your energy is just amaze so if you're not watching the video, check out the video that I'm gonna be posting because she her smile is just lighting up the screen as she she recounts these stories. What are some other things that you've learned about yourself, Darla, that you know have really played into your growth today?
Darla Radilla [00:09:50]:
Mhmm. Definitely relationships. And I think that over the past 5 years, that has really grown and particularly this year. I you know, growing up in a dysfunctional home, I did not have a model of what a healthy relationship looked like, and I had a lot of insecurities. So I attracted men who are emotionally unavailable. Not all were abusive, so, that didn't happen until my mid thirties. But I I seem to attract people that I wanted to fix or, you know, you know how we get into those patterns as women. Oh, look at that cute little professional, development project.
Darla Radilla [00:10:26]:
I think I'll fix them. But I had to learn you know, I think, that divorce that I went through in 13, it literally destroyed me. I it I was so in love with the man I thought he was. I do believe that I had a nervous breakdown. I lost everything. I lost my money, my dignity, my home, everything. But because I am such a stubborn person, I think that had to happen. And then I've re gradually rebuilt since that moment.
Darla Radilla [00:10:55]:
And each relationship has taught me something. Even though it hurt, it knocked me down. I just got out of another one, this year, last year. Some were short, some were long. But every one of them, I've sat down and said, okay. While I'm not responsible for another person's behavior, what I am responsible for is my part in it. Why did I attract that? Why did I tolerate that? And then try to do better next time.
Mahara Wayman [00:11:21]:
Were you always like that? For example, the first, the man that was the father of your child
Darla Radilla [00:11:27]:
Yeah.
Mahara Wayman [00:11:28]:
After that breakup, were you that smart to have that to ask yourself that question in your first marriage?
Darla Radilla [00:11:36]:
No. In fact, I was more codependent. At that point in my life, it was not a good situation. I I should have left a long time before that. I was very unhappy, and I really didn't realize that quite honestly until I had lost some weight, and I started hanging out in a bar. We would go see live music, and these men were paying attention to me. And at that point, I realized how lonely I was in the presence of of him. And you know he was not abusive, so I want to clarify that.
Darla Radilla [00:12:05]:
But he just wasn't there. And to be honest, in his defense, I wasn't the greatest wife either. I was very controlling. I yelled a lot, but, yeah, I was afraid of being alone. So I literally left my first husband and got in the relationship with my second husband before I walked out the door. I mean, it was not official, but you know how that it's still it and that's not you know? And I think this speaks for narcissist as well because that's not in my character to cheat. It is not. And for me to do something so horrible that I've never done before or since shows how manipulative they can be and how they mess with your mind.
Mahara Wayman [00:12:51]:
Was that your first experience with narcissistic behavior? Mhmm. Yeah. Okay.
Darla Radilla [00:12:58]:
Yeah.
Mahara Wayman [00:12:59]:
I'm sorry you went through that. I really am.
Darla Radilla [00:13:01]:
Mhmm. You too.
Mahara Wayman [00:13:03]:
I I I don't know much about narcissism. I have had guests on before that have shared their experiences with me. And if you're if you're willing, could you share a little bit about why you think that is that you attracted that?
Darla Radilla [00:13:19]:
I think I was a little bit gullible, first of all, but I also think I was lonely. And it goes back to that. I didn't wanna be alone. I was the perfect storm for him. He was a friend of a friend. He sensed there was marriage problems. In fact, I went when we started to when I started to really realize it was a problem, I went to a female friend and he was the male friend because I wanted to get both perspectives on on what I could do, and I had some crazy ideas, which I won't go into, but some crazy ideas of how could I fix that. Not knowing he was a narcissist.
Darla Radilla [00:13:52]:
A, he's got all this information personal information about me, which they do use against you later. I played right into his hands. I was lonely, and someone was desperate. And then he showers me with attention. He showers me with gifts, and I'm hooked.
Mahara Wayman [00:14:10]:
Okay. Thank you for that. Mhmm. What happened next?
Darla Radilla [00:14:16]:
So, I did officially leave my husband. I got involved with this man. We were together a total of 10 years. We did leave and go to Colorado. While that was a good decision on one hand, the other is also again, they will they will divide you. They will actually isolate you. I it was always my dream to go out west, but once again, that information was used against me. I did leave my daughter behind in Virginia because we weren't having a good relationship at the time.
Darla Radilla [00:14:44]:
But once again, now I'm all alone with this man in this new state. We ended up getting married there. Yeah. And then, in 2013, he actually initially asked for the divorce. And I was shocked because at that point, I thought, oh, we're not fighting. We hadn't been fighting for a while. Oh, it's better than ever. I don't understand what happened here.
Darla Radilla [00:15:10]:
And then 2 days later, he backtracked. And I thought, no. There's that little girl. She rose up because I'll say at that point, I look at pictures and I shutter. I was I'm unrecognizable as to who I was and am. But something in me rose up even though I was trauma bonded and unaware of that and said, no. You said you don't wanna be married anymore. I don't wanna be somewhere I'm not wanted, and I and I left.
Mahara Wayman [00:15:36]:
K. So so good. Can you tell us a little bit about the term trauma bonded?
Darla Radilla [00:15:44]:
Yes. So a very common tactic of a narcissist is a 3 part system to get you to be basically addicted to them, and it's called it starts with the love bombing. It's all the attention. They're like the white that white knight, you know, riding in on a horse. The the man you've always wanted. You know, he was handsome. He was well respected in the community, and he showers me and he's all this wonderful attention. And then they start to devalue you.
Darla Radilla [00:16:17]:
A little less attention. They start making snarky comments, and sometimes it's underhanded. He was very covert. I had absolutely no idea he was tearing me down. And then they they just discard you. That's when, you know, they're gone for several hours. They don't answer the phone or in some situations, they disappear for days. I didn't have that happen, but mentally, he was gone, you know, and then this cycle starts over.
Darla Radilla [00:16:43]:
But each time it starts, the cycle shortens and they're less what they were in the beginning. The love bomb, the love bomber, it's a little bit less. And I always describe it as you give a child a lollipop and then you snatch it away and then you give it back and you take it away. And that lollipop represents the person that they pretended to be in the in the beginning. And then you're so addicted to them, you'll do anything they ask of you to get that person back. And then you think I did something because they'll tell you that too.
Mahara Wayman [00:17:14]:
So it sounds like it's a damn good thing you started off being quite badass. Yeah. Because what I'm hearing and, again, I don't I don't have firsthand experience with this, but what it sounds like you're saying is it's insidious, the hold that they develop over you or with you. Mhmm. So when did you when did you realize that wait a second. Can you remember? Was there a specific time where you went, okay. I'm I'm taking I'm taking the I'm taking the the, opportunity to divorce, and I'm running like hell.
Darla Radilla [00:17:54]:
Mhmm. You know, it was during the divorce process. I I have to say I didn't come to a full realization till about a year afterwards after I left. But during the divorce, I lost it. I mean, I I had what they also call Stockholm syndrome, which is you probably heard of kidnap victims who sympathize with their abuser, and it's the same thing. Like, I was still meeting him for dinners, and I was still calling or texting him every day. I there was that addiction that was I first of all, I didn't even know I'd been abused at this point. I didn't know anything about narcissism.
Darla Radilla [00:18:28]:
All I knew is that this is the person who thought was the the love of my life. I adored him. I mean, I worshiped him, and now he's gone and I don't know what to do. I can't go back, but I can't go forward. So I I I reached a point where I was on the threshold of taking my life. I was laying on the floor sobbing, thinking, do I go get the gun and do I do this? I cannot live like this anymore. But something inside of me says, wait a minute, he's telling everybody you're crazy. If you do this, what ammunition you just gave him and then you're not going to be here to say, oh, no, I am not.
Darla Radilla [00:19:14]:
And so that decision for me, and it's been, I think, it's propelled into today of I got up off that floor. I worked my butt off this past 11 years to come back from that. And when something gets in the way of that, I'll say, oh, no. I've worked too hard. But that was kind of the the beginning.
Mahara Wayman [00:19:39]:
2 things come to mind. Number 1, I'm so glad that you found and listened to that little voice. Right? So glad. I'm so sorry that you found yourself on the floor. And for all of the men and women that are listening and can relate to your story, I I feel, and I'm sorry. I'm so, so glad that that little badass girl came up. Right? I'm so glad that she came up. Fast forward a little bit.
Mahara Wayman [00:20:06]:
You got some help.
Darla Radilla [00:20:08]:
I did.
Mahara Wayman [00:20:09]:
And within that help came some realizations of what you actually had been experiencing. Mhmm. What were some of the big ahas in that experience outside of the fact that you were actually in an abusive relationship? Because you've already mentioned that. Was there anything else that came out of the support that you got that had you going?
Darla Radilla [00:20:29]:
Yeah. You know, in the past, I to be honest, I really didn't have friendships with women. I didn't care for women. Because when you're dysfunctional yourself, you surround yourself with dysfunctional people. So I was around these women that were you know, they were talking about you behind your back. Those kind that just aren't securing their own selves. I started going to a spiritual center, and I went to a women's group. And I started to realize, first of all, that not all women are bad.
Darla Radilla [00:20:58]:
In fact, they're pretty awesome. And I started to do this huge cleaning house of my friends, and I whittled it down to, like, 4 or 5 women that I really trusted and I needed badly. One of my friends who has since died of cancer, she was like my rock. She would say, stop calling him. If you if you I don't care if it's in the middle of the night. If you wanna call him, you call me. She helped me move, from from, Colorado to New Mexico, And that's kinda why I'm doing it. It's for her, you know, for Pam because she was just this amazing strong woman, and I and I needed that in my life.
Darla Radilla [00:21:43]:
So I realized then I need community. I need to surround myself with people who are better than me so I can rise to where they are.
Mahara Wayman [00:21:55]:
What a great realization. And, you know, really, it's why it's why I do this show is to highlight the need for community and to highlight the need for conversation. Because I've said it a couple times, I don't this is kinda new to me. I've heard of it, obviously, and I've met women through the work that I do. But things like this need to be spoken about way more so that it becomes I don't wanna say natural, but so that we're not afraid of the conversation, so that we can encourage people that perhaps are in that position to recognize wait a second. This that sounds kinda like what I'm going through, and maybe that will spark a change in their life as well. So I wanna thank you again for for joining us and talking about this today. Let's talk about where you're at today because you're no longer an executive assistant.
Mahara Wayman [00:22:47]:
You just started a business. In fact, folks, just before I hit the record button and I was reading through what I'd written as our introduction, I went, wait a second. April of 2024? That's like 4 months ago. What the hell? Brand spanking new. And she giggled. Right? It was really cute. So what happened between leaving the corporate world and deciding to start your own business?
Darla Radilla [00:23:11]:
Yes. So, I turned 55 this year, and I felt like this got I know. In January, I wrote on Facebook that I am declaring this my year of joy, and anything that doesn't bring me joy, I need to get rid of. And so I started really, you know, looking at my life. Okay. I am a gypsy. I move around a lot, and I've been trying to basically get that out of my system. It's not.
Darla Radilla [00:23:40]:
I'm gonna move again, and I'm just gonna accept this is who I am. People tell me I'm too much. No. I'm not. I just have high standards. You just can't meet them. But, I knew okay. The the man I worked for, great person, but I wasn't happy there for other reasons.
Darla Radilla [00:24:01]:
And I also am very rebellious, to be quite frank. I'm not cut out for working for other people. I don't like to be told what to do. And, there was just a series of events where I decided to leave that job. And, I thought for a while going back into temp work, going back into administrative assistant, but I'm I'm so done with that. And I decided, you know what? I'm not going to. I have some access to some savings. I think I'm gonna set a year goal.
Darla Radilla [00:24:34]:
I'm gonna pull out a year's worth of income and set a year goal that I'm gonna replace my income by April of the following year. And just jumped. I do this. I mean, I'll move to new towns, not know anyone. I have a job. And so I just went in faith, action every day, of course, but, yeah, it was about this I have always I wanted to have I started a business in 2013, and then when I went through my divorce, I gave it up. And and crazy enough, it was about empowerment. And here I am in an abusive relationship losing my power.
Darla Radilla [00:25:08]:
But that I decided I gave that up, and I wanna go back to that.
Mahara Wayman [00:25:15]:
Wow. Okay. Such badassery, first of all. But here's the thing. You know, recognizing who you are is the crux of being a badass. Mhmm. And rec and and this understanding that you don't have to be for everyone. In fact, that's not even your business.
Mahara Wayman [00:25:32]:
Your business is to be true to you. And it's really it can be incredibly challenging for women, especially to be true to themselves for all kinds of reasons that we don't even need to go into. But love the fearlessness of going for what you want. Was it I know it's only been 4 months, but was it as easy and or as hard as you were thinking it would be?
Darla Radilla [00:25:55]:
Mhmm. And I wanna clarify. I'm not fearless. I am terrified. I am absolutely terrified.
Mahara Wayman [00:26:05]:
But I Not fearless, then what are you? Because sometimes we think of being badass as you don't have any fear or you you actually like the fear. So tell me what it what you actually are. If not
Darla Radilla [00:26:17]:
feeling I know. I feel well, it's goes back to the very first self help book I read. Feel the fear and do it anyway. I channel my fear. It's kinda like when I perform, when I sing. I get stage fright every time. I channel that. I push it down and say, how can I use it in a productive manner? I say, okay.
Darla Radilla [00:26:36]:
Yeah. I'm terrified. But it's something I heard once. The pain of where I was was greater than the pain of where I'm going. And so it's okay to be afraid because you know what? I can be uncomfortable in my job and be miserable in a year and still be stuck there. Or I can be uncomfortable now and be working towards something that is gonna make me happy and fulfilled.
Mahara Wayman [00:27:02]:
So good to hear. And it's kind of like that saying, choose your hard. You know, life is full of hard things. You get to when you take control and you choose your hard, then, funnily enough, it doesn't seem that hard anymore because you've made choice. You're in control.
Darla Radilla [00:27:15]:
Yeah. And I'm happier than I've ever been, to be honest.
Mahara Wayman [00:27:20]:
I love that. How were you introduced to somatic work?
Darla Radilla [00:27:25]:
Yeah. Just by chance, actually. Last year, I read self help books every day. I listen to them in my car every time I drive. I have a audiobook on. And I bought the body keeps the score. Is it Bessel van der Koch or something like that?
Mahara Wayman [00:27:41]:
Something else, but it's on my bedside table.
Darla Radilla [00:27:43]:
Mhmm. I I had heard I I attended a support group for narcissistic abuse as well, like, for me, and I had heard the word somatic, and then this book came across my, recommended. And I just listened to it, and I was feeling very interested in it. I have I started blogging a year before I quit my job, about my journey. Very honest, by the way. And there are things that are in that blog that are no longer true in my life that I left them there. But anyway, as I was thinking about what kind of business do I want, I remembered that book. And this is actually even before I started quit.
Darla Radilla [00:28:20]:
To be honest, this is before I quit my job. I was gonna try to, like, do both for a while, and so I started researching different type of coaching platforms. And Caroline Strawson has the first in the world apparently, that's called, somatic trauma informed coaching. And, it's a new thing. While I'm still gonna get a certification in narcissism, I wanted to do this first because it's new, it's different, and I thought maybe it would be a little bit of an edge. So somatics basically is your nervous system, your body. When we experience things in our world, whether good or bad, we have body sensations whether we realize it or not. And so it's focusing in on that and being aware of that, and when did we feel that before, and kinda getting in touch with our most of the time, it's our little child inside of us.
Darla Radilla [00:29:13]:
Mhmm. And either validating or or working through whatever's going on. But, yeah, it was just I I was I started to get a a a degree in psychology in Washington state, so it's always been an an interest. It's
Mahara Wayman [00:29:28]:
also good. So what is tell us about your business and how you work with your clients.
Darla Radilla [00:29:34]:
Mhmm. So I do a couple of different things. I do have a free support group for women only, on Meetup. And I also do 1 on 1 coaching sessions, and those are for I have kind of shifted a little bit. I'm gonna do men and women because I've been approached by a couple men with that request. And I just focus on the body. Basically, I help you to come to your own conclusions. Your your answers are really all there inside you.
Darla Radilla [00:30:00]:
You just don't know it. And so, you know, talking about whatever the topic of that day is, thinking about the body sensations, I'll ask questions based on that topic and where we're going. And we'll talk about what you're feeling now, how that connects to your past. And then we work through that and, you know, kinda work through how we can proceed with your healing.
Mahara Wayman [00:30:22]:
Why are you a badass today with all that you now know about somatic healing, for example, and trauma informed coaching. What's what have you learned about yourself that has you going, yeah, I'm so badass?
Darla Radilla [00:30:34]:
You know, I it's the course. This course, I started taking it in February, and it's not just about being a great coach. It's designed that you go through this massive, massive healing process. One of the assignments we had to do is we had to take a poster board and map out all the trauma in our life time and look for patterns. And so I color coded everything. I'm a very colorful person. So I put green, for the good things that happened to me, red for the traumatic, and, I think blue for, like, neutral. And I realized in a lot of periods of my life, I had so much trauma.
Darla Radilla [00:31:12]:
I didn't even have room on the paper, so I picked the worst things. That was a it's that and many other assignments that really got me to understand how I've been carrying all of this dead weight. We call it our backpack of trauma in our course. That I've got all this trauma on my back, and while I've been working on it, it's still with me, and it's still dictating my decisions in my love life, in my, you know, all areas of my life. And so my badassery this year has been about releasing that. I've been releasing a lot of trauma. In fact, I'm gonna go have some body work done because I'm finding emotionally, I'm releasing it, but my body's holding on to it. I'm really I did yoga the other day, and I'm really, really tight.
Darla Radilla [00:31:57]:
And so I need physically for that to get released as well.
Mahara Wayman [00:32:00]:
Okay. Total high five. Giving you a high five.
Darla Radilla [00:32:04]:
Thank you.
Mahara Wayman [00:32:04]:
But I want I know that there's I know some listeners are gonna be listening going, yeah. But what does that mean? WTF release the trauma like la la. Hello? Is that going for a beer with your friends? Is that dancing the night away? Can Can you tell us a little bit more about what that really looks like in your experience?
Darla Radilla [00:32:24]:
Sure. I'll share a personal example of what just happened to me 2 weeks ago. So I went camping, 3 hours from my home. And as it always happens, when you're on top of a mountain with no cell service, your car decides that it's gonna mess up. There, you know, it ended up that the transmission had to be replaced. I was fortunate enough to be able to find a visitor center close by and and make an appointment. But what happened was, they couldn't fix the car that day. They weren't even quite sure what was wrong with it.
Darla Radilla [00:32:57]:
So, I was given a, a loaner and I drove home. But that process took about 2 weeks. Halfway through that, I have a meltdown. They still didn't know at that point what was wrong with it, if if the warranty I purchased was gonna cover it. And, of course, I wake up in in the middle of the night. That's when our d my demons at least show up. And I'm worrying about it, and something else was going on with the prescription for my dog. So I'm like, I'm I'm angry.
Darla Radilla [00:33:27]:
No one's listening to me. They're taking advantage of me because I'm a woman, and I don't know anything about I mean, you know. So at 5 in the morning, finally, I just said, okay. If you need to talk to the manager, take some notes. Talk to the young man one more time and see if he's blowing you off or what's going on. But then I I couldn't settle down. And I was, you know, I felt in my body, my, my throat is tight. I feel my chest is tight and, and I'm, my heart's racing.
Darla Radilla [00:33:55]:
And I thought, wait a minute, is this about the car? Is this something else? And I realized, no. While I'm upset about the car, this is really not what this is about. This is about when I was 4 years old, and I felt like this because my dad tore up the house, and I was terrified, and I was hugging my mom's leg. And my mom forced me to hug him even though I didn't want to, and I didn't feel heard. I didn't feel validated.
Mahara Wayman [00:34:24]:
Mic drop. Mic drop.
Darla Radilla [00:34:28]:
Say it again. Mic drop. Mic drop.
Mahara Wayman [00:34:32]:
Yes. Mic drop. So, you know, thank you for sharing that. And I think it's one of the toughest lessons for us as we navigate this journey called life is when we give ourselves permission to really go deep. And when I say go deep, I think of it like this. Keep asking questions until you can't ask any more questions. It's you know, it's one of the primary things that I talk about with my clients is let's get clarity. Let's be an investigator.
Mahara Wayman [00:34:58]:
Let's be Columbo. You know, that that that detective from the seventies that everybody pissed everybody off because he just kept asking what seemed like the dumbest questions, but he just determined to understand. And I think we need to be like that with ourselves. When we have the signal in our body, for example, that we're not happy, never take it at face at face value. Because to your point, it really wasn't about the car. I believe that the world will bring us experiences to highlight what we still need to work on, but it's not always that obvious. Right? Because on the face of it, car issue pain in the ass, everybody's pissing you off, and it just sits here. But what I heard you say was when you recognize it, that wasn't enough.
Mahara Wayman [00:35:43]:
There were still more questions you had of yourself. You actually you went deeper sort of peeling the layers, and you got to the real challenge, which was often when we're young, we make we have misunderstandings about what a certain action means about us. Because our brain I mean, we're just a lot of people. Right? Our brain doesn't stop. I think not until our twenties does our brain actually stop growing. But so when we're little, quite often, we either see something or we hear something, and we put it together incorrectly, and we make it mean something about us. That's just not true, but it lives in our body. Mhmm.
Mahara Wayman [00:36:24]:
It lives in our body. So how did you clear that? Was it just having to was it just to understand the recognition, or is there something that you do once you've got the recognition? And if so, please Yeah.
Darla Radilla [00:36:36]:
Yeah. And this is kinda what we do in our sessions too is, you know, first, there's the recognition, but then there's, like this gives me an opportunity to kinda go back in time and say, okay. 4 year old Darla, you are terrified. Validating it. First of all, your feelings are valid. You were scared, and you had every right to be scared. People look really big and tall when you're 4, and your dad was screaming and yelling and could be violent at times. And your mom didn't protect you.
Darla Radilla [00:37:08]:
Like, first of all, just be like, acknowledge that no one was there for you when you were so tiny. Kinda hug yourself virtually in time. Sometimes I I recommend writing a letter to your previous self. Just think about that and hold space for that and say, wow. That really sucked. And just say, it's okay because you know what? You're gonna grow up and you're gonna have all this other stuff happen, whatever, but you're gonna grow up. And one day you're gonna be in this moment and you're gonna say that happened for a reason because all of those things that happened to me in the past have been we talked about the stepping stones in the beginning. Those are the stepping stones that have brought me right to where I am today.
Mahara Wayman [00:37:56]:
Oh, so good. Thank you for sharing that story with us. I can I can see the emotion in your face, and I've done inner child work? I do it with my clients. You know, we incorporate a technique from the University of Santa Monica, compassionate self forgiveness, which is exactly what you're talking about. It's not always easy to get there. But really, part of being a badass is the courage to do the work. Even if you are at the stage where you're just saying, I recognize that I'm not happy. Right? That's a big step.
Darla Radilla [00:38:30]:
Right.
Mahara Wayman [00:38:31]:
That's a big step, peeps. So if that's where you are in your journey, celebrate it. Recognize that that is a if that's a celebration. Okay. You are a somatic trauma informed coach. Mhmm. Do you do your sessions in person, or do you do them online, or is it a combination of both?
Darla Radilla [00:38:49]:
They're all online. So I I do them on Zoom. So I can do them anywhere in the world. Anyone in the world can do them, which
Mahara Wayman [00:38:57]:
is Oh, so good. You know, one thing that I've been meaning to ask because I'm just so damn curious is you're a performer? What the hell? What are you performing? A singer, dancer?
Darla Radilla [00:39:06]:
I can't sing. Well, I did take dance lessons years ago and I love dancing. I'm you'll often probably people from the Verde Valley are like, I know her because I get around. I'm pretty voice choice. But yes. So I dance a lot. I come from a musical family, and, yes. So it's something that I pursued off and on and once again here we go.
Darla Radilla [00:39:28]:
I've set it to the side and so this year I decided to get a little bit more active. While I'm not in a committed band yet, I've been going all around town. I talk to everyone everywhere I go. So I often will show up and a band will say, come on up and sing and do a variety, you know, of blues, classic rock, you know, Fleetwood Mac. It is I have to say music is my greatest joy.
Mahara Wayman [00:39:53]:
Oh, so so good. So so good. So another another tip, people listening, acknowledging what fills your cup Mhmm. And working to get more of that in your life, total badass. Total badassery to do that. Right? So I totally commend you on that. I know that music is super important to me. I listen to music constantly, and I go through phases of who I like best.
Mahara Wayman [00:40:17]:
And, you know, my kids laugh because they're the only kids that they know that know the Dave Matthews Band. Because I took my husband and I love DMB, went followed them, went on you know, seen them in multiple times and always dragged the kids with us. And I remember the you know, she was only 5 or 6. She's like, I don't wanna watch the Dave Matthews Band again, mom. I'm like, I don't care. I don't have a babysitter. But by the same token, they also grew up knowing classic rock because that's what, you know, we always played stuff. So I do I do love music myself, and it really has the ability to transport me and transport people, which is why I think so many people you know, that's why music and the arts in general play such an important part in our in our role.
Mahara Wayman [00:41:02]:
Okay. So badass act, you're you're going after performing more. Anything else on the horizon for you as far as really honoring who you are today and the journey that you've been on?
Darla Radilla [00:41:14]:
What else
Mahara Wayman [00:41:15]:
do you do you have in the works, if anything?
Darla Radilla [00:41:18]:
Mhmm. Yeah. Personally, to date with intention. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I this year, I started that as well. And, to be honest, I I follow Matthew Hussey and his love life club.
Darla Radilla [00:41:31]:
I watch videos every day. He's just been so phenomenal. And it's not just about dating well, but also being well. It's about healing. I did a gratitude live gratitude session at 11 this morning, 2 hours ago with his brother, perfect before this this podcast. But, yeah, it's it's really about honoring my needs. And I can compromise for your needs, but when they get in the way of mine, then that's when I have to say, if we can't work this out, then I need to walk. And that has been, a different approach for me.
Darla Radilla [00:42:11]:
Yeah.
Mahara Wayman [00:42:12]:
So is it is it also because what I'm hearing is 2 things. Correct me if I'm wrong here. But first comes clarity on what it is that you want, then comes courage to set the boundaries, and maybe to pivot when needed or to recognize your limits. Because you mentioned, you know, you may compromise for them, but when it gets in the way of what you want, then that's a no go. Mhmm. So do you see it as being sort of a multistep process?
Darla Radilla [00:42:41]:
Yeah.
Mahara Wayman [00:42:41]:
Okay. And where are what step are you most comfortable in right now?
Darla Radilla [00:42:45]:
Oh, I've always been comfortable in saying no. I've always been, but I think it's ending in. I met somebody that actually I really liked a lot, had a lot of fun with him. I only dated him for a couple of months because we were in different directions. I'm looking for a long term committed relationship, and that's not where he is in his life. And, I also wanted a willing participant. I don't want a people pleaser if someone's a yes man. I want someone who's going to say yes because they want to say yes.
Darla Radilla [00:43:15]:
So, that long term commitment, though, that was the biggie. And so I had even though I really liked him, I was kind of falling in love with them a little bit. I had to say no. I had to to to leave.
Mahara Wayman [00:43:26]:
Yeah. That took some courage. I'm sure. Mhmm. Alright. So what are some of, just a couple tips that you wanna share with our audience and how you intentionally choose badassery over something else. Mhmm. In other words, give us some tips on how you choose choose yourself for yourself.
Mahara Wayman [00:43:50]:
Yeah. Some tips.
Darla Radilla [00:43:52]:
1st, celebrate your successes. I always say everyone's in a different place. I you know, I see that in my support groups. Some are just beginning. Some are like they're they're at that badass level. But I say no matter how small it is, even if you just made your bed, I made my bed today, and yesterday, I couldn't even get out of it. You know, those things. I said no to someone today, and I've never done that before.
Darla Radilla [00:44:17]:
You know what? I just did something for me. Celebrate them, write them down and look back on them. That's the first thing. I think the second thing is is I do gosh, what's really helped me this year is to find something that's just yours, particularly if you're in an abusive relationship because they take so much. Even if it's a craft or you like dancing or, hey, I like to go to the movies or I I I love to go out to eat. You know, do something by yourself that brings you joy because then you're investing in yourself.
Mahara Wayman [00:44:52]:
I love before you give me the third one, I wanna just Yeah. After that because what I hear when you say that is this understanding that in order for the world to treat you the way that you want to be treated, you have to acknowledge your worth. Mhmm. Part of that, the minute you do something for yourself, just for yourself that fills your cup, you're sending a message to the universe. I am deserving of alone time, of me time, of a great meal, of Dairy Queen. That would be my personal favorite. Yeah. It doesn't make you are sending a signal to the world on your worth when you acknowledge it.
Mahara Wayman [00:45:30]:
And and doing stuff for yourself is one way of acknowledging your worth. So okay. I just wanted to add that in there. Okay. Number 3. What's
Darla Radilla [00:45:37]:
a third
Mahara Wayman [00:45:38]:
a third tip?
Darla Radilla [00:45:39]:
I would say, I would say just be kind to yourself because setbacks are inevitable. I have setbacks every day. And to be transparent, I have major anxiety. I probably have some form of anxiety every single day, and I you know, every day. But when you have a setback, be okay with that. Say, you know what? I'm having a moment. Or if you made a decision that you're unhappy with, forgive yourself for that and say, that was the decision I made and who I was in that moment, and I did the best I could. And it's okay.
Mahara Wayman [00:46:13]:
So, so powerful. It does it reminds me of this idea that some days we only can give 50% of our energy. Mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, whatever. But if you if all you can give is 50%, in fact, I think Jim Jim Quick does a post support this quite a bit. He's the brain he's the brain guru. If you can only give 50% and you give 50%, you've given it your all.
Darla Radilla [00:46:38]:
Yeah.
Mahara Wayman [00:46:39]:
Right? So it's a bit of a mindset. It's a mindset change, which can be so so powerful. Oh my goodness. Darla, I have just really loved chatting with you today. Your energy is infectious. You are a serious badass. And, you know, as a call out to fellow badasses in the world, share your story. Have the conversation, whether it's doesn't need necessarily need to be on a, you know, global podcast.
Mahara Wayman [00:47:03]:
But the more you share your story, the more opportunity that is created in your world for change. Right? So you never know who needs to hear your story. So if you if you have if you have something to share, don't hesitate to share it. Whether it's just between you and your book and you share it verbally by writing or you share it, you know, verbally with a friend. Verbally by writing, that doesn't even make sense. Whether you journal it, talk to somebody about it, talk to a group about it, or actually look for help on whatever it is that you're navigating. It is badass to look for help, ask for help, and to recognize just how amazing you are regardless of where you've come from or the experiences that you've had. Yes.
Mahara Wayman [00:47:51]:
Thank you so much for jumping on the Zoom with me today, Darla. And I do wish you all the best. Folks, check the show notes because everything that everything that she shared with me, I'm gonna share with you. And then some, if I can, if if something else changes further down the line. But we'd love your feedback on today's episode. So please, if you've enjoyed our conversation today, like, rate, and share it with your friends. My name is Mahara. This has been the Art of Badassery.
Mahara Wayman [00:48:18]:
Special shout out, and thank you to my guest today, Darla. Take care, everyone. We'll see you next week. Thanks for tuning in to another Badass episode. Your support means the world to me. So if you enjoyed what you heard today, don't forget to like, share, and rate the episode on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback keeps the badassery flowing. And, hey, if you're ready to unleash your inner badass and conquer whatever life throws your way, Why not book a complimentary badass breakthrough session? Just click the link in the show notes to schedule your session, and let's kick some serious butt together.
Mahara Wayman [00:48:53]:
Until next time, stay fearless, stay fabulous, and, of course, stay badass. This is Mahara signing off.
